1. Men Need Women, and This Need Gives Women Huge Influence. Dr. Laura
states the point as follows: "[M]en are simple creatures who come from a
woman, are nurtured and brought up by a woman, and yearn for the
continued love, admiration, and approval from a woman." Women have great
power and influence over men, and wives in particular have tremendous
power over their husbands. How they use this power essentially controls
the relationship, because women are the masters of most relationships
and marriages. That's why Dr. Laura says that she probably won't write
The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives: wives already have most of the
power and their marriages depend, for the most part, on them.
2. Women Err in Favoring Children Over Husband. A friend once told this
writer that once a woman has children, her husband is relegated to the
moral equivalence of a piece of furniture. How sad if this is true in
many marriages. Here's how Dr. Laura puts it: "Once wives became
mothers, they had no time to be wives. The men would even compliment
their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over
not being shown love, affection, or sexual interest. The typical reply
from a wife challenged with this was 'I only have time to take care of
one person, and our child is that person. I'm just too tired for you.'
This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling
competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so
much."
3. Men and Women Are Different. That men and women are deeply different
ought not to be notable, but for the fact that it is so often challenged
today. Dr. Laura says that society tries to make both men and women
"unisex." But men are happiest being men, and women are happiest being
women, with few exceptions. The differences start to manifest themselves
very early. In one study Dr. Laura mentions, a barrier was placed
between 1 year-old babies and their mothers. What did the little boys
do? They attempted to get around the barrier or knock it down. The
little girls? They cried until their mothers' picked them up. Men tend
to respond to things physically, women verbally. In fact, the two sexes
are just right for each other.
4. Not Every Thought and Feeling Needs to be Said. Women tend to be so
verbal, so expressive, that they can tire out men easily unless they
exercise some restraint. Dr. Laura reports that wives generally
overwhelm their husbands with communication. "Husbands imagine (so
foolishly) that their wives are telling them something they actually
need to know because they're supposed to do something about it.
Otherwise, men can't imagine why the 'communication' is happening at
all. It confuses them, frustrates them, and their response is to turn
off. That's when they unfairly become labeled insensitive." Husbands and
fiances are not girlfriends or psychologists, and women who want
attention should adjust their communication style accordingly when
speaking with them.
5. Men Are Not Mind-Readers. Most men are not very intuitive compared to
most women. Many women "get caught up in the absurdly romanticized
notion that 'if he loved me, he'd just know what I'm thinking, what I'd
like, what he should say.'" If a woman wants her man to do something,
she should just ask him plainly, without nagging, and show appreciation
when he does it. To act otherwise, as many women do, shows arrogance and
lack of respect for the husband's difference, and it leads to
unhappiness in the marriage and in the family.
6. Man Is an Embodied Soul. No, Dr. Laura didn't put it that way;
"embodied soul" is a Catholic concept. But that concept is what
underlies her discussion of how important it is to a man that his wife
try to keep up her appearance. What does it mean that we are embodied
souls? It means that our bodies are integral parts of who we are. We are
not just souls. Our bodies are not like clothing that we can take on or
off. There was no time during which we had only souls and not bodies,
and in eternity as well we will have bodies. It is through our bodies,
in fact, that we communicate to our loved ones and to the rest of the
world. One thinks of the beautiful line from the old Anglican marriage
rite: bride and groom pledge to each other "with my body I thee
worship." It is ironic, but in many cases men--sex-crazed pigs in the
minds of many women--actually have a truer understanding of the beauty
of the body and the meaning of the marital embrace than their wives do.
"Objectification" may come as much or more from the woman's side as from
the husband's if the woman sees her own body as being separate from
rather than an integral part of herself. Dr. Laura writes: "In reading
all the letters from men, I was struck by their depth of sensitivity
about the issue of women's appearance. It wasn't an impersonal, animal
reaction (as it is with women the men don't personally know), it was a
deeply personal one. The wife's comfort with and appreciation of her own
body and femininity, and her willingness to share that with her husband,
actually fed his sense of well-being, his feeling of being loved as a
husband and valued as a 'man.'"
7. Infidelity by Omission. Brides and grooms make a number of vows, not
only of sexual fidelity. Marital vows include and imply words like love,
honor, protect, and care for. "[W]hen one breaches those vows by
neglect, is that also not a form of infidelity? Perhaps we should start
looking at the act of intentionally depriving a spouse of legitimate
needs as infidelity, too, because it stems from being unfaithful to the
intent of the vows."
8. In the Bedroom. To her credit, Dr. Laura gives due place to the
importance for marriage of the marital act: "The bedroom is the
foundation of marriage and family." St. Josemaria Escriva, founder of
Opus Dei, that supposedly conservative institution within the Church,
put it this way: "The marriage bed is an altar." Enough said?
9. Women Should Appreciate Men's Masculinity. Dr. Laura relates a trip
she made recently to a swimming pool. A mom and a dad were wading with
their infant child. Mom held the child against her chest, cooed to him,
and swooped him up and down. She passed the baby to dad. He turned the
baby's face outward and swooshed him forward and up into the air. "Mom
equals protection and nurturance. Dad equals autonomy and adventure. It
is the perfect balance that helps produce a functional, secure human
being." Too many women, though, act like Alice Kramdens, constantly
belittling their husbands, shooting down their aspirations, treating
them like children. Dr. Laura writes: "When a wife treats her man like
he's one of her children, when she puts him down or thwarts his need for
autonomy, adventure, risk, competition, challenge, and conquest, she
ends up with a sullen, uncooperative, unloving, hostile lump."
10. Thou Shalt Not Covet. Dr. Laura contributes a novel (to this writer)
and insightful contemporary application of the commandment, "thou shall
not covet." Specifically, she understands it as a rebuke to people who
want it all, especially feminists. "Perhaps the feminist notions about
women having power if they do it all has obstructed too many women's
ability to realize that in real life we all make choices, and that the
true joy and meaning of life is not in how many things we have or do,
but in the sacrifice and commitment we make to others within the context
of the choices we've made. The Tenth Commandment, about coveting,
reminds us that none of us can have everything there is nor everything
we want. Without enjoying and appreciating our gifts and blessings, we
create a hell on earth for ourselves and for those who love us."
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