Standard Disclaimer

Safe and effective when used as directed. Subject to change without
notice. Colors may, in time, fade. Simulated picture. This has been
formatted to fit your screen. For temporary relief of minor aches and
pains. May be too intense for some viewers. Sanitized for your
protection. Brief nudity. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of
Agreement. Do not use if seal is broken. No user-serviceable parts
inside. List was current at time of printing. Not responsible for
typographical or printers errors. This license is effective until
terminated. In case of overdose, seek professional assistance. Keep
cool; process promptly. Apply only to affected area. Penalty for private
use. Do not turn upside down. Do not submerge. Do not swallow. Do not
put in eyes. Opening package will void warranty. No animals were harmed
during testing. This product not tested on humans, animals, or
in-breeders. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Keep
out of the reach of children. Contains a substantial amount of
non-tobacco ingredients. Failure to sign and return this form results in
disqualification. All taxes are the responsibility of the winner. For
office use only. Void where prohibited. Batteries not included. Some
assembly required. Use only as directed. No purchase necessary. This
technology is not fault-tolerant and is not designed, manufactured or
intended for use or resale as on-line control equipment in the operation
of nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, or
air traffic control machines in which its failure could lead directly to
death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage. No
other warranty expressed or implied. Subject to approval. Not affiliated
with the American Red Cross. This is not an offer to sell securities.
For recreational use only. May cause excitability, especially in
children. All models over 18 years of age. You must be 18 or older to
join. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Avoid alcoholic beverages
while using this product. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. May
cause drowsiness. Slippery when wet. Times approximate. List at least
two alternate dates. Pre-recorded for this time zone. Edited for
television. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the
show. Reproduction strictly prohibited. One size fits all. Not the
Beatles. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely
coincidental. Many suitcases look alike. Contents may settle during
shipment. If condition persists, consult your physician. Place stamp
here. Drop in any mailbox. Do not stamp. No postage necessary if mailed
in the United States. Post office will not deliver without postage.
Postage will be paid by addressee. Return to sender / no forwarding
order on file / unable to forward. We have sent the forms which seem
right for you. At participating locations only. Read label for
instructions. This tag may not to be removed except by consumer under
penalty of law. Watch for falling rock. For off-road use only. Call toll
free number before digging. First pull up, then pull down. Your canceled
check is your receipt. Remit in US dollars. Lost ticket pays maximum
rate. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Check here if tax
deductible. Sign here without admitting guilt. Not responsible for any
damages compensatory, direct, incidental, consequential or otherwise.
Members who have not filed a valid and timely request for exclusion
shall be forever barred from suing Defendants and their past, present,
and future directors, officers, employees, agents, insurers,
shareholders, attorneys, advisors, consultants, representatives,
partners, affiliates, parents, subsidiaries, joint venturers,
independent contractors, divisions, predecessors, successors and
assigns, for any and all liabilities, claims, causes of action, damages,
costs, attorneys' fees, losses, or demands, whether known or unknown,
existing or potential, suspected or unsuspected, that were or could have
been asserted in the Actions. Employees and their families are not
eligible. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Must be 42 inches
tall to ride this ride. Beware of dog. Avoid contact with skin. Limited
time offer; call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to
win. No passes accepted for this engagement. Do not fold, spindle or
mutilate. This message has been virus scanned. Use only in a
well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Shading within a
garment may occur. Clean with soft, dry, lint-free cloth. Replace with
same type. Approved for veterans. Some equipment shown is optional.
Price does not include taxes. Not sold in stores. Restaurant package;
not for resale. No solicitors. No shirt, no shoes - no service. No
alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. No
Canadian coins. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete
stop. Driver does not carry cash. Do not speak to the driver. Objects in
mirror may be closer than they appear. Your mileage may vary. Estimated
MPG only. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.
Processed at location stamped in code at top of product. Check package
for expiration date. Made in USA. Made from 100% recycled products.
Package sold by weight, not volume. Contact manufacturer for list of
nutrients. Do not ingest. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this
product appear for identification purposes only. Unix is a registered
trademark of Unix. No support provided. Use at your own risk. Lifeguard
not on duty. Provided "as is" without warranty of any kind. You may not
assign your rights under this Agreement to any third party. Pursuant to
all federal regulations, past, present and future. This supersedes all
previous notices. This Agreement does not grant you any rights. Do not
write below this line.

Don't Taze Me Bro!!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

OMG!

me: "Did you open the file you just downloaded?"
cust: "Yes. Let me just open that file. I don't even know where it
downloaded to. Can you give me a second to find it?"
me: "Excuse me?"

Seriously??? Kill me! PLEASE!

