The Ramblings of a Yoshi: July 2004

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Thursday, July 29. Email this post.

K Yea, my last blog was a little winded no real point. Maybe I was high or just stupit… yeah, prolly just stupit. Today I am about to get in some shit. Of which I am not at liberty to speak of yet. I am about to do something that I may end up REALLY sorry for. But see, here is the thing, I really want to do this and prolly will end up doing it anyway, even tho I have sincere doubts about it. I guess the real problem is that I have a very large soft spot. I sometimes wonder if maybe it needs to be a little harder. Too soft is usually not a good thing. What am I doing? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have it figured out by this weekend. Or, more appropriately after this weekend.

I start my 10 day assessment tomorrow. I am a little concerned but know that I’ll be okay. I am confident that I will make it past this hurdle. The next however, I am not so sure about. There is much more weighing on it and I, although confident, donot have the security to know that I will pass it. If I can’t I will end up back at CP (the place of the devil). Shit happens there that never happens at other places. That Place is cursed, I swear. CURSED! The only positive thing about me going back there would be that I have friends there and could prolly get on a different team. But don’t wanna!

That’s it, I done did it. The blastfemy of life has been committed to death. Am I stupit? Maybe. Hopefully this will not bite me in the ass later. Truly, I am glad I did it, it makes me feel good. I do not understand why life has to be so damn complicated. My life used to be so simple. The more time that goes by the worse shit gets, I have this feeling that it will never get any better. As much as I try there are only a few solid things in my life. One of which is the select few friends that I have and consider friends. I’m sure that they will never desert me, some of my family on the other hand I’m not so sure about. I want to be giddy again. I want to be care-free again. I want to return to the life I once led. No not really, that life sucked ass worse than this one does…

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/29/2004 01:11:52 PM (2) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!

Move the F on!!!

Tuesday, July 27. Email this post.

I got an email from a friend that said that I was a very giving person… This could not be more true. Most of the time I love to assist where I can and Love to give of myself. It got me thinking tho, if this is the case why then can I not seem to give enough in a relationship? I feel like there is nothing that I am not doing and still end up empty handed. Life too often seems like you only get what you try really hard for. When I put in 100% of myself into something I usually get it. The problem then lies in not giving all I can. I am becoming lazy. Yesterday I was so excited about life and living and just being around, today I could give a shit. What changed? I’m still unsure. Today while I was out smoggin, I saw Mary and Jane walk around the corner at the same time, I damn near shit myself… The beauty, the lusciousness, the absence of breath was abounding. It was SO awesome! I cannot see myself with either of them and can see myself with both of them. DAMNIT! What am I to do? I need to get some shit together. I still am not convinced that I am even ready for a “relationship” yet. I want to be, believe me! I want to sooo bad my gut aches just thinking about it. I want to vomit. It makes me sick. Do I really care, no. It will happen when I’m ready and when my partner is ready. I believe in God and I believe He will help me when I need it most, or give me the courage to do it myself. He always comes thru. I love Him with all my heart and hope I always will. My only thought is that sometimes it seems like he doesn’t come thru soon enough. I’m sure we all think that.

Sorry about that spiritual spout. If I offended anyone with that, you can go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself. If my God, or me talking about my God, offends anyone, eat me. He is part of me.

Today I feel weak. That feeling you get when you can’t seem to muster the energy to even get dressed in the morning. That’s where I am today. Although I kinda had to get dressed because I’m at work right now, but it’s not because I wanted to. TRUST ME! I did not want to. It’s hard to breath, It’s hard to think, It’s hard to be here. It’s just hard (not like that tho). I am lacking in so many aspects of my life. I just want to sleep today.

On a lighter note, I got new glasses on Saturday and I look like “one hundred IQ points smarter.” As quoted from a hottie that I work with. They make me feel better although they are kinda irritatingly small. I like em anyway.

Such is life, you just find a way to move on.

"People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it." - George Bernard Shaw

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/27/2004 08:28:06 AM (1) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!

JANE!

Thursday, July 22. Email this post.

