Cyclical Existence

February 27, 2008. It seems that since I quit smoking my temper has become increasingly short-fused. I have tried to relax, take a breather, count to ten... but I just can't fix stupid! I have lost my grip on life. I can't remember the last time cooked because I really wanted to or played a pc game for more than an hour. I feel like all my creativity has been sucked out of me. I want to scream. I want to sleep for 9 days and wake up in a new existence. I don't like what I've become. I still smile, but it seems that they are becoming fewer and farther between. Even when I muster a laugh it seems almost forced, as if I were pushing air into a full tire. I have no passion for anything right now. I'm being stifled and restrained. It's disgusting. I can't imagine myself really REALLY enjoying something. I think I am but then it just becomes another thing. Something else I 'have' to do. Someone else I 'have' to please. Well you know what, sometimes I just need some time for me I just want to enjoy my life... WTF is it for if you aren't enjoying anything? I'm sick and tired of the harping, the whining, the bitching, the nagging, the obligations, and all the fkn you 'have' to's. June 1, 2012. I'm not sure why this didn't get posted over four years ago, but it's weird that I still feel mostly the same... I really need a different path.

Strippers Dance in My Lonely Head

It seems like I realize my selfishness and have a crisis of conscience at the same time fairly regularly, but today, when faced with an expense that will cripple our monthly budget for over two years, its seems the easy thing to do is say no. But what about when that crippling is for braces for a teenage girl and a preteen boy? Then is it worth the sacrifice? I've been blessed with teeth that were straight enough to not need braces and although they are brittle and soft at least they never cost enough that I had to finance the repair for over two years! The drama that I'm having is that part of me is screaming at the other part for being selfish and unwilling to sacrifice for the mental health and dental health of my children. The other part of me is saying how much I love being able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want for dinner, how much I love having internet speeds that never bog down, how much I love driving three hundred miles to see my best friend on a weeks notice and how much I love just paying the bills without robbing Peter to pay Paul. So this really sucks but I think I know what I have to do: It's time to put on my big boy undies and suck it up for the next couple years. Maybe it's time to look for a job that pays more. While I'm here, let me ask you this (if anyone even reads this), why is my patience so little? Why do I have a constant irritation at the kids or wife or co workers? Why do I have to be angry or frustrated all the time? What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I even debate getting braces for my kids? Why would that EVEN COME UP? Wouldn't a regular guy just be like, "Well, it's gonna suck, but go for it." Why am I struggling with this? Why am I debating being single again, just to avoid having the financial burden of children? Why am I already avoiding them after they've just come back from a 5 day vacation away from home? Why is it that one question just leads to another, and another? Why are there no easy answers? I want to take a pill that would make me calm and easy going. Hey, that wasn't a question, was it? Is there such a pill? What would I have to do to acquire this little paradise pill, this wonder drug of all drugs? I fucking hate my life. I hate that I'm selfish. I hate that I don't make enough money to provide a comfortable life for my family. I hate that I feel inadequate, unworthy, useless, insecure and broken. I hate that I feel lonely with a house full of my family. I hate that I just want to leave and never return. I hate that this hate list is so long. I have to go to work now and fake like I'm not useless and inadequate. Wish me luck, the world can be cold and cruel to a person who doesn't believe in themselves.