Thursday, July 30, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Missing her?
You know it's weird... the times that I miss her. It's so random and never predictable. It's not when you'd think. Like today it happened at 9:30 am. I wanted to talk to someone about my weird neighbor asking me for a ride to see his mother (about a mile away). I wanted to tell her, but it would be weird to text her about it and I don't feel comfortable just calling her out of the blue JUST to tell her about my stupid neighbor. To be honest though, this is the first time I've actually felt like I wanted to call her. Is that progress or congress? lol.
Monday, July 20, 2015
July 20, 2015 at 05:45PM
I have to give props to my son who lost weight, looks great and is much more healthy! I'm very proud of you, Jordan Harada! These were taken 1 year apart.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
July 19, 2015 at 09:38PM
This post is just to remind you to always believe in yourself. If you have a dream, you have to go on a journey to fulfill that dream. The ups and downs will always be a part of life. Just don't give up
July 19, 2015 at 06:10PM
There is something very satisfying about watching a bunch of ducks cross the road even though I had to stop where there was no stop sign. #IdahoLiving
Saturday, July 18, 2015
July 18, 2015 at 08:26PM
What an awesome day! Fun times at the company picnic and dinner with my Grandma So much fun, its hard to think about going to bed.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
July 16, 2015 at 08:39PM
GPS to take you to the boonies: $100 Cost to replace GPS for throwing it out of the car when it lead you into a field: $100 Coming back with some great memories: Priceless.
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
July 08, 2015 at 07:24PM
Is it just me or do these two pictures share a certain... je ne sais quoi. JEEP IS RACIST!!!! LMAO
Saturday, July 04, 2015
July 04, 2015 at 03:32PM
My new office pleases me greatly. (and by 'office' I mean the closet that has a closet in my apartment, and by 'greatly' I mean COLORS!)
Thursday, July 02, 2015
Thursday the 18th of June I decided that it was time to leave my wife, Becca. We've been together for 10 years. There comes a time when you've been unhappy long enough that the goods get overshadowed by the bitter, angry sads.
Here's my letter to her.
---------------------------
You deserve to have a dog if you want a dog. I hate that I don't want one, I should want what you want. I should want that for you. This is really difficult for me because this is a small issue compared to the larger issue which is that we seem to be worlds apart from where we started. We both get angry over stupid things, for stupid reasons and I feel like our relationship has puttered out. It has become more about making it work and dealing with things than enjoying life and enjoying each other. I want to sit with you on the couch and watch the same shows you're into, but I can't because every time I sit on the couch, I struggle for breath for the next several hours. I can't ask you to get rid of the animals because you love them and you should be surrounded by things you love, but dealing with this has become a problem for me.
Even larger than the separate worlds we live in is that we clearly have vastly different approaches to dealing with the kids and I'm over fighting about it. I accept that you are different than I am, but I can't stand by anymore and listen to your son treat you with disrespect and apathy while you allow it to continue. I would prefer that you stood up for yourself and demand the respect that you deserve. And I'm sure you will, in time, when it feels right for you. I love that you try to give them both everything you can, I admire that about mothers in general, but no good will come from a spoiled child and sometimes I feel like you just don’t see what is really happening in front of you.
As much as I love you, I can’t force you to live a life that you and I are unhappy with. I can’t make you into a person that wants to play with RC cars and watch Game of Thrones and camp instead of dog showing. I can’t force you to live a life without pets nor would I want to. I want us both to be happy. I made the mistake of putting on a face and letting things go for years in my first marriage and I can feel the same things happening here. I won’t let myself make that mistake again. I won’t let you make that mistake either. I’m sure there is someone out there who will love pets and dog shows and the tv shows you’re into… I wish I was that person. I thought I could be that person.
I am so filled with angst and turmoil. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, especially after all we’ve been through together. Leaving is never easy and I feel like I am being unfair but we’ve talked and talked and ended up further apart with our views. We’ve compromised until we both felt shorted and still didn’t reach a common place. I’ve given this a lot of thought and played through hundreds of scenarios and keep coming to the same conclusion. I love you. I know you love me. That probably won’t change but I have to do what is best for me. I hope this doesn’t start a fight, fighting will just end in bitterness and hate. I would like to avoid a situation where one of us feels like we can’t talk to the other.
