Are you threatening ME?

Here's the story about how I quit the highest paying job I have ever had, and later found out that I was being underpaid by $30,000/yr based on the national average.... it all started, on April 25 2022:

Email From: Jared  (Boss) 

Got reminded (finger wagged) this morning that we are not putting in estimates and low time worked numbers in Azure…..Please make sure you get your estimates as well as time spent values in throughout the week. As usual, Amy is available to help if you need it.

After this email, I updated Azure.

Email From: Jared

A reminder on this. Almost everyone on this list has either not closed out and updated hours and/or provided estimates for the tasks in ADO. I know this is not a fun part of the job, but it’s not going to go away and now Paul is getting frustrated with the lack of participation. It’s not going away, and we’re going to have to get used to this being a part of each task going forward.  I would recommend that if you don’t know why you are short or if you need help with what exactly you are responsible for, just let me or Amy know. Now is the time to get it right because the next step is not pretty.

Next week, we will meet with Amy individually and do a little report card session to evaluate what has happened to date.  But it would be better to go into that meeting with nothing to report……

Email From: Me

I am completely lost here. I have updated every card I have on the sprint board with hours worked and remaining hours. I’m assuming you must be talking about things that I’ve done that don’t have a task or card associated? Am I supposed to make a card for each thing I do? I’m not sure what else I can do at this point, but you and Paul are really on my ass about this and I don’t know how to help here. And now I’m being threatened with a meeting with Amy and “the next step isn’t pretty” but I DON”T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Please help.

Email From: Jared 

For weeks (actually months), Amy reached out to everyone to explain what they were responsible for. She has offered help at every turn, and as much as we all don’t look forward to the paperwork part of the job, this is what’s happening. It is each individuals responsibility to raise this issue as the calls for getting it right became louder.

The threat of punitive action DID NOT come out of nowhere. If you need help with understanding what the missing info is, Amy may have some time to help, but she is busy just like all of us. I suggest you reach out to her and find out where the gaps are. I’ve CC’d her on this for transparency.

After this email, I reached out to Amy and, guess what, I updated Azure AGAIN. Turns out I was supposed to be DENYING requests to fix things or change things without a task first... Why not just TELL ME THAT? Why threaten me? I've been an exemplary employee for almost 10 years with Jared as my boss or my supervisor's boss. There has NEVER been a need for threats, just ask me to do it. Guess what, I WILL! WTF MAN! Anyway, fast forward 10 days then this chat happens with my boss happens:

[8:51 AM] ME
I think we may need to rearrange Quest (a project that was coming due before I would have time to finish it). I have next week off and the design isn't final yet. Even if I were to start right now I don't think that's enough time to finish it by tomorrow. Would you like me to start on it and get as far as I can, or what?

[9:25 AM] Jared
Yea, going to have to start.... You're out all Convention week?

[9:26 AM] ME
yeah, I am out thru the 16th. I will start now and see how far I can get done.

[9:27 AM] Jared
Man, we're going to have to have a come to Jesus meeting. This seems to happen a lot

[9:28 AM] ME
We had talked about this time off in January, before we knew convention was going to be in person this year. Wife has a surgery scheduled, I would have changed it if I could have.

[9:29 AM] Jared
Yea, it just seems to happen all the time

[9:29 AM] Jared
then combined with the not coming in, etc. One might thing you're not invested

[9:30 AM] Jared
The situation is starting to look unappealing

[9:32 AM] Jared
Essentially, if we can't rely on people to be around when we need them, how does that benefit us>

[9:32 AM] Jared
Then I have people working from home acting like they have a bad deal

[9:32 AM] ME
How can you say that? I've invested 10 years with this company

[9:32 AM] Jared
thats some bullshit right there

[9:32 AM] ME
I've never shown anything but fully invested.

[9:32 AM] Jared
Cmon

[9:33 AM] Jared
This is part of the reason Travis didnt want to manage anymore
(I found out later from Travis that this was an exaggeration, he stated he)

[9:33 AM] ME
You act like I sprung this on you.. You approved this time off MONTHS ago.

[9:33 AM] Jared
he was tired of having to deal with crap that you left him. every Friday / Holiday, etc

[9:34 AM] Jared
And I am not a Front End manager, I don't need the extra work

[9:34 AM] ME
That is absolute news to me. I have never heard a single complaint about my work ethic or scheduling. Nor have I ever been written up about any issues.

[9:34 AM] Jared
I have Lance blowing shit up live right before Convention, and you not seeming interested in being here. I just dont need it

[9:35 AM] Jared
I don't see any volunteers when the shit gets thick...thats for sure

[9:36 AM] Jared
No one gets written up.....but there have been times......

[9:37 AM] Jared
Also, you've never heard about it because Travis just didnt want to rock the boat....but I am not Travis. I will flip the bitch over if I have to

[9:38 AM] Jared
People working from home have no idea how good they have it.....and they just want more and more, not being thankful for the situation they already have. I have no sympathy for you

[9:46 AM] Jared
Also you are also not answering/responding in a fashion to my liking. Do I need to cancel work from home to drive the message?

[9:47 AM] ME
I am working on quest right now and will get as much done as I can

[9:49 AM] Jared
I still don't think you understand where we are

[9:50 AM] Jared
I also don't understand why it takes so long to have a back and forth here. Is a call better to make this clearer?

