Thursday, December 30, 2004
I must say that I really hate being confused... more than anything, I hate not having something to look forward to. In anything that one does, usually there is the end result that one looks forward to. Well see that is the problem here, the end result will ultimately be heartache and more stress than I have previously known in my short, meager existance. I am having drama trying to decide what route i would like to take. It is so strange to me that I am even debating this because typically I am one that looks at the result NOW not the end result. But in this particular case, I seem to be more tied up with how it will leave me in 2 or 20 years from now. Why the hell should I even be concerned with 20 or more years from now... I just don't know. I want to say that it doesn't matter and that I am willing to take the risk, but I have a REAL difficult time taking a risk. When I am not certain that the outcome will be positive or even close, I usually end up saying no or doing something that WILL have a positive outcome. I still am left with myself and my children to look out for. Is that in their best interest? OmG I am so confused... WHy? WHy?? WHy???
I'm Happy Wondering....
You can't be serious. I had a thought tho. If a certain someone (we'll call this one Patty) asked me what I want for Christmas... This would be my reply: I want to love you. I want you to be happy and fulfilled. I want to dine with you at a fancy restaurant and laugh till our stomaches hurt. I want to walk with you on a country road until the sun goes down, holding hands and touching hearts. I want to create traditions of our own and break old ones. I want to watch the room brighten when you walk in. I want to feel your gentle breath on my neck as we slow dance to our song. I want to hold you in my arms until you (and my arm) drift off to sleep. I want to be the one you've dreamed of. I want to see your tears of sorrow, anger, and frustration replaced with tears of joy, happiness, and love. I want to feel your cold feet against my leg on a chilly evening, just to know that I make your life a little more comfortable. I want to share what life has to offer, with you. I want to enjoy new things and try all the old things again, just to do them this time, with you by my side. I want to enter your world, help where it is wanted, give support when it is needed, lend my shoulder when a tear is shed, and be a crutch whenever you feel weak. I want you to know that you are my happy thought. You have become my reason for smiling when I can think of nothing to smile about.
More on this later but for now... a little tidbit from a song by Good Charlotte called Wondering.
"If you want me to wait, I will wait for you.
If you tell me to stay, I would stay right through.
If you don't wanna say anything at all,
I'm happy wondering..."
These Feelings are HORRIBLE!
Before I get into the mainstay of this blog, let me first tell you about a conversation I had last night (and early this morning). It lasted 175 minutes and 8 seconds. For those of you that are bad at math, that is 2 hours 55 minutes and 8 seconds. HOLY CRAP! I have not talked to anyone for more than like 20 mins in SO long, I can't even remember the last time I had a 3 hour conversation. AND, what's strange is that I think she helped me figure some things out and I have a mock game plan. This may just be a good thing but we'll see. Okay, now back to the reason for this blog. I have discovered a part of me that I have referanced before but never really thought about until today on the way to work. I have always dated within my own mediocrity (I have said this before) BUT what I haven't noticed about myself was that it was also regarding living arrangements and financial situations. If I look at EVERY person that I have dated, it is ALL the same. Our jobs, payrate, type of vehicle, type of living situation, everything, even down to the brands of clothes we wear and where we get them at. Maybe the real problem is that I feel inadequate and doubtful. I am not sure if a woman that makes more money than I do, or drives a nicer car than I do, or lives in a better situation than I do can possibly love someone of lesser importance or significance. I know they say that love is blind, but humans are not. As much as I want to believe that superficial things like that don't matter, the truth is that to SOME people it is ALL that matters. I sometimes feel like I am not a productive member of society and that most of my time is spent fkn off. Sometimes I wonder why my own mother would even love me. There are days that I feel like I could do anything, and usually those days are because I have talked with someone that made me feel good, or got a smile from "her". I have yet to figure out why my days are so gloomy. I have to keep myself occupied so that I can even function. If I am busy with something, I usually don't think about things and feel ok. I struggle with self-worth and sometimes wonder why I am here. I usually end up thinking about my children and family and sometimes, it is more important than not being here. I also just have to say thank you to Kinipeli for her IM yesterday, she said that I am appriciated and loved. Heres hoping for a safe trip to Canada and an awesome time, please come back safely, I don't wanna know what life would be like without you two. It's friends like you that make my life a little easier. I sometimes wonder what I have done to deserve the friends that I have, they are all really good people and I love them all dearly. To all of my friends, I hope you have the BEST Christmas that money CAN'T buy! Know that you are all loved and missed in our time apart.
