Sunday, October 31, 2004
This evening turned out to be a very interesting display of manliness. By that I mean the "shake-it-in-your-face" bar we went to, actually all 3. It started with a harmless enough, visit to the country club, hoping to partake of the splendor that is woman. NO. Denied. Not happening. Upon our arrival at the country club, we gazed upon many people seemingly enjoying their "break" from the day. Splendor? Not there. We moved on. He said, "where to next?" Well, the only other place that came to mind was a bar that recently reopened. Done, that's were we went. If Buddha would have seen what we saw there, he'd have taken the Lords name in vain. I promise you, it was THAT nasty! EW (quiver) Things that make you go, Bla-a-a-a-ah. She had to been, 210 or 230, in a, well you know. She looked like a German Shepard with tight rubber bands on. (even the thought, still makes me shudder). We had ordered drinks when we first got there, and left them on the table with two sips taken from each. We left in a bit of a hurry. So, off to bar number 3. At first glance, things looked very promising. Oh yeah, I was wrong, but we'll get to that later. I saw the most enchanting display of beauty, gracefully providing images for later cognition. We were appalled. We, not so gracefully, stumbled to our seats, and ordered drinks. Two more pepsi's (yeah, we're heavy drinkers). And settled in. After several minutes of pure adulterous bliss, someone got on stage that made my eyes do evasive maneuvers. We quickly gathered our thoughts and exited to the pool tables. While playing, the object of his affection, (in play) grabbed his man parts from behind while he was trying to shoot. Pool that is, he was trying to shoot pool, as it was his turn. He miss-aimed his shot, duh, and completely blew it. (I know, don't laugh, it was intentional). I must say that he did maintain his composure very well. I was ROTFLMMFAO!! (I love acronyms). K, needless to say, pool did not go well after that. We copesetically made our way back to our table and reclaimed our seats. A time went by and all was well, then, dun dun dun.... IT slithered onto the stage.... a beastly overweight ghastly creature. That in and of itself I could have dealt with, but there is more. It looks an awful lot like my ex-friends mother. In fact, I am not so certain that it wasn't (shudder). It looked to be about 40 or 45. Something similar to a blood hound in a pair of spandex. Yeah, it was that nasty. When it moved off stage, Autumn, with long beautiful legs that went straight to heaven, came on. Stage that is, came on the stage (that still sounds bad). Once the blood hound was out of my immediate memory, we were able to leave. Yeah, that was at 12:30 and now, it is time for bed. Piece, out.
Blogger templates - noipo.org
Blogger templates - noipo.org Check this out... the place I got my template for my blog... yup. they have me listed... ME! How fkn pimp am i now?!?! Who's your daddy?!
OUT
Save The Whales....
Whales are starving throughout the world this year as an unprecidented drop in molecule W4L (whale-for-life) is continuing. This has caused an average weight loss of 3-5 pounds per whale! To ensure the longevity of Whale, we feel that something needs to be done. ENTER - Quench-o-Whale. The latest from Whale Prod Inc. When you can't seem to quench the whale, Quench-o-Whale is for you! Ready made meals for the lazy bitch-whale.
Quench-o-Whale comes in two all inclusive meals which include:
18lbs - Whale Casserole (w special whale sauce)
42 - Sour Dough Whale (Whale Rolls)
86 - Whalenuts (similar to doughnuts)
and a tasty 5 gal bucket of Chardoney-de-Whale
-or-
18lbs - Whale-o-Roni (w special whale sauce)
42 - Wheat Whale (Whale Rolls)
86 - Whalenuts
and again, a 5 gal bucket of Chardoney-de-Whale
Serving Suggestion - DO NOT HEAT. Serve straight out of the fridge or freezer for quickest access to food. Serving size 1 per whale. Servings per container 1. Containers may need to be forklifted to your residence call 1-800-FAT FUCK to order today! Call and order in the next ten minutes and recieve your FREE, that's right FREE, gift pack. Includes one mini Quench-o-Whale (32 pounds) and one regular Quench-o-Whale (86 pounds). Also available in extra large. Whale Prod Inc. does not condone nor support the feeding of Whales. There is no warranty express or implied. Results will vary depending on the fat fuck your feeding. Please use extreme caution when feeding any whale and please stand 2 to 3 miles from any feeding ground, as you may get caught in the current once feeding begins.
Best of luck. Help us, Help you, SAVE THE WHALES!
OMG :'(
I need that ONE thing..... Let me explain, I just read my good friends blog and it had this post put in this morning at about 2 am.
