End of round 11.
Emotionally beaten, I took a week to reevaluate my relationship and try to de-stress. We have been on two completely different pages for way too long and it has got to stop. Either we go our separate ways or become unified to the kids. Come together on our parenting and marriage or split forever. Either way is better than the stress-ridden life that I've come to accept as normal. This was never meant to be normal, never meant to become us or take us over. I can't take it anymore. I can't take the headaches. I can't take the tense and sore muscles. I just can't take any more fighting. I really wish there was a quick cure all that I could just inject or rub on the affected areas. It just seems that there's no coming back from this. I probably sound like a broken record on this damn blog. It sure seems that I keep coming back to the same lack of patience and the same anger issues. I can't seem to fix anything, I can't seem to change my feelings or attitudes. Which, of course, just make things worse.
Beginning of round 12.
Still bleeding and beaten but slightly rejuvenated, I've come back from this hiatus and promises to be better have been made. I can only hope, for the sake of my second marriage and the bulk of my sanity, that these promises are kept.
This was the second hardest Christmas that I've ever had. The only one worse came 22 days after my ex-wife took my kids out of my home and began the longest year of my life. It's still difficult to think back to that first Christmas alone. The first time that I ever had to take down a tree without the cheerful noises of my children playing in the background with their recently acquired trinkets of joy. Following that dreadful Christmas there were two more that followed, both with me waking up alone, no children by my bed gently nudging me to consciousness or jumping on my bed screaming about presents and Santa and beaming with excitement. Just me. Alone. This year my sister was kind enough to allow me to stay at her home during this difficult time. Though I woke up to a house full of my sisters wonderful family, it still felt just as cold and empty as being alone. Knowing that I should be happy; I should be filled with joy and love; I should be with MY family; just seemed to make bearing the pain that much worse.
If I've learned anything in the last 16 years, it's this: If you don't completely trust someone, loving them will be impossible. So can you love someone that doesn't trust you? Someone that doesn't believe you when you say, "Kids need consistency." Someone who takes you for granted and doesn't make an effort to show any appreciation or gratitude?
In addition to all of this, I've also been doing a lot of soul searching and figuring out exactly what it is that I've done wrong in all of this mess. There are always two sides to every argument. I'm not innocent here, I know that for certain. For two years after my first divorce I really took some time to analyze all of the little things that went wrong in my marriage that caused it to end in an explosion. I read books and researched, watched videos and slideshows, talked with doctors and married couples. All the information got digested and it took two years for me to really figure out what I should have known all along. Two years of torture and self-help books to turn the finger on myself and not point it at everyone else. Two years to figure out that I gave up too soon, that I didn't fight for what I believed in, that I willingly became a servant to the marriage and never focused on maintaining my own personality and my own opinions. I realize that I'm starting into that same tunnel again, the same destructive path of giving up and taking the easy way out. So, this is it... The gloves are on and I'm really trying to stay in the fight. Round 12. The final round. I'm bleeding and can't really see because the anger has narrowed my vision so that I only see pain and more fighting. Either this fight will be the end of our marriage or the salve that makes it stronger.
Now I can only hope that she can join me on this journey, that we call our marriage, while still maintaining who she is and while fighting for US also. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff that you can forget the bigger picture and what's really important. Don't forget what's important. Don't forget me.