I feel like this has been coming for a while and as much as I tried to turn it around it just hasn’t helped. This feels really selfish but I just can’t continue in a relationship that is making me feel this way.
---------------------------
I have spent our whole relationship trying to make her happy and it reached a point where I felt she wasn't happy with anything I did to or for her. Then she replied that she never tried to focus on what would make me happy... it just never occurred to her to think that way. For her to say she never tried to reciprocate my efforts was just a slap in the face. Anway she wrote back this letter a week later.
---------------------------
I’ve been mulling over this letter for days now. I go back and forth about whether I should write it or whether I should just let you be for right now. I had a bit of an epiphany today though. I realized that I was stifling my feelings and not expressing them to you. You married me for me, because of the strength you see in me and even through all of my flaws you saw my sparkle. If I lose that sparkle then I’m just some other girl. I need to be who I am and who I have always been, clearly with a few needed enhancements. It’s those enhancements that I have been working hard at over the last week and I will continue to work hard at, probably for the rest of my life, once I’ve conquered one I know there will be another that I’ll need to get started on. For now, I’m focusing on the most important for where my life is now. A big part of that is you.
It’s strange how perspective can change so quickly. I remember having a conversation with you awhile back about how me being late all the time is just me, it’s part of my being. That’s still true, but I realized that what you were really trying to tell me when you said you think being late is rude is that, for you, that is an act of service. It's a choice for me to show my love for you by not being late. It isn’t just about when I’m going somewhere with you or meeting you somewhere, you are upset about when I go to work late too because it doesn’t just affect me going in late, when I go in late I also have to stay late and then I don’t get home until after you are ready to or have already eaten dinner. I have always known how important having dinner together was to you and I lost my perspective on how my other actions were affecting things like that. When I am late all the time, regardless of what it is to or for, you feel like I don’t respect you or love you. I get it now. I’ve slapped myself on the forehead about a thousand times already for that. I'm so sorry for not realizing this sooner.
I’m working on several other things right now but one of the other things I realized is that I’ve been tiptoeing around you, trying to give you what you need. But in all honesty, you haven't really told me what you need. Maybe you don’t really know right now and that’s ok. I'm trying to be better at communicating and I know I need to ask for the things I need just as much as I need you to ask for the things you need as well. I would really like it if we could talk about where you're at and maybe have some kind of small game plan. It doesn’t need to be big, just a plan for the next few days or week or so. Whatever you’ve worked out. I would also really like to discuss the finances. I want to make sure I know when things are due and what things are coming out of the bill pay and which are directly withdrawn and when. I also need to know what things you've changed and what the new amounts are going to be.
A couple of other things on my mind right now that I want you to know. I want you to know that I know how much you love me and that this isn’t what you wanted any more than I do but that this is what you feel you have to do right now. While I don’t want to do it this way, I can deal with it and I can be ok with it. I also feel like I am being compared to ShaNeil. When I hear things like, "I'm trying not to let it be like last time," it makes me feel like you think I could turn into her. I’m sure that is not your intention, it’s just the way I feel. I hope you know this already but I want to say it anyway, I will NEVER be ShaNeil. I will NEVER do those things she did to you. I would never intentionally try to hurt you in any way and I am so sorry for all of the hurt that I have caused you.
Ok, I’m going to wrap this up now because I know you hate reading. One last little thing. I started counseling this week. I am doing this for me. So I can work on my issues and get to the place I need to be to be the best possible partner for you and for me. I am 100% committed to this relationship and I am doing everything I can to be the best version of myself. I am already addressing my biggest issues, I know that some of these were the biggest contributor to my part of your unhappiness and I have already made huge strides in them. I am here whenever you want to talk. We don’t even have to talk about us, we can talk about whatever. Do what you need to do for you, just please let me know where you’re at with that. I know that you may not be able to see the glimmer of hope that I do, but I can carry enough lanterns for both of us right now. I love you more than words can ever express.
