I always find it amazing when you're going along at top speed and you suddenly hit a huge brick fuckin wall and stop to take a look around... inevitably there is your saving grace... the one thing that you need. The one thing that will bring you full circle and offer a hand to help you over the wall. I have always stood by my perceptions of things because they have served me well. What happens when your perceptions get off track? I have always trusted my inner voice, always. I haven't always listened but I knew and still know that it knows what the correct choice is. Even thru the ignorance and intolerance I have always tried to do what I believe is right. Two days after finding out about the wedding, I almost called it off. It was too much and it didn't feel right, not only was it completely against what I had planned, but the timing was terrible. I was about two words from shutting down the whole thing, then someone said to me "it's just cold feet, it happens to everyone" and I thought, "well, if that's the case... what's the worst that could happen?"
I fear the answer. Even as I sit here... solemnly debating my perception of recent events, I'm afraid of what I will discover if I continue to dig.
Reflecting on lessons learned from previous relationships, I promised myself that I would NEVER tolerate being lied to and never lie to another. Open and honest - regardless of the cost. If you consider omission of the truth as lying, then I was lied to... for 2 months. I feel like my heart has been seared with a hot poker and is now being thrust into the depths of my soul. While I laid there last night, struggling with the possibility that she lied to me, it became increasingly difficult to even focus. My promise was playing thru my head, over and over. MY promise... to myself. I will Never tolerate being lied to. I know why she lied to me... but lying is lying. Even if you are lying to spare someone's feelings, lying is lying and I promised myself I would never tolerate being lied to.
With that said, why am I so reluctant to just move on? Why can I not follow thru with my own promise? I know that this wasn't the first time, it never is. And probably not the last, behavior has a tendency to repeat itself. So I feel like I'm just allowing and possibly even promoting the behavior if I stay. Would it be plausible that she understands how upset this has made me? And if that is the case, would it also be plausible that I could trust her to never lie to me again? These are questions that only she can answer I guess. I have no more to say.
I fear the answer. Even as I sit here... solemnly debating my perception of recent events, I'm afraid of what I will discover if I continue to dig.
Reflecting on lessons learned from previous relationships, I promised myself that I would NEVER tolerate being lied to and never lie to another. Open and honest - regardless of the cost. If you consider omission of the truth as lying, then I was lied to... for 2 months. I feel like my heart has been seared with a hot poker and is now being thrust into the depths of my soul. While I laid there last night, struggling with the possibility that she lied to me, it became increasingly difficult to even focus. My promise was playing thru my head, over and over. MY promise... to myself. I will Never tolerate being lied to. I know why she lied to me... but lying is lying. Even if you are lying to spare someone's feelings, lying is lying and I promised myself I would never tolerate being lied to.
With that said, why am I so reluctant to just move on? Why can I not follow thru with my own promise? I know that this wasn't the first time, it never is. And probably not the last, behavior has a tendency to repeat itself. So I feel like I'm just allowing and possibly even promoting the behavior if I stay. Would it be plausible that she understands how upset this has made me? And if that is the case, would it also be plausible that I could trust her to never lie to me again? These are questions that only she can answer I guess. I have no more to say.
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