People typically use the word wonderful to describe something that was great, but if you break down the word into wonder and ful, meaning full of wonder, does it really mean good? Or just that you have pondered alot? I've had a wonderful day. I've had a day of pondering. Dunno what I spent time pondering but I sure wasted alot of time doing so. I do have good news tho, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. No, Not really, but I AM off probation next month and that kicks ass! I will soon be driving again too. Still hoping to be accepted into school and the waiting is gonna kill me! I swear, and know that I shouldn't. I smoke, and realize that it will give me cancer and/or emphasima. I drive too fast and listen to music too loud. I love rock/punk music and cuntry. I get bored too easily and occupy my mind with stupid physics calculations and thoughts of angles. I loved high school, even tho I was a nerd and only dated 4 people. I stress so much that it causes me to lose sleep. I am addicted to my computer and play games so much that I often don't get to sleep before 4 or 6 am. I love and need my parents so much that if they were to die today, I would kill myself tomorrow. I am selfish, except when it comes to my children or girlfriend. I love life and wish for it to end quickly, so that I may move on to something different. I don't even care if it's better or worse, just different. Not that I feel like I have experienced everything there is, but it would sure be nice not to worry about the millions of things that concern me now. I just wanna move on. This brings up another interesting topic, school. I feel that IF I can become a more productive member of society and gain an education worthy of calling a degree I will somehow bring new meaning to my life. Maybe it will remove some of the doubt and reservations that I have regarding productivity.
Last note for todays blog... rhetorical questions to the proverbial lover.
"If I hugged you, would you hold me tightly in your arms? If I loved you, would you return my love? If I kissed you, would you kiss me back?"
My Confession....
Ice got me hooked on a website about confessions, I added the link to my links on the left of the page. I have something that I would like to confess and I do it on my blog because, well, it's mine and if I gave a shit about who reads it, I wouldn't post anything here.
My Confession:
My only requirement for dating a woman is that she be skinny. The more slender the better. If I could import a wife from Ethiopia, believe me - I would, and graciously feed her two grains of rice every day with an ounce of water. And I would love her till she gained weight. I really hate being that superficial, and honestly, I would never leave her just because she gained weight. It's just that if laziness came with the weight gain... That's just too much to handle. I really don't care if she has big boobs or little boobs, and to tell you the truth, I prefer the smaller ones, cuz they don't rest on your lap when ya sit down. I also prefer a woman that is pleasant on the eyes, but I would willingly sacrifice that if she was slender. There is a reason that this has all come about and it really has little to do with the fact that I am a proclaimed A$$LOL. I was married (choke, gasp, cough, repeat) to a whale. As soon as I can get my hands on a pic of the whale, I will be sure to post it. **UPDATED WITH PICTURE**
I also confess that I once loved my ex-whale, even after she PACKED on 100+ pounds and became lazy as fk. I loved her because she is the mother of my children and because she is the woman I chose to marry. I realize now that I made a mistake that I will pay for till my children are all 18+ and I will have to put up with her until I am dead, and maybe longer once I go to hell and I'm forced to re-marry her.
There, I did it, got that off my chest, not that I feel better but it sure didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.
Can't wait for hell.... Bring it on. JSM
Christmas, Already?!
I just got back from a "Christmas Party" where there was poker, karaoke, laughing and good conversation. It was awesome, but it brought about an interesting discussion, that is a little superfluous for me. I am usually the one that seems to know the "why" and "how" things happen. This left me clueless. It regarded love in a light I have never considered. Love, not like 'the one that got away' but more 'the one that you got away from.' Much in the same sense tho. When you think of 'the one that got away' it is usually longingly. "Whatever happened to so-and-so? We would have been awesome!" Do you ever think that you may have been the 'so-and-so'? Like, what happened to the one that wanted me, but I didn't want her? NO! Because, as humans, we are so stuck on ourselves and our own stupidity to even give a shit if it was someone that we didn't want to be around. This brings me to my next point, what if there were many people out there, thinking the same thing about you? Whatever happened to the JSM? Maybe YOU are the one that got away from them? The one that they would have been awesome with, but they fkd off and didn't say something or do anything to get your attention. Maybe it was someone you didn't even notice, or maybe you did notice them and chose to ignore them. What if you could have been something great? The next Donnie and Marie? K, on second thought, they were related, and that's just plain nasty anyway! Perhaps the next Bonnie and Clyde? OK, yeah, no, they were psychopaths and retards. So I admit it, I can't think of a good couple right now, but you get the damn point! I guess what I'm really getting at is that everyone has someone that got away. Someone that they just couldn't approach or couldn't talk to or couldn't become more than friends with. Do ya see my point? Good.