With all my love,
Becca
---------------------------
At this point I feel like she's treating this like a game... if she can just meet the check points, solve the riddle and stack the blocks just right then I'll come back and it'll be okay. It's not a game to me. This is my life and I feel like she's taken me for granted for the last time.
I want someone that I can be intimate with while still breathing, someone that can turn me on with a passionate kiss, someone who makes me want to be a better version of myself. I want someone to appreciate what I bring to the table and love me in spite of my failings. Someone who can see past the shallow facade and really understand me. I fear, at 37, that I may be on my own for the next 50 years.
Here's my letter to her.
---------------------------
You deserve to have a dog if you want a dog. I hate that I don't want one, I should want what you want. I should want that for you. This is really difficult for me because this is a small issue compared to the larger issue which is that we seem to be worlds apart from where we started. We both get angry over stupid things, for stupid reasons and I feel like our relationship has puttered out. It has become more about making it work and dealing with things than enjoying life and enjoying each other. I want to sit with you on the couch and watch the same shows you're into, but I can't because every time I sit on the couch, I struggle for breath for the next several hours. I can't ask you to get rid of the animals because you love them and you should be surrounded by things you love, but dealing with this has become a problem for me.
Even larger than the separate worlds we live in is that we clearly have vastly different approaches to dealing with the kids and I'm over fighting about it. I accept that you are different than I am, but I can't stand by anymore and listen to your son treat you with disrespect and apathy while you allow it to continue. I would prefer that you stood up for yourself and demand the respect that you deserve. And I'm sure you will, in time, when it feels right for you. I love that you try to give them both everything you can, I admire that about mothers in general, but no good will come from a spoiled child and sometimes I feel like you just don’t see what is really happening in front of you.
As much as I love you, I can’t force you to live a life that you and I are unhappy with. I can’t make you into a person that wants to play with RC cars and watch Game of Thrones and camp instead of dog showing. I can’t force you to live a life without pets nor would I want to. I want us both to be happy. I made the mistake of putting on a face and letting things go for years in my first marriage and I can feel the same things happening here. I won’t let myself make that mistake again. I won’t let you make that mistake either. I’m sure there is someone out there who will love pets and dog shows and the tv shows you’re into… I wish I was that person. I thought I could be that person.
I am so filled with angst and turmoil. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, especially after all we’ve been through together. Leaving is never easy and I feel like I am being unfair but we’ve talked and talked and ended up further apart with our views. We’ve compromised until we both felt shorted and still didn’t reach a common place. I’ve given this a lot of thought and played through hundreds of scenarios and keep coming to the same conclusion. I love you. I know you love me. That probably won’t change but I have to do what is best for me. I hope this doesn’t start a fight, fighting will just end in bitterness and hate. I would like to avoid a situation where one of us feels like we can’t talk to the other.
I feel like this has been coming for a while and as much as I tried to turn it around it just hasn’t helped. This feels really selfish but I just can’t continue in a relationship that is making me feel this way.
---------------------------
I have spent our whole relationship trying to make her happy and it reached a point where I felt she wasn't happy with anything I did to or for her. Then she replied that she never tried to focus on what would make me happy... it just never occurred to her to think that way. For her to say she never tried to reciprocate my efforts was just a slap in the face. Anway she wrote back this letter a week later.
---------------------------
I’ve been mulling over this letter for days now. I go back and forth about whether I should write it or whether I should just let you be for right now. I had a bit of an epiphany today though. I realized that I was stifling my feelings and not expressing them to you. You married me for me, because of the strength you see in me and even through all of my flaws you saw my sparkle. If I lose that sparkle then I’m just some other girl. I need to be who I am and who I have always been, clearly with a few needed enhancements. It’s those enhancements that I have been working hard at over the last week and I will continue to work hard at, probably for the rest of my life, once I’ve conquered one I know there will be another that I’ll need to get started on. For now, I’m focusing on the most important for where my life is now. A big part of that is you.
