Here is a pic of the squirrel that I have at work... It's Friday and appearantly he knows it. Fkn Slacker!
Friday, July 28, 2006
BONES!!!
Here is a pic of the squirrel that I have at work... It's Friday and appearantly he knows it. Fkn Slacker!
Do You Risk Enough???
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.
William Arthur Ward, To Risk
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.
William Arthur Ward, To Risk
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
King of the Hill
Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as The Beast.
Are These People For Real??
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution...
They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk..
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too
They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk..
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too
Thursday, July 20, 2006
FREAKIN RETARD! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Idiots in the office are just as hazardous to your health as cigarettes, caffeine or greasy food, an eye-opening new study reveals.
In fact, those dopes can kill you! Stress is one of the top causes of heart attacks - and working with stupid people on a daily basis is one of the deadliest forms of stress, according to researchers at Sweden's Lindbergh University Medical Centre.
The author of the study, Dr. Dagmar Andersson, says her team studied 500 heart attack patients, and were puzzled to find 62% had relatively few of the physical risk factors commonly blamed for heart attacks.
"Then we questioned them about lifestyle habits, and almost all of these low-risk patients told us they worked with people so stupid they can barely find their way from the parking lot to their office. And their heart attack came less than 12 hours after having a major confrontation with one of the oafs.
"One woman had to be rushed to the hospital after her assistant shredded important company tax documents instead of copying them. A man told us he collapsed right at his desk because the woman at the next cubicle kept asking him for correction fluid - for her computer monitor.
"You can cut back on smoking or improve your diet," Dr. Andersson says, "but most people have very poor coping skills when it comes to stupidity - they feel there's nothing they can do about it, so they just internalize their frustration until they finally explode."
Stupid co-workers can also double or triple someone's workload, she explains. "Many of our subjects feel sorry for the drooling idiots they work with, so they try to cover for them by fixing their mistakes. One poor woman spent a week rebuilding client records because a clerk put them all in the 'recycle bin' of her computer and then emptied it - she thought it meant the records would be recycled and used again."
In fact, those dopes can kill you! Stress is one of the top causes of heart attacks - and working with stupid people on a daily basis is one of the deadliest forms of stress, according to researchers at Sweden's Lindbergh University Medical Centre.
The author of the study, Dr. Dagmar Andersson, says her team studied 500 heart attack patients, and were puzzled to find 62% had relatively few of the physical risk factors commonly blamed for heart attacks.
"Then we questioned them about lifestyle habits, and almost all of these low-risk patients told us they worked with people so stupid they can barely find their way from the parking lot to their office. And their heart attack came less than 12 hours after having a major confrontation with one of the oafs.
"One woman had to be rushed to the hospital after her assistant shredded important company tax documents instead of copying them. A man told us he collapsed right at his desk because the woman at the next cubicle kept asking him for correction fluid - for her computer monitor.
"You can cut back on smoking or improve your diet," Dr. Andersson says, "but most people have very poor coping skills when it comes to stupidity - they feel there's nothing they can do about it, so they just internalize their frustration until they finally explode."
Stupid co-workers can also double or triple someone's workload, she explains. "Many of our subjects feel sorry for the drooling idiots they work with, so they try to cover for them by fixing their mistakes. One poor woman spent a week rebuilding client records because a clerk put them all in the 'recycle bin' of her computer and then emptied it - she thought it meant the records would be recycled and used again."
The Real Thing...
