Every gay man I know drives a Ford Focus... Is that just a strange
coincidence or did I miss the memo????

SCHOOL UPDATE!!!

Well, I'm into my second week of school and it's turning out better than
I ever expected. I actually enjoy my classes and I think I can really
make a go at this. Just the fact that I'm a student again is weird
though. I kinda wish that I was a senior already... but I guess you have
to work for that... That's what I'm told.
I like taking classes... Math still sucks; I think it will get easier
though... At least that's what I'm hoping for. My professors are really
kewl. I don't have one that I hate, just one that's a little old and set
in his ways. He bears a striking resemblance to Yoda... but his grammar
is a little better. And he seems to form complete sentences, most of the
time.
English will be tough. We haven't really done much yet, but I can tell
there is gonna be a ton of homework later. I think the research will be
a lot of fun though... It's Vietnam! I know absolutely shit about that
war and it will be good for me to learn some more about it.
More later... Must get some work done.

Take Your Sweet Time

Live. And live well. BREATHE. Breathe in and breathe deeply. Be PRESENT.

Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now. On a crystal clear, breezy 70
degree
day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin.
Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool autumn
day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD...
and if you crash, then crash well. Feel the SATISFACTION of a
job well done, a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed,
a play well-performed. And if you eat, then SMELL.
The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee
beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce
of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of life.
Because it is most definitely a gift.
Kyle Lake

MORE????

Today I have been pondering what it would be like without you around. That scares me, just the fact that I'm thinking about it. I thought you would do anything for me? I thought you want this and need this to work out. You sure don't act like it most days. I don't know why. It seems that the slightest thing I do can cause you to go into a rant and get all butt hurt. Why does it have to be like that? WHY? I just want to be able to let go sometimes, just be myself and not have to worry about what I'm gonna say that will piss you off. This is fucking retarded that I have to walk on eggshells because if I say something wrong you might just have a fit and fall in it. Can you explain why? I have tried to figure you out, over and over, God knows that I have done everything I can think of to please you, and yet you cannot be pleased. WTF is wrong with ME? You liked me the way I am. I am still me. Why do you seem to hate me now. You say you love me but it doesn't feel real. It feels like a script, like you have to draw it out of yourself. It seems to take so much effort to even get you to come to bed with me. When did you stop caring? I can't even remember the last time you said "make love to me". It seems that sex is always the first thing to go down the tubes and I should have known... I should have fucking seen it. 4 or 5 months ago... I should have fucking seen it. Maybe this really is all my fault. Maybe I changed and somehow now I'M the asshole that I have been frantically trying not to become. Maybe my worst fear has happened and it's time to flush the toilet cuz I can't take this shit anymore.

I'm irritated today. WTF FOR?

I have been telling you for months that I would like to get to bed a little earlier and I can count on one hand the number of times that I have gotten more than 7.5 hours of sleep on a weekday. It sucks and my opinion apparently means shit. It wasn’t always like this but lately it’s gotten A LOT worse.
This morning you were arguing with me about every fkn thing I say. EVERY FKN THING! Let it go. Don’t fkn sit there and argue with me about it. GAWD! It seems that you are constantly telling me what to do and how to do it. Like last night I called Directv and talked to them about disconnecting then getting a new DVR that responds well, all you could say was that I need to call them back and tell them this and that. You never acknowledge that I MAY fkn know something or may have done something right. You didn't call them, I did. I don't think you have a whole lot of room to be telling me what to do if you're not willing to do it.
Maybe, Just fkn MAYBE, I'm not a fkn retard! I don't know how many times I've told you that you make me feel stupid. When you argue with me over every fkn thing and tell me what to do, like you're my mother, it pisses me off! I don't need or want another mother, I have two and that's plenty! You make me feel like I can't do anything right, and when I feel like that I will do my best do not do ANYTHING, just so I don't do it wrong. Then you bitch at me for 'making' you cook dinner all week.
Something else that makes me irritated is when I feel like I HAVE to do something. I will avoid doing it just because I feel like I have to. I don't do obligation well, I've told you that before. When you say, "Why should I have to put the garbage out" Well... You contribute to it too?! HELLO! Just because I 'always' do it, doesn't mean that it should be that way. I expect that when I'm working around the house, that you work too. I'm not asking for a whole lot because I do alot of sittin around too. But when I'm busting my ass for your dinner, I expect that you will be in there with me cleaning up or working with the kids to do homework or something. I'm not sure if you have been lately because I have been doing my best to ignore what you do so I don't get pissed off about you sitting on the damn computer.
When you sit on your ass and watch tv then whine to me about the dvr not working properly, that irritates me. Here's why: I can't do anything about the way that the dvr works. I tried to tell you how to chang the priority of the scheduled recordings but you wouldn't have it. Then after interupting me you continued to get pissed off about it. You know what, You missed a show! BIG FKN DEAL! Get over it. Quit acting childish and whining when you don't get your way. It's absurd.

Ya Had a Bad Day!

QUIT ACTING LIKE A CHILD!!!

I still cannot get over how selfish and self-centered you were being last night. I know that's not 'you' because you have never been like that. Just the fact that you told me that you don't care that I'm sick and needed some sleep makes me question how much you really are committed to me. I'm questioning our entire relationship now because I may be catching a glimpse of the real you. Or maybe I'm seeing the part of you that no-one really ever sees. Is THIS how it's going to be? All about you?
I'm not a FUCKING TOY! Don't play games with me. Oh and your whole crying act when you finally came to bed, not playing that game either. If you can't pull your head out of your ass long enough to see how your actions affect those around you that love you, I'm not feeling sorry for you. That's just another game and I'm not playin. When you don't feel good, I take it upon myself to cook dinner, bathe the children, get the homework done or whatever needs done, and get the kids to bed. And now with the table turned somehow you can't seem to manage getting half of that done without having a breakdown and screaming until your red in the face.
You told me that I don't have a say in when it comes to the kids and yet you want me to raise Dylan while you gallivant in the woods with your sister? What the fuck is that double standard about? It's okay for me to raise them and have a say when it's convenient for you? I'm not okay with watching him if the reason is that you can't handle it anymore. It's purely situational this time, because I was completely willing to take him for the weekend, until you started having a tantrum. It was so childish the way that you handled the entire evening, it was all about you and what you want, never even a thought as to how I was feeling or what I wanted. When you are ready to handle this like an adult come talk to me. No more games.

Don't FUCKING push me!

I'm not mad at you, nor have I been the last two days. I'm frustrated that you cannot seem to control your own children and then expect me to step in and parent for you. Then you tell me I don't have a say? WTF is that bullshit about? If you don't want me to have a fucking say... tell me again and I will remove myself from your life.