I gotta pee!

Have you ever noticed that you are completely relaxed only a couple times in a day. Sometimes not even that much. But I just noticed that one of those times for me is when I pee. It's the strangest thing. Usually nothing on my mind, complete relaxation. It's kinda kewl, I wish I could pee 100 times a day if it would be that same feeling. LOL. I crave relaxation. I think that is the bulk of why I have done so much research into techniques and such. I wish I could find the perfect relaxation technique. That would be freakin kewl. But till then, I guess I'll just have to deal with what I know so far.

I have found another means of relaxation, we'll call it relax-o-tron. This technique for relaxation can be exhausting but mostly it's very effective. I seem to be more at ease with everything. I used to think that things will just work out, either by themselves or with some intervention. That theory changed about a year ago, and is just now, slowly returning. Life seems to be much easier. Problems are solved with less complication and more resolve. I seem to have a spice for life that I have been trying to get for what seems like EVER! I love going home after work, I love being around and even tho this really cuts into my sitting around time, I am more content than I have ever been. Love is a powerful thing. I don't believe that it could physically move a mountain, but it does so much for people.

As most of you know I have become a disestablishmentarian in the last 9 or so years. It is good for my heart to know that she is also, at least regarding the reverse-psychosis that plagues this town. It is so nice to feel like you want to becoem a better person rather than feeling like you HAVE to. Have to's can kiss my ass!

Work is becoming easier to endure. She makes it more pleasant. A beam of light to a dungeon with plastic head-phone-shaped shackles and an invisible forcefield that contains all beings to the vacinity. My light house on a dark stormy sea. Show me the way, and allow me to walk it on my own terms. That is all I ask.

WTFH?!

Well as a turn of recent events, my boss now thinks that I lied to him. I totally did not! EVER! He seems to think that the circumstances are odd... Yes, I will admit that the events seem a bit out of the ordinary. Anyone that knows me, knows that my life is anything but ordinary. But I never lied to him! I can see where he would get that idea but yeah, I totally told the truth! That's a humdinger right there!
Many people seem to be confused with regards to my love life... let me just clear a couple things up here. LJ decided that it was a good idea not to talk to me anymore, no explaination. Appearantly I didn't deserve that much. Secondly, I am dating a wonderful woman that I work with. We have been friends for freakin ever. I have moved in with her.
Enough with the impersonal update shit. Time for some mush!
There is a love stronger than any other, a love that you have for your children. Completely unconditional. That kind of love is powerful beyond human cognition. You would do anything, including life risking tasks, to save your child from impending doom. This is the level of love that I am talking about, and although I would not say that my love for her is at that stage yet, it is a very close second. And she thinks she needs me? I beg to differ.

Whatev.

Sometimes I wonder what life really has to offer... The answer to that question is Love. Love of humanity love for someone else and love of self. Sometimes I wonder if there is something I am missing. I have found love. Not that I lost it, because there was always the love for my children. I thought that I had known love before but there was so much to love that I never even considered; a connection beyond the physical intimacy of a relationship. I sometimes have to think that love is more than the visible things. But there is a love that can be seen in the eyes of your lover; a love so profound that I cannot even begin to explain it. You know that sparkle that people often claim someone has when they're in love, it's kinda like that sparkle when you can look into someones eye's and just know that, to them, you are the best thing in the entire world. It's almost a sense of worship, I feel like Budda when I look into her eyes. I feel like a God of sorts. All powerful and all knowing. I am not, but the feeling is incredible. What's even more strange is that I see her in the same light. She is amazing and very independant yet at the same time gives me the feeling that she needs me, like I need her. Every time I look at her she is more sexy and provoking than the day before, and when she gives me a passing glance it sends fire thru my body and sparks my mind, thoughts I had given up on, hope is returning, that I had also given up on.

Enough with that tho, just an update I have decided to move in with her so we are now living together. I love it!

She thinks she needs me. - Andy Griggs
She thinks I walk on water, She thinks I hung the moon
She tells me every morning, "They just don't make men like you"
She thinks I got it together, Swears I'm tough as nails
But I don't have the heart to tell her, She don't know me that well
She don't know how much I need her, She don't know I'd fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch, Without her faithful loving arms
She don't know it's all about her, She don't know I can't live without her
She's my world, she's my everything, She thinks she needs me
Sometimes she cries on my shoulder, When she's lyin' next to me
She don't know that when I hold her, She's really holding me, holding me

Three Bad Things...

I lay awake in bed tonight, staring into the face of the one I love as she sleeps. Words cannot define how I feel right now. Well maybe they can, because I feel pretty tired. And 'tired' is a word. LOL. But I'm talking about the feeling of walking into your house and sitting on the couch, sighing with relief that you are 'home'. Home, there's a word that I haven't been able to mean since my children were ripped from my clutches. Even thru being out later than I anticipated two days in a row, she still smiles at me when I return home. Can home be more than where you hang your hat? I think so. I hang my hat on Riviera. That is not home.