The Real Thing by Bo Bice
Verse 1
every word I say I mean it
every single day I feel it
but sometimes when you talk
its obvious you want to show it
so don't blow it
Chorus:
tell me what we got tell me its alot tell me its the real thing
tell me not to change and always be the same tell me that's a good
thing, it's a good thing
tell me not to lie tell me not to wait tell me that you want the same
things as me
tell me that it's fate, driving me insane tell me its the real thing
that keeps me hanging on
Verse 2
I can read the signs between us
I feel it inside when you come nearer
there's a stillness in the air
like no one else is there
and every moment stands in the moment, yeah
Chorus:
tell me what we got tell me its alot tell me its the real thing
tell me not to change and always be the same tell me that's a good
thing, it's a good thing
tell me not to lie tell me not to wait tell me that you want the same
things as me
tell me that it's fate, driving me insane tell me its the real thing
that keeps me hanging on
Verse3
sometimes it hurts to watch you leave
it feels like you take a part of me with you
I never know how it'll be
I guess its just a mystery
or is it the real thing (that keeps me hangin' on)
Chorus x2:
tell me what we got tell me its alot tell me its the real thing
tell me not to change and always be the same tell me that's a good
thing, it's a good thing
tell me not to lie tell me not to wait tell me that you want the same
things as me
tell me that it's fate driving me insane tell me its the real thing
that keeps me hanging
Verse 1
every word I say I mean it
every single day I feel it
but sometimes when you talk
its obvious you want to show it
so don't blow it
Chorus:
tell me what we got tell me its alot tell me its the real thing
tell me not to change and always be the same tell me that's a good
thing, it's a good thing
tell me not to lie tell me not to wait tell me that you want the same
things as me
tell me that it's fate, driving me insane tell me its the real thing
that keeps me hanging on
Verse 2
I can read the signs between us
I feel it inside when you come nearer
there's a stillness in the air
like no one else is there
and every moment stands in the moment, yeah
Chorus:
tell me what we got tell me its alot tell me its the real thing
tell me not to change and always be the same tell me that's a good
thing, it's a good thing
tell me not to lie tell me not to wait tell me that you want the same
things as me
tell me that it's fate, driving me insane tell me its the real thing
that keeps me hanging on
Verse3
sometimes it hurts to watch you leave
it feels like you take a part of me with you
I never know how it'll be
I guess its just a mystery
or is it the real thing (that keeps me hangin' on)
Chorus x2:
tell me what we got tell me its alot tell me its the real thing
tell me not to change and always be the same tell me that's a good
thing, it's a good thing
tell me not to lie tell me not to wait tell me that you want the same
things as me
tell me that it's fate driving me insane tell me its the real thing
that keeps me hanging
Monday, July 10, 2006
The FHC!
Intro: A conversation between me and a buddy of mine. Read on. It is FUNNY!
For some reason when she is talking I can't think of anything to say and then when I do and try to say it she just keeps talking and does not give the chance to say what I want to say and then she says that it is rude for me to interrupt.
Join the Frustrated Husbands Club, I'm the president!
Am I the first member of the club?
They don't want to be interrupted but they like to interrupt you when you talk. I take a breath and she thinks that I am done.
LOL… you’re the second member! I’ll send you an invoice for the membership fees… just make the check to me. LMAO
Ya gotta learn not to take a breath when you're talking to her… JUST KEEP TALKIN! LOL
I do keep talking in my mind but my lungs don't hold that much air. I need to take an oxygen tank home tonight and surgically put into my lungs so that I have a constant flow of air
LMMFAO!!! When you figure that out… let me know, I’ll order one too!
LMMFAO, take a dull knife, preferable a spoon and just dig into your side until you reach your lungs then take a ballpoint straw and shove it into the lung. Then take some 1/4" rope and close the hole where the spoon went.
Question, Doctor… Is it recommended to have surgical experience when handling a sharp spoon?
Not in this situation, the pain from the wife is worse than this. Just make sure you don't hit the kidney or the spleen when you are digging in. If you are really concerned about it, the wife knows how to handle sharp objects (words) against you. Just ask her for help.
Friday, July 07, 2006
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT IT'S BEST!
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Why?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese
motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is brought to you by a half-Jap, using Bill Gates' technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a
Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by
Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexican illegals.
That, my friends, is Globalization
Count ME!
Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted.
Albert Einstein