There is this other girl, we'll call her Jane. Unlike Mary, Jane is a little less reserved. She sparks me in a way that Mary doesn't, by that I mean that there are things about each that I could really get used to. I am also sure that there are things about each that I would have a hard time getting used to. You know how you can look at two people and find them both attractive even tho they share none of the same qualities? That is where I sit now... I can totally see myself with either of them, and I'm sure on some levels one would be better than the other. I am more conversationally involved with Jane than Mary... not by choice, but circumstance. It is now almost 4 AM and I'm up writing this shit! Why must I lose sleep over things that are not affecting me now? The way I see it, if I am gonna lose sleep over something, it better be something fkn worth it. That sounds bad. I don't mean it bad. I mean, either of these options is definately worth losing sleep over, again, and again, and again. But there-in lies the problem. I have neither of them, as my luck runs, probably won't have either of them. I think also, part of my problem is, that I'm not very outgoing when it comes to asking someone out or even stepping out of my comfort zone to inquire how their day is going. Sometimes I really fkn hate myself for stupid shit like that. Why can't I just FKN do it? Why must I always second guess myself... You know what is really funny tho? Every single time that I have asked someone out, they have always said yes. I have NEVER been turned down from a date. Odd? I think so. Odder still that I have no nuts to ask, mainly for fear of rejection, or maybe even changing an awesome friendship into a loathesome stalking. God, I believe in you, all I am asking for here is a little will power, courage, whatever. I am sick and tired of being alone, walking thru my life empty handed and being absent the warmth of a woman.

On a completely different note... my new monitor has been shipped and will be here Monday!!! For all of those who don't know, I fried my best friends monitor while I was visiting last weekend. Because of that I have decided that they needed an upgrade anyway, so I am giving him my old monitor (19 inches of beautiful) in place of his old monitor (15 inches of McNasty Ass) and buying me a new one (21 inches of FLAT B-E-A-utifulness). I ordered it yesterday, it's a phillips (a brand I love) and retails at $599-$799 depending on where you order it from. I've ordered mine for, dun dun dun, $339+$45 shipping=$384!!! OH YEA!!! I am THAT good!!! I just got a chubby from that... time for a cold shower, and I gotta get some FKN sleep! DAMN!

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/22/2004 03:51:55 AM (2) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!

MARY!

Wednesday, July 21. Email this post.

I have found myself with a giddiness never witnessed before. A little background first… It started about 3 weeks ago, maybe 2 weeks, There is this girl at work, we’ll call her Mary for security sake, anyway, she is freakin cute as hell! A little,. LITTLE over weight but very cute. I decided to just say hey to her, this “hey” turned into a 15 min conversation that was soon forgotten, partly cuz I’m stupid and partly cuz I was too distracted by her to really focus on the conversation. Tell you the truth, I don’t even remember the topic of said conversation. But anyway, she enthralls me, I think about her and smile. We have talked some since then and all I can think about when we talk is how cute she is and what a fun person she is. I catch myself several times a day just gazing and staring… She just walked by me again, and I can’t help but smile. Still smiling even as I type. I want to ask her out. I really should. I found out yesterday that she has one daughter, unsure of age right now, unsure of more siblings. No ring on the finger… good sign… just typing this makes my heart flutter. GD I am such a loser! Even in the mist of typing that, I was smiling… Oh there she goes again, walkin by, GD!! Now to come up with the best way to say he, what are you up to? So, are you seein anyone??? I see you and want to see you. K I need I need to move on on. I just really can’t get over her. I think
Moving on, I need to get a woman in my life to secure things a little. Not like emotionally. Just to satisfy the the social need that I have. My social need is more companionship than a sexual need. Although the need seems to go both ways. Even now as I think about it the need grows on, Sometimes I think it will just die off, but recently I discovered that I am not a hermit. I do, contrary to popular belief, enjoy human contact occasionally. I also like to be liked and need to be loved.
I just lost my train of thought, so I am gonna move on... I want more than what I have and it is not right. Back to where I was, I am missing out on so much that I feel like a lost turtle. Wondering around with no real sense of direction. Can my life change? Do things ever REALLY change? My opinion is no... Really, all that happens in life is your perception of things. When you really think about it, it totally makes sense too. Like this, when someone is really pissin you off, what do you do but get pissed, right? Wrong. All you have to do is change your point of view on the matter. Look at if from the other party's perspective, to do this just stick your head up your ass and close your eyes. LMAO. No really tho, if you change your view most of the time you can change what you are getting upset about into understanding.. Life is all about how you see things. Does it really even matter then, that other people see things totally different than you do? Yes, because it's all about diversity. (I know, a corporate word, scary huh?) It really is. If you think that only you matter, your not seeing the whole picture. I am afraid that I may not be seeing the whole picture, my life, although short, has been one of much diversity. Perhaps no more than some, but to me, it has been WAY too much for one LJSM to handle. Am I stuck on myself? Yeah, duh. Do I care what other people think, well YEAH! Does that alter my image of myself? From time to time, yes. I guess all I am really saying is that I think my problem lies in the way I perceive the world around me. If I can change that, I can change anything!