"Do you ever feel like there's absolutely nothing in your life but one thing. One thing to look forward to or one thing that you can depend on to always be there or one thing that you know will be at home when you get off work to hold you and tell you that you're loved and that everything doesn't suck anymore. Well, here's the thing. I think my sweetie is going through such a time. This post is for her.I went through a time such as this. I feel like I still am sometimes, but that's only because you're gone. My one thing to look forward to is you coming home. Seeing you again. And somewhere down the line, finally being married to you. Those things all keep me going, no matter what's troubling me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being tossed around like a baseball, just going from one place to another, no real reason. Though I always come back to one thing. I have you, and even with everything else, that's all that matters. I don't have to care about my next paycheck, I don't have to care about my car dying, I don't have to care about jury duty, I don't have to care about the speeding ticket I got last year, and I don't have to care about what anyone thinks of me. All I have to care about is you. And I have to because I want to. And I want to because I love you.You're the thing in my life that I always look forward to. You're the only person who has ever been that way for me, and you're the only person I want to be that way for me. You're the oasis on the horizon in the desert of life. You're what keeps me moving and striving to be better. You're the north star that guides my ship to safety when all other guiding lights have been extinguished. When work is too rough or when people are mean, all I have to do is talk to you or be with you and that all goes away. You make my life better. And you will fulfill my eternity.For you my love, I would give my life. And I will give all I have for your love."
Do you ever feel like you DON'T have that one thing? Like all you do is go around and around with no rhyme or reason to the entire fkn mess? Like you could NOT be here tomorrow and no one would know or care. How many people would REALLY miss you? I mean REALLY miss you if you were gone? Find your one thing. Again, I need that ONE thing!!
Sick? Again? Helz No!
It's almost 6 am, and I've been up since about 2 or 3. I was sleeping, not very well, but I was. Got to bed about 10 after kickin BooBoo's ass at pool. I woke up with severe neck pain and took 2400 mg of profin. I feel better now. Not tired tho. Had some pizza and some real apple juice, it was yummy! Now, just waiting to get my tired on, so I can sleep some more.
I cannot believe that it has been 6 days since I worked.... It feels like it's been 2 days, I smell like it's been 9, and look like it's been 12. I have done alot of sittin around... and am back into chatting, here and there. It has been nice! I have 2 weeks from tomorrow til impending doom once again will come upon me. It will be nice tho, to be back at a place with very little stress. I didn't realize that a job could put that much stress on me. Correct me if I'm wrong here, I think I am less of an "asshole" when I am not working. Am I onto something here, or does anyone else see that?BTW, what do you think of the picture? I like pics that make you really look. Some you can glance at and pretty much see everything in the picture, but ones that make you look, seem to last longer in your memory. Anywho..... I'm gonna do something else now, I'm bored.
Day 1 Closes.
My first day being "Jobless" and I have another already lined up... I decided that I want to take a couple days off so, I told them I would start on the first of Nov. :)) Big smiles for me! That gives me 11 more days off and complete bliss to be had. I invited an old friend over, and we watched 'The Day After Tomorrow' an awesome movie! Wow! You should really watch that, if you haven't already. I also spent some time with GT5000's grandma and had lunch at this place called Russo's. In a word, DELECTABLE! OMG! Talk about good home cooked food! Thanks GT5000 for taking me to experience that!
Question of the day...
If you spin an oriental man in a circle, really fast, does he become disoriented?
Just curious. Consider this tho, maybe everyone is "gifted" and some just open the package a little early. Just one more, If a man is standing in the middle of the forest, speaking, and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong?
I'm going out of my mind.... I'll be back in 5.
STRESS relief Monday
awww, yeahhhhh.... (with the self-righteous tingle that runs down your back) I am relieved of much stress.... yup. I quit my job. oooohhhh yeah. quit. Told my boss, "I'm no good at this game, I fold. Here's my badge." It was good. I am so relaxed right now, it's making me tired. I don't wanna play that game EVER again. I'm back onto bloggin and chattin. I realized that I haven't been on to a chat room for MONTHS! it is good. Now, I just need to get laid, and all will be well in the world as lived by Lil JSM.
To all my friends at Qwest: I have not forgotten about you, I love you all and trust me, you will get over your loss. I don't envy anyone, feel free to call me tho, or email liljsm@liljsm.com I will always have a special place in my little toe for my ex-co-workers. :)
Change is Constant...
I updated my blog to reflect some more recent changes in my attitude. You may notice things are a little brighter. I also added a feature that will allow a user (like yourself) to email my posts to friends... (this may go away soon, but we'll try it for now). Hope you like
Good Times, Bad Times, Gimme some o' that
I've just finished 45 DVD's for a friends grandfathers memorial, and while in the middle of it my good friend GT5000 (fake name) comes up with this BRILLIANT idea to do the same for my dear old mother. Create a DVD, that is. Not put her in the ground! (ahh, I know what your thinking, see) So, off we go into the great unknown, aka the garage of DOOM, in search of pictures to put in the album. We found TONS of em, many of people I have never met. We came across this one picture of my great-great-grandma (per the inscription on the back). So I quickly flipped over the photo to see what she looked like, right? WRONG! She had a full on beard! I'm not talking a little fu-man-chu, nope, a FULL ON BEARD! Had ta been, oh, 5 or 6 inches long... No mustache, no extra hair.... just the chin beard. I fell over laughing as did GT5000. I would have NEVER expected my own flesh and blood to be THE BEARDED WOMAN OF DOOM! OMG! So, just in reminiscing, I threw together this drawing of what I remember her looking like.....