I was talking with Ice today and told her that I didn't want to get home any later than 10pm. My girlfriend was there, laying on my chest while I was talking. I corrected myself and said, I don't want to be back at my gf's place any later than 10. To which my fair maiden said to me, this can be your home if you want... That statement is starting to sink in, so I started thinking about another thing. Anytime I have began a relationship in the past, I make note of three bad things that they do or don't do that really REALLY annoy me. So, I was a man on a mission, finding those three things. So here are the three things I came up with: I find it utterly irritating when she. Yeah right. There is absolutely nothing that irritates, aggravates, provokes, or annoys me. I love her. In love, I have said before that, there has to be a complete acceptance of the person, right? I accept her for everything that she is, and even those things that she is not. This Jap is in lurfe with a white girl.

***CODE RED Mushy Alert - SOLDIER! Man your battle station!!***

Even now as I watch her sleep I want to wake her up and tell her I love her, kiss her once on her cheek and twice on her sweet lips, hold her until dawn and then thru till dusk. I love everything about her. Especially, the way smiles at me, at the strangest times with no explanation other than, you're amazing. I love the way she sways when we embrace. I love that she's shorter than I am! I love that our relationship is open enough to allow room for even the darkest of secrets; I love that I can trust her with mine, and that she feels she can trust me with hers. I love that she so firmly knows who she is, and yet is confident enough that she can share her weaknesses with me. I love that there are no awkward silences, only comfortable ones. I love that we have been friends for years before beginning a relationship. I love that twinkle she has in her eyes every time she says "I love you". I love the way she says my name (I always have) but now there's a dash of lust in her voice that just makes me wanna jump her bones. I love that every time I look at her, I get this stupid grin on my face and every time I get that grin, she smiles and timidly asks, 'what?' I love that I do the same thing! Enough with the lovey-dovey stuff, LOL. I am not mushy.

I do have a question tho... How can I be so amazing? I am me. Half jap, half not. I do the same thing that I do with my kids and the ex thought I was some kinda jackass. I am still me. I have not changed that much. I have changed a little but it wasn't that long ago that all my friends told me I was an asshole. Now, they are changing their stories. Kini told me today that I am NOT an asshole, she said that I'm a pretty nice guy with asshole tendencies. WTF? LOL. I am me, whoever or whatever I be.

I have taken it upon myself (because I have so much time off work right now) to better organize the childrens rooms. She has two awesome children, a little misguided at times but they kick ass! Their rooms were in need of some help. She has a 4 yr old that we'll call Son of Milf, and a 6 yr old that we'll call Daughter of Milf. So I spent the better part of a day cleaning, sorting, organizing, and straightening Son of Milf's room. You should have seen him when he got home, he was so excited! It was freakin awesome! I have yet to finish Daughter of Milf's room, but hopefully, come dawn, I can get back to that.

It is time that I join my love. Hasta Pasta, or whatever that's suppose to be. I'm tired. goo-knight.

I'm sleepin in my shirt tonight!

LOL, So there is no reason to recap the nights events... if you keep up with the links on my page you will already know what happened. I will say that it was very strange not to have the all too familiar feeling that I must get back to my computer or suffer irreparable damage. Very strange. I will also say that I too enjoyed my quality time with her. It has been many many moons since I last held the hand of a woman. It is one of those very simple pleasures that I had not given thought to until it happened. Just like sitting on the couch with my arm around her, it was all too comfortable. What else I think is strange... She has this way, that is seemingly coy, yet very innocent, that just makes me wanna touch her. ALL THE DAMN TIME! I am about to take handcuffs with me when I go over there so I can restrain myself... uh... on second thought that may be a bad idea, cuz they may end up on the wrong hands! LOL. yeah... No handcuffs.

I now know that she is not perfect, which is a good thing because now I can believe that she is real. I am really not bothered by her 'imperfection' and took the news much better than I would have anticipated. I think there is a mutual trust that has or is developing between us. I trust her and trust that her past will not be repeated. I'm really okay with her. Even thru her mistakes.

I noticed one other thing tonight that never really grabbed my attention. She has hazel eyes. No, really, I noticed that before but what I didn't notice was that when the lights are dim and she has that beautiful smile on her face, her eyes dance. It's magical. There was twice when I'm pretty sure I sounded like a dumbass, because I totally was too busy staring at her that I didn't even hear what she was saying... I'm such a moron sometimes... And I'm sure I said something that was totally fkn retarded and did NOT follow the conversation, but she didn't seem to notice. Or maybe she did and was being very polite. I dunno. But I felt pretty damn dumb.

