My interview.

INTERVIEW SOMEONE YOU LOVE ABOUT LIFE
Questions from Brendon B.

1. What comes to mind when you think about growing up in your hometown?
The canal behind the neighbors house, the hours we would spend boogie boarding, swimming, and talking. Walking thru the forest to the lake and spending time on the buttes.

2. What did you love to do as a kid, before high school?
I used to ride my bike a lot. I would pretend I was driving a school bus and do my route, picking up kids along the way. I remember plowing the driveway on my knees the year I got my Tonka bulldozer for Christmas.

3. What did you love to do in high school?
I learned to code in high school and loved computers. I would spend as much time as I could learning to build them, fix them, upgrade them, and use them. I worked at a local Mexican restaurant, and would put in as many hours as I could so I would have money to treat my friends to lunch, and go 'on the cruise'.

4. What do remember most about your teenage years?
on my 16th birthday, I remember sitting in my room, just down the hall with a couple friends of mine was my crush. I remember thinking how bad it sucked that I was 16 and never been kissed by a girl. I was so down on myself about it. It hurt. The rejection. The solitude. But when my crush offered a kiss in exchange for a tiny chirping baby chicken that I had, I could not do it. I have never been the type to take advantage like that. It didn't feel right. I gave her the chic because it seemed like it meant a lot to her, and more than anything, I wanted her to be happy. I have been looking for that chirping chic ever since, and have never ever seen one like it. But if I do, I will pay any price to have it again.

5. What do you remember most about your mom (grandma)?
My mother was a very flawed woman. Perhaps we all are, but she was always my protector. Even when it was the most painful thing she would ever do, she always did it. There would be days on end of tears and pain, but if it was the best thing for me, she made sure it was done.

6. What was most important to her?
Her children. We always came first. We always came last. And sometimes even at the cost of her own dreams.

7. What do you remember most about your dad (grandpa)?
My father was very stern. He never took any shit from me. I always knew where he stood, and he always stood for what was right. He taught me the most important lesson of my life, stand behind your wife, no matter what the cost, no matter what the burden. Treat her like your queen and love her unconditionally. (even 15 years after they were divorced, he still loves her as much as ever).

8. What was most important to him?
Having a smile on his face, and being there for anyone who needed him. He was always happiest when he was making others happy.

9. If grandma and grandpa had a message to you and their grandchildren, what do you think it is?
Be humble. Be thankful. Be true to yourself, and love others.

10. How did you meet [spouse] and know (s)he was the one?
She was my trainer when I started a new job. We teased each other relentlessly, but I knew she was the one when she faked my second write-up. I don't get written-up. It's just not who I am. I work hard to do the best job I can and I work even harder to be better at it than those I work with. But I knew, the second I found out it was her behind it all, I knew that we would be very close, forever.

11. How did you choose your career and what was your favorite part about it?
I have always loved computers, so it was natural for me to have a career behind a desk. I love working on them, I love making things with them, I love tinkering with the internet and building apps and websites. I will never stop learning about computers and programming languages. They help me solve problems, and deep down, I am a problem solver.

12. What made you successful at work?
Being better at everything I do than I was yesterday.

13. What did you believe about yourself that helped you become successful and deal with hard times?
The best thing you can do to deal with things is to allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to be sad, or angry, or hurt. Then, when you've had enough, move on and allow yourself to grow from the experience.

14. What times in your life truly “tested your mettle,” and what did you learn about yourself by dealing (or not dealing) with them?
I fought with my ex-wife, the mother of my three children, for over a year in courtrooms and outside of them, for the right to see my children. It cost me dearly. A debt that I paid for more than 10 years after it was all final. I would do it all again if it meant I would get to see my children grow up. That taught me that despite what people are, or who they seem to be, they are never showing you all that they are capable of.

15. What three events most shaped your life?
Having kids. Graduating college. Purchasing my first camp trailer.

16. What do you remember about when each of us was born?
The first, I remember crying when he was born. I was so proud to be a father! I couldn't wait to teach him how to make sushi, and how to tie a shoe, and how to forgive when he's been hurt. To that point, he was my greatest joy and I had never been more happy or hopeful for the future.
The second, I remember my parents drove 400 miles to be at the hospital when he was born. I remember allowing his older brother to hold him and how proud he was to finally be a big brother. He worried more about him than I did! I remember rocking him to sleep in the hospital chair. A chair that was painful to sit in after 5 minutes, but to see my son asleep in my arms was worth every discomfort. Knowing he would wake if I stood up, or re-positioned... I couldn't let that happen.
The third, I found out she was born 3 days after. I remember the first time I held her. I remember being so pissed that I wasn't there to see her come into the world. But her beautiful smile and the way she laughed made me glow. I knew then, that I would do anything it took to make her laugh for the rest of her life.