New Appeal, New Face
I have changed my site, as you can see... Please comment and let me know if you liked the old page better than the new. I would like to know so I can continue to give you the most pleasant view of my website as possible. Please comment so I can take a poll to which is better... Do you like the new or the old?
Wow, that's messed up!
I just now realized that I misspelled "tow" and used the word "toe" to describe the action of moving ones vehicle with the use of another, usually larger, vehicle. As it is now it would be using ones foot digit to relocate a vehicle. Could that be a retards way of towing a car? Kick it till it moves? "I'm gonna TOE your car!" Should I be expecting a scratch? Or maybe a small toe-shaped dent? Or what?? What are you exactly gonna do to my car? HOLY CRAP, that is funny! I can be a very retard sometimes. hehehe, So anyway, just thought I should point that out.
Moving on, again, again. I have decided that it is best to quit quitting smoking. That sounds retarded too. But in leu of that, I have also decided that I will be going back to school, I have been debating this for 9 years now, and it never seems to be the right time. It never will be either. So, I'm just gonna do it. Get enrolled and just GO. GO NOW! DO IT! And not look back. Head first, jump in, move on, and just freakin do it! I may end up flat on my face, but this is something that I just have to do and should have done so many years ago. (To my Master Teacher) Thanks for pushing me. I need a nudge occasionally. For oppressed toes everywhere, I will press on!
Do You Enjoy It????
I don't know about anyone else but I really REALLY enjoy smoking (cigarettes). There is just something about it that makes me feel alive. It allows me to push thru another day of lonliness and wasted time. Another day of random stupidity. Another day of absolute loathing. I really can't decide if I hate myself or if I hate that I have decided to quit smoking. It's almost like I (my needs based me) thinks smoking is bad for me and I should quit, the rest of me (my wants based me) thinks that there is NOTHING wrong with it. Your gonna die anyway, why not enjoy your life and do what you want, especially if your gonna die anyway? See what I'm saying? What's the point of looking good or feeling good if your fat and don't feel good anyway? And sometimes I'm not only talking about a physical feel good but an emotional feel good too. How many of us Always do things that will make us feel better? When was the last time you ate too many carbs, fat, or sweets? Smoking is just like that for me. It feels like just another thing that I do that is not healthy... Will it eventually kill me? Duh, but so will three million other things! I can't help but feel that IF I quit smoking there will (eventually) become a time when I do not crave them as much and a time when I do not want the smell around me and do not want the coughing, gagging, hacking. Oh but I love the way it feels going down and circulating thru my blood.... oh just thinking of it makes me want one even worse. I can hardly breathe when I think about my smoggy sue. I miss her. I want her back... OH BOY! I need to slow the fk down, breathe in and out and take it easy. I don't need to smoke, it is a worthless addiction that is nasty and smelly. I don't need it. I DON"T! I DON'T!!! Nor do I want it. I do, I really want one really REALLY BAD! Especially now that I have the WORST news in the WORLD! From GT5000. WHY?! Whhhhyyyyyyyyy?!?!?! OMFG! I'm gonna kill myself. I need a smog. Really!