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/21/2004 01:14:24 PM (4) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!

**Sigh**

Friday, July 16. Email this post.

Has it really been fkn 8 days since my last post... Time seems to go so FKN fast! Today tho, I took in "ornamental" food (as my beloved old shit would say) to all of my team at work. They all chipped in to pay for the stuff, I took Chinese Chicken Salad, Teriyaki Chicken, Rice, and Egg Rolls. It was so yummy! I am just freakin TIRED now. I was up late cookin and then cleanin up, it really freakin sucked, but well worth it from all the compliments that I recieved from everyone. That is most of what I live for anymore. The more compliments that I get, the better. I sometimes wonder tho, if I am striving so hard for compliments does that mean that I am dependant on others for my satisfaction.... maybe satisfaction isn't the right word... hmmm maybe ego massage? I don't know, but you get the point. See, the way I see it, I know that I am freakin awesome, but what do other people think? Why does that even fkn matter? I really care about it tho... maybe I should put a little less effort into getting compliments on my cooking and knowledge, and steer more toward bettering myself. Quit swearing and smoking and drinking and enough with the train rides (okay, you're right, train rides continue). Why the FK am I in this stupid ass fkn mood anyway?! I just need to "get some" I think. When I told a gal at work it had been two years for me... she replied, "You need to fukn pay someone!!" Believe me, If I wasn't scared of getting Gang-Green-of-the-Happy-Machine I prolly would. being promiscuious fkn scares me tho, I just CAN'T do it, fkn can't. sigh

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/16/2004 07:40:40 PM (0) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!

For The Love!!!

Thursday, July 8. Email this post.

My bestest friend in the WHOLE world is buying yet another home. This one is FAR superior to his older white trash home. I am so jealeous! He has an awesome wife that cooks and cleans and is kewl to hang with, many pets (I think because of the wife), two FKN nice vehicular thingys, and a computer that spanks mine. We are the same age, and yet, I fail to "out-do" him on a regular basis. Please don't missunderstand me or my intentions, they deserve this home and status more than anyone I know, but they should die and leave it all to ME! FKRS! J/K I love you both!

My 5 year old has been in swimming lessons for a time, well, they are about over now and he thinks he needs to continue them. I would have loved nothing more than to have learned to swim when I was a child. It's like riding a bike (so I'm told), you just get on, ride hard, and cum out with a sore ass. NO, but it is something that you will remember how to do, even years later. So, for his "emotional stability" I will allow him, at a cost of $30 to me, to continue his swimming lessons. The way I see it, $30 is cheap compared to the sports he will want to do later in his life.

ANYWHO.... gotta chat and run, out.

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/8/2004 09:52:30 AM (1) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!

Rollin in the MONAAAAYYY!!!

Saturday, July 3. Email this post.

OMG! I just found out that starting next week I will be making $14.50/hr instead of $12 something. YEAH! Just a little math for those of you that SUCK at it... That means a raise of $2.82/hr. For working there two freakin months and get a FATTY of a raise like that, OMG! That makes $2,300 per MONTH, and the best news is... it only goes up from here! Soon to $17.80, then more plus my comp checks! WHOO HOO!

Okay, really, I'm done braggin, for a while. I also found out that I really like white choc chip and macadamia nut cookies, Power of the YUMMY!

- The opinion of The JSM @ 7/3/2004 07:25:55 PM (1) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!