17. Were you ever scared to be a parent?
The most scared I ever felt was sitting in the rocking chair at 4 am. My oldest in my arms crying and screaming. I had tried everything I could think of. Diaper change, feeding, bathing, rocking, burping... It had been hours and hours ago that he started crying and I just sat there, rocking him, crying along with him, not knowing what to do, feeling like I had failed him, feeling like such an idiot for not being able to comfort him. I was so scared that he was broken. Scared that he would have some permanent problem because I couldn't fix him. Scared that it was my fault that he was crying and that I could never fix it.

18. What three words would you say represented your approach to parenting and why?
Firm. Forgiving. Funny.
I want nothing more than for my children to be happy. For me, being happy is being prosperous, providing for my family, and laughing often. But I want them to be happy, for whatever that means to them.

19. When you think about [sibling] how would you describe him?
Seriously? 10 siblings... forget about it.

20. What message do you have for [sibling] that you want him to always keep in mind?

[Do the last two questions above for each sibling in your family]

21. When you think about [spouse], how would you describe her/him?
Bec is patient and kind. The type of person you can sit in silence without it being awkward. We all have things to work on, but at least hers are minor. She's such a good person that it makes me strive to be better. She has made me so much more patient and I strive to be more like her everyday. I love her so much, it's impossible to convey.

22. What message do you have for [spouse] that you want her/him to always keep in mind?
I am imperfect, but with your help I have become the best version of me and with you by my side I continue, every day, to get better. I love you too!

23. What three words would you say best describe who you tried to be in life and how you want to be remembered?
Funny, forgiving, helpful.

24. When they think about their careers, what do you want your children to focus on?
Be the best version of yourself. Strive to make today the best day you've had and forgive yourself for yesterday.

25. What have you learned about other people in life? (trustworthy, kind or not and mean)?
Do not rely on others for your happiness. They will always disappoint you. Rely on yourself, and when you feel like you've let yourself down, change your attitude and be grateful for all the wonderful things in your life.

26. What do you think the world needs more of right now?
Gratitude. Forgiveness (not to be mistaken with forgetfulness). And most importantly, the world needs you to be the best you.

27. What do you believe people want the most in life?
Happiness. If you're not striving for happiness, you might be too focused on the destination.

28. What were the three best decisions you’ve ever made?
a) Divorcing my first wife. I should have listened to my friends and family, and been more open to the truth of our relationship.
b) Getting my degree. Live is so much more fulfilling when you make a little more money.
c) Traveling. in person and vicariously. Because it teaches you WHAT to be grateful for.

29. What are you most proud of in life?
The knowledge that I have, my ability to learn, and my ability to implement what I've learned.

30. What were five of the most positive moments of your life?
a) Getting my degrees.
b) Becoming an adult, and I don't mean the age.
c) Teaching my children that it's okay to mourn, hurt, rejoice, celebrate... to feel
d) The thrill of driving your first brand new car off the lot. I've never been so grateful for anything in my life.
e) Having my parents, who both show an interest in my life, still be around.

31. What message would you like to share with your family?
There is no better joy or pleasure in life than when you are grateful, content, and loved. Please remember that.

32. What are you most thankful for?
I am most thankful for the fact that I've never been without. All that I've ever needed has been provided for. I've never been without food, shelter, love, or transportation.

Identify what broke

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me the most. I know they expect an answer like: heights, closed spaces, or people dressed like animals; but how do I tell them that when I was 17 years old, I took a class called Relationships for Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover's once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one-track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits, though once adored, are now just money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet on the dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of the class. After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, "Is love a feeling or is it a choice?" We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we'd never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married. We asked them about their marriages and why it lasted, or why it failed. At the end, I asked every person, "Is love an emotion or a choice?" Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work. Every day, with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage the "feeling of love" had vanished or faded and they weren't happy. They said, feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last forever on a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with. The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I have never looked at relationships the same way. I now understood why arranged marriages were successful. I had discovered the differences in feelings and commitments. I have never gone for the person who makes my heart race or my head spin. I've chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even during the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe, can no longer see the stars in my eyes, as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.

... As long as they still CHOOSE to look, until they find them again.

*Completely hijacked. Not my work, just a powerful message that needs passed on.