So if rumor is true, my life is just about to get SO much worse. OMFG! So much worse. I cannot even explain because I am not "suppose" to know. Hmm It is really kewl tho that I do. Thanks to the little bird! Music is helping me stay sane... I can do this. I CAN DO ANYTHING! I really feel no differant today tho than I did yesterday. Other than I am more itchy (nervous like) and can't sit still. Maybe deep down smoking is my way of dealing with ADHD that I have been hiding well for the last 14 years. Wow, I am freakin out eh? I am tired and wired at the same time. I wanna smoke and don't. This is so confusing and disturbing that my body is fighting over itself. This will be the third (I think) time that I have tried to quit. I never quit for the right reasons but let me ask you this, IS there any WRONG reason to quit smoking. Maybe if you quit to start doing LSD then maybe that would be a bad reason. Otherwise it is pretty okay for whatever reason, RIGHT? So I guess it really doesn't matter then, just a matter of how I see it and what I see will happen and where I want to take my life after this. I really hope that I can move on past the smoking thing because it is so difficult to say to someone that you really care about health when you don't exercise and you smoke and drink WAY too much. Ya see what I'm dealing with here. I am nothing but a two faced smoker who can't even seem to keep on one track with that either. I would not want my future wife to smoke.... it is really a discusting habit, and it stinks. I would smoke and not allow her to??? Fer real? I am an ass. I cannot have discrepancies like that allowed. That is no way to have a relationship. I have a lot more improving to do before I think I will be ready for any kind of relationship. It will be fun to watch me change, I wish I could do it as an outsider. Changing from the inside is completely differant and a lot more complicated that it sounds. Especially from an outsiders standpoint. Think of it like this, chances are high that if you are reading my blog you are white. Try changing THAT! That is about what if feels like... someone is taunting me... become a black man.... become a mexican't.... become someone you are not. I am striving to become someone I want to be. Behaviors are the easy thing to change too... it's the thoughts that provoke the behaviors that are more complicated to change and seem to last forever and ever. I want to change those too. It does no good to change the behavior if, it comes back depending on circumstance. You have to change the thoughts and provocations behind the behaviors to actually change the behaviors. Wish me luck.
Thanks JSM
LOOK ----------------->
Just look at my scroll bar!!! IT IS NOT NORMAL!!! YEAH! I DID IT! I really can do anything! Oh it is good to be ME! Bow down to me, bow before the almighty JSM! J/K But really I AM AWESOME! Thank you, Thank you.... please hold your applause. A collection plate will be going around shortly.
NO! Don't Toe My Car!!!
Also, you may all remember my stunt, but for those that don't remember, or would like a refresher course... here it is.
Several months back I was written up at work for some bogus shit that I really did but was no where near worth a write up. This happened twice, the culprit was my ex-trainer, codenamed-Tron. So, I had to plot revenge. Thru some active detective work and the handywork of one of her close friends (right) I found out who she has her car loan thru. It was a local credit union that my sister just so happen to work at. I mocked up a repo letter from the bank. But I knew that Tron is not one to be late on car payments, so it had to be something REALLY sneaky. INSURANCE! I made the letter sound like there was a certain type of loan insurance that was not completed on the vehicle and gave a nice sob story about, "We regret to inform you that..." blah, blah, blah, "Your vehicle is being reposessed. If you have any questions please call us at..." Upon completion of the letter I handed it to her supervisor and had him say it was "dropped off at the front desk" He graciously did so. When she opened the letter, there was a toe truck (all pranked up by me) getting ready to toe her vehicle. She breifly read the letter and swore at the top of her lungs, and quickly ran to the rear entrance of the building where she had parked, right in front of the back doors (also carefully planned). Where she witnessed the grill of a flat-bed toe truck getting ready to hook up, and toe her car away. She quickly came back in and (swearing the whole while) stated she was going to call the bank. I quickly interupted and informed her that it was all a gag and that you don't fk with the jap, cuz he'll get you (and it will look like an accident)! I love being ME!
Dating? Online?? Fer Real???
I was browsing online dating sites. You know, it is very strange that every single woman on every single site seems to be the "perfect" woman. I am positive that they are doing a little misrepresentation of character. I am also positive that there are no perfect women out there. Everyone has their flaws, granted tho, some have larger flaws than others. Some even have more flaws than they know about. All I am getting at is that if you wish to meet someone that is truly compatible, you have to be honest. Lies, deceit, misinformation and misrepresentation will not form a good basis for a relationship. Quit being a FKN retard and portray an honest image of yourself! That is the ONLY way that you can have a fulfilling relationship.
Moving on. The internet is so vast that it is starting to make me crazy! There is so much to do online and so little time. I want to explore things that I have never seen before. I want to learn about firewire networking, optical drives, power supplies, nuclear reactors, firestone tires, and muscle cars, but there is so little time to do it all in. This is the reason I hate working. It seems that so often I prefer not to be bothered by "the little people" and all of their problems. I would much rather be consumed in my own pitiful life and not have to worry about anyone. I would become a hermit if I wasn't addicted to socialization and modern conveniences. I love having light when I want it, heat, AC, vehicles, food (without having to kill it or pick it), and all of the little things that money gets, like silverware, cookware, clothes, shoes (nice shoes btw), and the not-so-little things, like amusement parks, malls, walmart, trains. I think you get the point tho.
