Monday, March 01, 2004
10. You have recieved a CP clock commemorating your 1st anniversary.
9. You think that "CP" should change it's name to "Overtime Central"
8. You have been in the same desk for more than 3 months and it HASN'T been re-imaged.
7. You know what re-imaging is.
6. You begin to pace while talking with customers on the phone.
5. You refer to the days when UMAX was here as, "Back in the day."
4. You own more than one "CP" t-shirt, and paid for it with CP Bucks.
3. You exceed Lin's dosage of coffee before it's time for lunch.
2. You begin to speak "Lin-ese" as your primary language.
1. You understand and coherantly speak with Lin.
Top Tens
TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you so me.
6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped.
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
New to come from WhaleProd Inc.
The release date of a new product from WhaleProd Inc. is soon to be announced; however, our sources indicate that the next item up will be a market-awing vendible, sure to astound even the hard of hearts.
Enter Whalo-Vision. With this spark of ingeniousness, may you never see a whale again! Whalo-Vision is specially engineered to allow the bearer to see only non-whaleous materials. Any whale that comes into your line of sight will be converted to non-whale matter. Warning: use caution when approaching a non-whale with these specialty glasses on, you may be in for much more than you bargained for. Whalo-Vision will ensure that you only see things that are pleasant to the eyes! Whalo-Vision, like all products from WhaleProd Inc, is not guaranteed, results will vary and there is no warranty, express or implied. If soreness in the forearm or genital region occur, discontinue use of Whalo-Vision until symptoms subside. If soreness repeats or becomes worse please see a psychiatrist (cuz your wackin off to WHALES ASS!) Please also note that before masturbation should occur you should ALWAYS remove your eyeware to ensure that, if caught, it will not appear that you are wackin off to WHALES ASS!Don't get caught with your pants down. Use Whalo-Vision with the discression of a priest. Secondary note, those of you with drooling problems may want to have that checked out before you drool over whales!
Please stay tuned, more to be announced from WhaleProd Inc.
Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones)
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!
6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. (YEAH WHALE)
12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
Understand your Paycheck!
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02
Subtracting the following items:
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
Sundry $12.09
-----------------------------
Net Take Home Pay $0.02
What is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words? Click here to find out!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
If your name is William Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come, in the Mini Wheat's commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat's has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?
How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Don't you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?
If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?
If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?
If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
Why does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?
Is atheism a "non-prophet" organization?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on and requires you to turn it off?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? THEY ARE BOTH DOGS!!
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, YES, he is STILL WRONG!
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How do they get slow children to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
What's another word for synonym?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?
Whale-itize® Your Hair
Today we commemorate whale, the Huge nature of said beast and the overwhelming reaction that you feel in your gut, yes, that feeling. We commemorate all of it. And today's blog is dedicated to that very gut wrenching, dizzy, oh my god feeling we all know and love.Enter WhaleSpray®. New from Whale Prod Inc. The best form that whale can come in. WhaleSpray® will get in your hair and promises a hold like we have never seen. WhaleSpray® is also known for it's long lasting effects on the virility of the male species, and improved memory capabilities (at much risk to previous memories of "non-whale" content). WhaleSpray® is comprised of carefully extracted whale juice. WhaleSpray® is All-Natural. We follow very strick guidelines while extracting the essence of whale and packaging it for resale. Please also note: WhaleSpray® should never be used in a manner other than specifically outlined in the directions, do not point at face, keep out of reach of children (as it WILL tarnish them FOREVER!), do not use in moist areas as it is known to cause horrible smells and even vomiting or the colapse of your lungs. Please also note: WhaleSpray® is not for the weak or faint of heart, it has been known to happen that the weak have been SUCKED in by WhaleSpray®, never to be seen again. USE WITH CAUTION!! Use at your own risk, no warranty express or implied. Results may vary and are NOT guaranteed.
*** More Items to be announced from Whale Prod Inc. Stay Tuned ***
Oh the joys of life...
I watched the sunset for a breif time tonight. It wasn't as kewl as I remember them being. I used to be completely amazed at the beauty of the sky, now, although pretty, I wasn't amazed. Just sorta, eh, it's pretty. No excitement.I got an email today from, we'll call her "Rachael". She apparently just randomly entered my web space and browsed around... then sent me an email from my site... Now normally, this may just FrEaK me out! But today, it was a welcome change to the humdrum of "normal" living. So, maybe we'll go out sometime, that would be nice... especially if she's a HOTTIE! I NEED A HOTTIE!! No whales need apply, Bad whale bad! No Trash Barge for you!
But anyway. So Boise was fun as usual, found a train station down there that'll take you clear to china town for less than $3! Only rode it once but wanted to go many MANY more times. Maybe next time, NO, DEFINATELY next time, I'm catchin that train a couple of times! YEA!! Spent way too much money on other things though, food ect. DAMN! And that stupit car of mine... pile of shit needs to meet it's friends at the trash barge for a vacation. But, it's paid for and I can't complain too much. It gets me around.
FUNNY SHIT!
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
A friend is someone who doesn't like the same people you do.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
The number you have dialled, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service, the
new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number). -- try getting some
voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like
the phone company.
You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I
already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after
the beep tone
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
Pending Turmoil
By now you all know that there is a pending change in my living situation. I am stressed. Although I just had a 4 day weekend and that was VERY nice. I am back to work, and still have a job! Ok, back to the stressed thing, I hate moving! More than that I hate not having enough money to pay what bills need paid. Hence the reason I would be moving. One thing driving another and me caught pussy, or rather pushing, against the grain. I am fighting an uphill battle and no forseeable end in sight. I just have to find a way to get out of this rut and pay off my bills and get a little head in life, correction ahead in life. WTF? So the real question to all of this is, How? How am I gonna get the bills paid up and get head, damnit there I go again, I meant get AHEAD? There is one feasible option, that is to quit my job and apply with Qwest directly. I would be making more money, but is it worth working for a company that I can't stand. I work for a vendor of Qwest and hate the account. I would rather work for Xerox or Nextel, but got stuck in Qwest. If I hate them now, how bad would it be actually working for them? You see my problem. But then again, is it worth the extra money? Very hard to say...I saw a "Slackster Card" today. It looks alot like a MasterCard. It says on it:
Official Card of the Serious Slacker
Member Since: Whenever
Expires: Who Cares
Cardholder name: Light N Up
I damn near died laughing. I need one of those, I love it! It was hillarious!