[10:16 AM] Jared
Given the difficulty in reaching you, perhaps its better if you start working in office full time

After this chat, I spoke with my HR partner and basically said, "I have next week off, but I need to turn in my two weeks notice due to this hostile/toxic work environment." She asked me to hold off for a while, because she wanted to talk to some people involved. Later she said, "Jared and Paul really want to work this out". I just kept thinking... You can't "work out" disrespect, threats, and blatant disregard of another person. Especially after I've given 10 years of my life to this company, including countless weekends, late work nights that sometimes stretched to 3 or 4 in the morning. And for the last 5 years I should have been making similar wages to the national average, which I found out when I was job hunting that they were underpaying me $30,000/year. There's no amount of "work it out" that can fix that. He clearly woke up and chose violence. In the end they accepted my resignation, effective immediately, and paid out my remaining PTO of 121 hours.

Riddance.

I have known for several months that it was coming time to sell the RV. Did that make it easier to do? No. Did I want to? No. Was it the right decision? Perhaps. It's tough though, thinking back on all the fun times, the mishaps, the trials... it's hard. Letting go is hard. I know it's time, but that doesn't make it any easier at all. Somehow in my head, I think it should make it easier, but it doesn't. I am looking forward to day-camping; to being off-grid in a new and different way. I just wish it were easier to say goodbye.

Goodbye RV. You were loved. Thank you for all the fun times and curse you for all the stress you gave me. Dick. 

Still trying to figure out if we will sell the ATV or fix it, but either way it's sure to be stressful decision as well. That's the problem with owning things... you own things. Things that you have to take care of. Things that take up a portion of your mental capacity. The more things you own, the more things you have to think about. And while each thing is a tiny, perhaps insignificant, amount of stress many of those things together compile into a very heavy burden. A burden that you might not even realize is weighing on you. But then when a tiny part of that burden is gone if feels really good. And now, I fear that my addictive personality will just go about purging everything from my life. I say that as if I don't have any control over it. I do. It's just that I want that feeling to grow. I want to lessen my burdens until my mind is free of the stupid shit that I've been hoarding for so many years.

101

Life is really about perspective. If you're the type who is content with things, you win. That's all there is to it. The discontent are tortured, by themselves, forever. Yearning for the next high, the next destination, the next big thing. It's all too much.

My grandmother, on my father's side, is 101 years old. She is not doing well and will likely not survive the week. What started as a fall, bump on the head, and a bit of physical therapy has evolved into a hematoma, no eating, hospice, and family coming from far and wide to say goodbye. It's tough. Looming death is tough. There's no way around that but what's worse is my internal struggle that I don't feel a certain way about it.

I remember grandma cooking in the kitchen. I must have been 7 or so. She was preparing dinner, probably christmas or thanksgiving, or perhaps one of the few occasions that my father was helping out around the farm and the family stayed long enough to be hungry. She must have been in the kitchen for 3 or 4 hours by the time dinner finally came around. I remember the smells in the house. I remember the odd wallpaper and the shag carpet. I remember the old cookie tin where she kept the playing cards. I remember keeping busy but mostly avoiding being in the way. I didn't know any card games, nor did my 3 younger siblings, but we played with those cards like we did. Making up rules and getting mad at each other for cheating. But mostly, I remember her bustling around all day, preparing that meal that was over in a flash. Then I remember mom helping her with the cleaning while the men lounged and joked.

It's a memory that I never knew I would look back at fondly but here I am. Completely discontent with what I have and torturing myself over not having more. Over not BEING more. Over not being enough.

I don't recall a single time where I sat at a table with my grandparents and talked about their hopes and dreams, why they chose farming, what hobbies they enjoyed, or how they felt when, a decade after they were done having kids, she has to say the words "I'm pregnant" again. I never remember telling them about my hopes and dreams, career path, or hobbies I enjoy. Now, that's not to say that I haven't seen them a lot, or talked with them from time to time... but it is saying that I never really got to know them. And now, late stage memory loss, and sleeping most of the day away, its seems like the wrong time to prod my grandmother with questions about if she likes to knit or wanted more children.

It feels like I should be feeling a certain way right now. Like I should be sad. But truthfully, I'm not. I have coworkers that I don't really like but I know more about them than I do my own grandmother. My last living grandparent. I feel more shameful than sad. Shame for allowing all of these years to pass and not getting to know her. Shame for not really wanting to.

I do feel sad. Not for me, but for my father. Who is losing his mother after 78 years. He's never known this life without her and now, an old man himself, he will have to endure another staggering loss. It's heartbreaking. I want to hug him. I want to tell him it will get better. I want to help him thru this most difficult of times. I want to ease his heartache.

I cannot. I know. But I want to.

There are a handful of people that know me well. A couple really close friends and a few of my family. Most people just enjoy me because I make them laugh or I help them with computer problems. These are the kind of people I can't stand to be around. I'm not here to help you fix your printer or to get rid of the thousands of popups on your computer. I'm here because I've taken a genuine interest in your life and I want to share my life with you.

Why do I feel like I am missing out then? Why do I feel like I SHOULD have spent more time being interested in my grandparents? Why am I not sad to lose my oldest living relative? 

I don't know... perhaps I never will. For now, I will console those I love who feel this loss deeper than I do. I will try to make them smile and, if only for the briefest moment, give them a reprieve of the sorrow and sadness that shrowds their view. And I will try to be one of the content few, knowing that I have people to love and a few that love me back.