Moving on again. I had words with Ice, who stated that I remind her of one of my elder brothers. This is very concerning to me because, I know that he is an ass. I know that I too, am an ass, but (hehehe butt) prefer not to be known as such. I am trying desperately to change my image and rely on no assness. Some of the image of my brother must be fairly good cuz she was with him for sum 41 years or so. It's not ALL bad I'm sure. Ice, I HATE YOU for even making me think about this shit! I have more important things to debate and concern myself with. DAMNIT!
Moving on again, again. I got a bonus on my last paycheck of $121.00. That was nice... sept that they took it away from me and left me to ROT! You Bastards! They killed Kenny!
Oh, I did NOT just do THAT!!!
But, alas, I did. I made a dirty deal with the Debo. I have sold my soul to Satan! I have done the dead with Diablo and laughed ludicrously with Lucifer. I have the stamp on my hand to prove it. I have no freakin clue where that came from, but I love the way it sounds... Just rolls off the tounge, nice and easy. Still don't know where it came from tho. Oh and by the way, word to the makers of the SpiroGraph and the Etch-a-Sketch, magnificant contraptions.
No Time, No Blog
It seem that with the return of Takara that I would be able to blog more frequently or at least once in a while. That is not the case, at least not yet. I have spent so much time configuring stuff and reloading drivers and software that it is difficult to find time to even play, although, the other night I played with her for 23 hours straight (minus a 45 min nap). It was AWESOME! I love that puter. Even if I have to retrain her everything. She now boots much faster tho. It is kinda wierd because she has a cheap board in her. She should be booting slower. I will not question that which is good. Just accept it and move on. I will work on that. Today and forever. Acceptance will forever be a work in progress. I love progress and sometimes the anti progress also called congress (meaning NO progress) or regress (reducing what progress was made). It's kinda strange.
I am finding a new "spice" to life. It's seems to be more about what you give than get, and what you are willing to forgive than resent. I vow to make life more livable.
Brain Surgery Gone Awry
OMG, So much to tell, so little time. As you all know well by now, Takara, was having some issues. She is now feeling better and up and running but at much cost. It has been a week of torment and anxiety for both of us. In lieu of recent transpirations, I am not going into the medical field of study. I am not meant to be a doctor. Takara no longer knows who she is. Her brain has been completely erased and reformatted. Alas, the Takara I came to know and love is no longer. She is now a faster, sleeker version of the same person and I will grow to love her after-market makeover. She is like a dumb blonde now. Knows nothing and does half what I ask of her to. It's okay tho, I will train her to be the ferocious freight train that she once was. All is well. I have spent two days now installing new software and getting all the drivers for the hardware updated. I didn't realize how much I went thru over the years to get that pc where it was. I will always miss the Takara I grew to love. The new Takara is good and all but we had something special. And that is irreplaceable.
She's BaaaAAAAAaaack!
Oh the genocide that would have taken place. I do not wish to see people die. I broke. I had to do it. I had to. You don't understand what it's like. I have a very good analogy tho, consider this, you have an itch. Don't scratch it. Think about it. Think about it till it goes away. Don't touch it. Just think about it. That is pretty close to what it is like for me not to have my precious. It's alot like having an itch on your back that you cannot get to, no one is around to scratch it for you and nothing to scratch it with. I broke. I purchased a cheap board (to be replaced at a later date). It was like putting a used heart into a dying woman. It will not last long but it will get her by until she can be upgraded to a titanium, diamond plated, gold laced one that works better. She is back. Still some work to be done to re-secure all of my normal drivers and hardware. A welcome effort when compared to being without. Ice requested a TV show be recorded, tonight! OMG! This means that I have to push aside all other repairs and issues, work on gettin my TiVo working and get to recording. Hmmm, Maybe I should charge her for this.... I could make millions, hmmm weird.
A white man once told me that I am brazen. Brazen! ME, Of all the people. I, of course, had words for him. Me, pfft, right. By defenition, brazen is: Marked by flagrant and insolent audacity. OMG!!!! I'm gonna kick his ass!!! FKR!!