It’s strange how perspective can change so quickly. I remember having a conversation with you awhile back about how me being late all the time is just me, it’s part of my being. That’s still true, but I realized that what you were really trying to tell me when you said you think being late is rude is that, for you, that is an act of service. It's a choice for me to show my love for you by not being late. It isn’t just about when I’m going somewhere with you or meeting you somewhere, you are upset about when I go to work late too because it doesn’t just affect me going in late, when I go in late I also have to stay late and then I don’t get home until after you are ready to or have already eaten dinner. I have always known how important having dinner together was to you and I lost my perspective on how my other actions were affecting things like that. When I am late all the time, regardless of what it is to or for, you feel like I don’t respect you or love you. I get it now. I’ve slapped myself on the forehead about a thousand times already for that. I'm so sorry for not realizing this sooner.
I’m working on several other things right now but one of the other things I realized is that I’ve been tiptoeing around you, trying to give you what you need. But in all honesty, you haven't really told me what you need. Maybe you don’t really know right now and that’s ok. I'm trying to be better at communicating and I know I need to ask for the things I need just as much as I need you to ask for the things you need as well. I would really like it if we could talk about where you're at and maybe have some kind of small game plan. It doesn’t need to be big, just a plan for the next few days or week or so. Whatever you’ve worked out. I would also really like to discuss the finances. I want to make sure I know when things are due and what things are coming out of the bill pay and which are directly withdrawn and when. I also need to know what things you've changed and what the new amounts are going to be.
A couple of other things on my mind right now that I want you to know. I want you to know that I know how much you love me and that this isn’t what you wanted any more than I do but that this is what you feel you have to do right now. While I don’t want to do it this way, I can deal with it and I can be ok with it. I also feel like I am being compared to ShaNeil. When I hear things like, "I'm trying not to let it be like last time," it makes me feel like you think I could turn into her. I’m sure that is not your intention, it’s just the way I feel. I hope you know this already but I want to say it anyway, I will NEVER be ShaNeil. I will NEVER do those things she did to you. I would never intentionally try to hurt you in any way and I am so sorry for all of the hurt that I have caused you.
Ok, I’m going to wrap this up now because I know you hate reading. One last little thing. I started counseling this week. I am doing this for me. So I can work on my issues and get to the place I need to be to be the best possible partner for you and for me. I am 100% committed to this relationship and I am doing everything I can to be the best version of myself. I am already addressing my biggest issues, I know that some of these were the biggest contributor to my part of your unhappiness and I have already made huge strides in them. I am here whenever you want to talk. We don’t even have to talk about us, we can talk about whatever. Do what you need to do for you, just please let me know where you’re at with that. I know that you may not be able to see the glimmer of hope that I do, but I can carry enough lanterns for both of us right now. I love you more than words can ever express.
With all my love,
Becca
---------------------------
At this point I feel like she's treating this like a game... if she can just meet the check points, solve the riddle and stack the blocks just right then I'll come back and it'll be okay. It's not a game to me. This is my life and I feel like she's taken me for granted for the last time.
I want someone that I can be intimate with while still breathing, someone that can turn me on with a passionate kiss, someone who makes me want to be a better version of myself. I want someone to appreciate what I bring to the table and love me in spite of my failings. Someone who can see past the shallow facade and really understand me. I fear, at 37, that I may be on my own for the next 50 years.
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
July 01, 2015 at 12:29PM
I don't talk to most of you often, so it wouldn't surprise me if you didn't know that it has been a rough couple weeks. So, for anyone who doesn't know, here's the deets: Becca and I have separated. Neither of us had been happy with our relationship for a while and though we tried to work on things, I felt it necessary for me to move out. We will reevaluate where we're both at later, but for now I have moved into an apartment in Idaho Falls. We still talk and will still work on things but our households are separate. Sorry to give bad news on Facebook, but it seemed the best way to tell everyone.