7-11-08 (I know I'm a couple days late)

So, seven - eleven, my one year anniversary of quitting the nasty. I'm
so proud of myself. I really had so many doubts that I could actually
quit. And I guess I have to give credit where credit is due, Barry
helped me immensely! He offered me things that changed my entire outlook
on life and made me want to be a better person. It happened so slowly
that I really didn't even think about it until like two days before I
quit. I thought about the reasons I was doing the nasty and realized
that I was being retarded and shouldn't have to satisfy myself with the
nasty. The next day I did the nasty less than my 'normal' amount and the
day after that, at 11 am, I made a decision that I was done. No more. I
saved 3 nasties for me. For my sanity. For those times when I just
couldn't handle life. I needed one of them and did the nasty the second
time just because... but the third time I did the nasty I only got one
puff and then damn near shot myself because I really didn't mean to do
it. It was really early in the morning (or was it late, I can't quite
remember) and I wasn't quite with it.
So My one year anniversary... one year of struggling and grappling with
the horror and realities that we all call life. Like today, I was
missing the societal lethargy that happens when there are a group of
people doing the nasty in a confined area. Then the wife says to me, "So
go stand out there with 'them' and talk"... what? Excuse me?? Stand out
THERE?! With THEM?! EW! I'd fkn smell like a butt! I can't have that. No
way. *gag* ew. Yuck. So I'm really glad I quit and I hope that I never
start again, if for no other reason than the aroma of the nasty.
Oh and if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm talking about smoking...
gawd get your mind out of the gutter, you filth bag!

New Things.

A little background is in order... so here goes. The door from the house
to the garage is quite heavy. In all it's heaviness it also closes
really hard if you just let it close itself. It has those springs built
into the hinges so it won't stay open. Anyway, the slamming of that door
(because it's so damn heavy) causes my house to shake. It's not so much
the shaking that bothers me but it shakes enough that it knocks things
off my desk, and even more irritating is that it rearranges my pin
sculpture of my hand. So finally, I'd had enough. Anyone who knows me
knows that this means its time to put on my redneck thinkin cap and get
to work. So, I've been on the hunt for a door closer that will moderate
the speed and intensity of the door closing. Yesterday at Harbor Freight
I found just such an object.
So yesterday after work I set upon installing this beast onto the door.
It took me 20 minutes of staring at the directions to finally understand
that I was trying to put it on the wrong fkn side of the door, then even
after I was on the right side, it still didn't really make sense until I
began installing it. The wife offered her 'words of wisdom' aka the 'do
it my way or else' talk. Well, let us just say that I'm sure I would
have figured it out alone but it works. And it works really well! I was
so stoked about it that I couldn't sleep last night. And when I finally
got some sleep it wasn't enough, so when I woke up this morning I opened
the door 5 or 6 times, just to watch it close! This is how very exciting
my life is. I've been reduced to watching a fkn door close. Wow.

Captivity, day 76

Day 76 of captivity. I am still being forced to take these calls. The
hostiles have intentions of keeping me for a very long time, I know
because I read it on their myspace page. They are cruel and when they
walk past me they fart, loud.

Nothing will surprise me now.

So this man calls in, very southern accent to his voice and I can hear
wind noise in the background. When a customer calls in we request that
they call in on a phone other than the one we will be working with...
you know, in case we need to shut the phone off during
troubleshooting... so, we are in the middle of troubleshooting his phone
when I tell him to press and hold a button while inserting the battery
into his device. Then... and I am not shittin you... Then I hear this,
verbatim, "Hey, Bobby, take the wheel a sec I gotta mash this button and
jerk the bat-ry." Followed by grunting... Grunting!! How hard is it
really to push a button and put a battery into a phone? I can just
picture this... huge white guy, cell phone to his hear, head on his
shoulder, another phone in one hand, foot on the gas, buddy in the
passenger seat steering while this dough brain holds a button and puts
the battery into the phone (a process that takes 15 to 30 seconds).
Uh... Dude... YOU'RE DRIVING!!! WTF?!?!?! This is precisely why talking
on the phone should be outlawed while driving. I'm just really thankful
that this wasn't followed up with screeching tires and the sound of
grown men screaming like teenage girls.

ACCESS THIS!

You wanna know something really messed up...
Here at work... we have no access to our cleaning supply closet. Okay.
No really, I'm not bitter about that, I can bring in my own windex to
clean my monitor and my own alcohol wipes to sanitize my desk. Here's
the disturbing part, the door to the server... wide fkn open! Seriously.
They must be like, "No, we don't trust you with access to the toilet
paper, but a $300,000 server... well, that's okay! No really... go ahead
and fk around with the server, just don't, for fk sake, touch the toilet
paper!"

What's love got to do with it?

So I'm on the phone with this very nice sounding older gentleman
today... he says to me there's this issue with my wife's phone. (and I'm
thinking, "Why didn't she call in then?" Right?) so then I tell him,
look, it's gonna be a very long wait because I have to contact another
department to get the problem resolved, AND I'm not sure if they even
can or will once I get thru. To which he replies, "My wife really wants
this fixed, so I'll wait." Okay, seriously... I'd put the phone up to
her and say, when he comes back on, come get me, I'll be playing on the
computer. Damn! That's LOVE. Not just "yeah this is my wife" kinda
love... that's "My name's Braden and I'm gonna do anything you want,
whenever you want, for as long as it takes, because I found my nerf
helmet yesterday" kinda love. FECK! Some people ought not leave home
without their nerf helmets!!! Go home retard, get ur helmet, and don't
leave your front yard again! FECK!