Why is it that I must sit and do nothing? There is a greater purpose suppose to be happening and I have to sit and do absolutely nothing about it. I'll tell you why, and to be blunt about it, it fucking pisses me off, I chose to obey the one I love. I chose to follow her wishes and say nothing about it. Even tho she has told me several times that she is self-consience about her appearance, and I can see it in the way she responds, she would rather I not concern myself with it. I cannot help it, I am the way I am, and I CHOOSE to worry about other people. Sue me. I'm guilty as charged. It doesn' t change a damn thing tho. I want to worry about others, I choose not to worry about myself, especially when it comes to things like this. I want her to be in a position that she wants to be in. Appearantly tho, it's not for me to worry about. I have serious concerns about it, and I strongly believe that if you truly want to change who you are, what you look like, how you think, or what you will become, you have to be very proactive in making those changes. Why is it that she seems to turn a blind eye? And why must I ask stupid fucking questions like that when I damn well know the answer. Laziness. It is much easier to give up and give in to what your body or mind tells you it wants, than to have the will power to stand up to yourself and force yourself to better habits.
I'm not much one to talk because I know better than anyone that habits are a very hard thing to break. I sometimes have to wonder if there is a stronger 'survival instinct' that makes us think about the bad things we do to our bodies. God knows I have spent years changing belief structures and re-arranging habits to make myself a better person. God also knows that she has done the same. She is a much better person that she was even 2 years ago. She HAS changed and I know that she wanted that change more than anything. I want this change for her more than anything.
I make this promise, if she were to change that habit... and become the person that she is inside, I will quit smoking. I have smoked more than half my life, and I know she has been like this more than half hers as well. It is a huge change for her, and I realize that better than anyone, it would be a huge change for me as well.
I only want for her what she wants for herself, but lacks the fortitude to make happen. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it change without any effort, but it seems my wand is in the shop.
How can you tell someone, "I love you more than anything in the whole wide world, and I want you to be the best and happiest that you can be."? How do you say that without sounding like a fucking retard? Or worse, sounding nagging?
I am preachy by nature, I come by it honestly from generations of preachers (that is, life's preachers, not Gods). My mother is a preacher, my mother's mother is a preacher, the list continues for days. I make concerted efforts not to be that way but sometimes it just happens. Life happens. Give a shit or not, it makes no difference, life moves on like chain mail. There is no stopping life, love, or the pursuit of happiness. Except for laziness. Laziness can stop all things for one person (and those who love that person). Eventually, your life will become a waste, your love will dicipate and your pursuit of happiness becomes bored and loathsome in the journey. It's a self-defeating spiral of epic proportions. But it can change. You can change. I can change. The cycle can be broken. It has been proven.
Why would she ask me not to worry about her. To me loving someone is being concerned for them. An excellent quote I once saw is "Love is an attitude that says, 'I choose to look out for your interest, how may I help you'." Love is worrying about someone. Love is giving them room to make the choice they want to but also allowing them the opportunity to step back and say, "Hey, it may not be worth it." Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Damn it, I can't seem to get away from the questions tonight. So many unanswered thoughts spiral thru my brain. Thoughts that are without purpose unless they are heard. This is my solumn plea, "Choose to look out for your best interest, so I can trust the one I love in the hands of the one I love." What's worry worth if you cannot trust the one you love to do what is best for themselves? Oye, another question. I think at this point all I have is questions that will never be answered, never be given the time of day. I have so many things that I want to get out and it seems that every fucking time I try I get nowhere. I might as well beat my fucking head on a brick fucking wall. FUCK! I am tired of wasting the energy and breath, and damnit my head hurts. I must retire to bed, for on the dawn new trials await.
I'm not much one to talk because I know better than anyone that habits are a very hard thing to break. I sometimes have to wonder if there is a stronger 'survival instinct' that makes us think about the bad things we do to our bodies. God knows I have spent years changing belief structures and re-arranging habits to make myself a better person. God also knows that she has done the same. She is a much better person that she was even 2 years ago. She HAS changed and I know that she wanted that change more than anything. I want this change for her more than anything.
I make this promise, if she were to change that habit... and become the person that she is inside, I will quit smoking. I have smoked more than half my life, and I know she has been like this more than half hers as well. It is a huge change for her, and I realize that better than anyone, it would be a huge change for me as well.
I only want for her what she wants for herself, but lacks the fortitude to make happen. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it change without any effort, but it seems my wand is in the shop.
How can you tell someone, "I love you more than anything in the whole wide world, and I want you to be the best and happiest that you can be."? How do you say that without sounding like a fucking retard? Or worse, sounding nagging?
I am preachy by nature, I come by it honestly from generations of preachers (that is, life's preachers, not Gods). My mother is a preacher, my mother's mother is a preacher, the list continues for days. I make concerted efforts not to be that way but sometimes it just happens. Life happens. Give a shit or not, it makes no difference, life moves on like chain mail. There is no stopping life, love, or the pursuit of happiness. Except for laziness. Laziness can stop all things for one person (and those who love that person). Eventually, your life will become a waste, your love will dicipate and your pursuit of happiness becomes bored and loathsome in the journey. It's a self-defeating spiral of epic proportions. But it can change. You can change. I can change. The cycle can be broken. It has been proven.
Why would she ask me not to worry about her. To me loving someone is being concerned for them. An excellent quote I once saw is "Love is an attitude that says, 'I choose to look out for your interest, how may I help you'." Love is worrying about someone. Love is giving them room to make the choice they want to but also allowing them the opportunity to step back and say, "Hey, it may not be worth it." Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Damn it, I can't seem to get away from the questions tonight. So many unanswered thoughts spiral thru my brain. Thoughts that are without purpose unless they are heard. This is my solumn plea, "Choose to look out for your best interest, so I can trust the one I love in the hands of the one I love." What's worry worth if you cannot trust the one you love to do what is best for themselves? Oye, another question. I think at this point all I have is questions that will never be answered, never be given the time of day. I have so many things that I want to get out and it seems that every fucking time I try I get nowhere. I might as well beat my fucking head on a brick fucking wall. FUCK! I am tired of wasting the energy and breath, and damnit my head hurts. I must retire to bed, for on the dawn new trials await.
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