Yeah... SCARY HUH?!?!?!
Upon further investigation tho.... It turns out that there were 4 pictures stuck together... "The bearded woman" was really my great-great-grandpa. My grandma didn't have such a beard. Too bad too, cuz, I was just starting to accept it as normal. Hmm, weird. Get this tho, when I told my mother what GT5000 and I came across, she FREAKED! Like, "what the hell are you doing going thru my stuff?" All pissed off like. Well, what do you say to that... I panicked... "I didn't think you would mind" That was a fuckin stupid thing to say, as she proceeded to FREAK! Even tho I got my ass chewed for entering the FORBIDDEN Garage of DOOM! Plans are still go for the album.
Oh, and by the way.... GT5000, THANKS a shitload for getting me in trouble. I can't be friends with you anymore.... Momma says your a bad influence on me.
"I knew that if I put something in my mouth you would come...."
"I knew that if I put something in my mouth you would come...."
A CUSTOMER said that to me when I snswered the phone, "Thank you for calling Qwast, this is...." I about shit myself , It was SOO FKN FUNNY! She had no Idea what I was laughing about, she is an older woman and prolly didn't even catch on.... but still funny! Funny thing is that I knew that would happen too. hmm wierd
Worthiness....
How does one determine ones worth? Most everyone I have met would probably say one of two things, either; you are measured by your possesions, or you are measured by your relationships and the people you have changed for the better. I have my own philosophy regarding worth. I believe that you are measured only by yourself, and if you truly believe that the inner you is honest, caring, benevolent, and true, you name your own price. With that said, almost 6 years ago I had my first child, I was truly the best I have ever seen myself. Granted, I was married to a self-loathing whale, and working a dead end job (and knew it). I would have calculated my worth at $234,814.00. An odd number, I know, let me explain, I figure $10,000 for each of my 20 years, $50,000 for my unborn child that I knew I would love and cherish for the rest of my life, and $5,000 for each of my awesome siblings. Of course you would have to subtract $65,000 because I was married to the unbridled eating machine, and $1,836 for the dead end job ($4.04 per day). With a worth of just over $2.3 Million, I felt like I could do anything.
Today, same figures, different senario. $10,000 for each of my 26 years, $50,000 per 3 children that I have, $5,000 for each of my awesome siblings. And subtracting $65,000 for marriage to the fat packer and another $200,000 for the divorce, $8,856 for the dead end jobs... net worth, 12 cents. Try getting laid with a net worth of TWELVE FKN CENTS! Okay, I'll admit that the math is a little fkd up, but you see where I'm coming from.... I feel like shit right now. I can't seem to do my job right, I can't seem to parent effectively (although I have three wonderful children) I'm not a good investment, son, friend, or coworker. I really cannot seem to give a shit about much of anything the last 2 years. It seems that the harder I try, the worse it gets. The more effort I put in, the more I get fkd. The more money I make the more that gets taken one way or another. WHAT IS THE FKN POINT?! I don't get it. I DON'T FKN GET IT!
It seems that everything I hear and see is negative, I hear about my friends "bad" relationships and the fighting (FUK U! I wish I had someone to fight for or with) I get shit at work, you suck, your company sucks (believe me, my pride is FKN SOARING). TV, Radio: Bad, Bad. Maybe I should just accept it and move on, but anyone that knows me, knows that I CAN'T! I have to bitch about it.
It may seem that I am feeling sorry for myself, because I AM! If you were to talk to me 6 years ago, I am not the same person I was, much changed for the better, much more changed for the worse. My life seems to continue on this downhill track (no, not a train track, a go-cart track) and I can't get any ground. My pedals are broken, I cannot fly, and I'm sure the fuck not walkin back up this fkn hill. I need a car and a life that I can be enthused about. Maybe that's it, I have no enthusiasm. My lust for life has derailed. I've blown the cork off the champange of life and it's all fkn flat now. No one likes flat champange.
FK, I need to quit this shit and move the fk on.
Show Me The Funny!
This blog is my tribute to Five things FKN Hillarious!
Case and Point... The Number ONE, Numero Uno, King Shit, The Dali Llama of Funny
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Feel like an ass yet???
Numero Dos
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour,
crawled painfully on a stool, and ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No", he replied, "It's just arthritis".
Numero Tres
A rooster and a cat are walking over water on a bridge. The cat
slips and falls down into the water. The rooster starts laughing
hysterically. What's the moral of this story?
Wherever there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock
Numero Quatro
This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100
dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist asks, "Why
the hell?"
The guy replies that he likes to play with his money, likes to
watch his money grow and best of all, his wife can blow a 100
bucks without leaving the house.
Numero Cinco
A woman goes to her doctor for a follow up visit after the
doctor had prescribed testostorone (a male hormone) for her. She
is a little worried about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped,
but I'm afraid your giving me too much. I am starting to grow
hair in places I have never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of testosterone. Just where is the hair
appearing?"
The woman replies, "On my BALLS!"
More Hillarity to be found at FUNNY.com
Before you go... check out this REDNECK RIDING LAWN MOWER!
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