Can I just also say that her cooking reminds me of mom w's cooking. OH! *slurp* YUMMY! YUM-AY! So, I get home.. hehehe I can't even type this without laughing... so I get home and I just sit in my chair for two hours. hahaha. and I'm just breathing deep and keeping my eyes closed.... hehehe, cuz I totally smell like her. I am such a tard. This aroma will have to wear off before I will shower, I swear it! Oh, and this shirt... yeah, it is SOOO coming to bed with me tonight. OMG! I totally sound like a stalker. OY! So uh yeah... it's 6am, and I must go to bed. by buy bye.

Want to need or Need to want?

To LJ, my soul yearns for your health to be infinately better than it is now. My prayers for you are neverending. To all those following her progress, she is home (where she dearly wants to be). Her progress is slow but fairly steady. I believe that she is showing signs of improvement. Not long ago I would have said it would be a miracle for her to be where she is now. And it truly seems that a miracle has indeed happened. In a time when hope has become my worst enemy, it pains me to rely solely on it. Doubt is what I fight with now. The shrowd of darkness seems to be lifting. I have become numb, to some degree, yet tears mark my face when there is progress or congress. As you can see, my humor is slowly coming back to me. It has been gone for a while now and I welcome it's safe return. I count my blessings daily, lest thee forget what thou hast given unto me. God, I am thankful for your blessings. It is my prayer that the rain stay at bay as we cast our glances to the rainbow above.

If it is possible to love two people completely and differently, I think I may have accomplished this. What's the difference, you ask... Let me explain; to me there are two distinct types of love, there is a want to be loved (such as a spouse), and a need to be loved (such as a family member). At its core, this is the best way to explain it. With one it's a matter of a friendship blossoming into a beautiful rose. The compassion that we hold for each other is profound and calming, powerful and strengthening, wonderful and amazing. The other is more like a rose blossoming into a rose. It's what you would expect to happen but not nearly as magical as the first. It's the love that I equate to family.

When there is a want to be loved, there is a type of communication that is indefinable with words, it allows you to give of yourself without requiring anything in return. The fact that the same affection is returned furthers the blossoming and makes the union that much stronger.

When there is a need to be loved, it is something that you have to do. Human nature states that if we have to do something, rebel. At all cost, rebel against it. It's natural. The love of family is a must, although it is very difficult sometimes and impossible other times. My love for LJ is this type, I would do anything for her, because I love her... Because my soul tells me I have to. There is a connection there that I cannot explain, but I trust my soul.

They say that if you love someone you should set them free, if they come back they're yours, if they don't they never were. Following this thought I would also like to add that if you love someone, allow them an out. If they take it, well you know. I have divulged to her a secret of mine, so heinous, it would make God shun me. I did so because it was my way of giving her an 'out' and also informing her of something that I am deathly ashamed of. She is the fourth person that knows about this, and hopefully the last I have to tell. She deserves to know. She knows so much about me, I felt it was time for her to know the rest. Especially, if we move forward and pursue more of a relationship. Which, by the way, looks to be irrefutable right now. YEAH! She has a right to know every part of me. To date, I think she does.

I must bid thee all good night, sweet dreams and such, but... before I do just a couple more thoughts.

I had a very difficult struggle in my marriage because I felt like it was my job, my duty, my responsibility to please her and make her happy every second of every day, and I failed, miserably. It is not my job. The way I see it, it is my job to comfort in times of sorrow, mend the wounds I can, and be there with you, to assist you in your 'happily ever after' as you assist me in mine.

Love is a powerful thing, we all know it's power or know of it's power. It can 'move mountains' and leap tall buildings in a single bound (or was that Superman). Look, either way, love is a strong force. And I think I have yet to grasp the full potential of love, but I promise you this, I got that sum'bitch by the tail and I am NOT lettin' go!

May love bless your day and sprinkle smiles graciously upon you.

Updates... Updates....

uhhh, where to begin? I spose lets start with.. oh hell, I can't do this tonight... I'll update you all tomorrow. Sorry... too tired, want to go back to bed. Put this on the records as the shortest post the Jizr has EVER done! -out

Just look at this!

Look at my blog! I was inspired last night. I haven't been to sleep yet and look at the time, it's SEVEN FREAKIN THIRTY AM! But, I redid my blog with a layout that is MINE! ALL MINE! I created it and designed it! I AM GOOD! DAMN I LOVE THIS SHIT! W00T!

Emotionally Scaring

My day was busy yet fairly uneventful. A good friend of several years picked me up and we spent the entire day together. Tron is so sweet, she hauled me around and then catered to me with dinner and mtn dew. Need I even comment that it was SO YUMMY! *slurp* oh, and so was dinner! Thanks again. I needed a break from my living quarters. It was really nice just to hang out. We also went to look at a car for her. She ended up getting this KILLER deal on a 2005 Ford Escape. We test drove a 2002 that was freakin awesome but her payments would have been higher... so DUH! Take the lower payments, WOOT! And she ended up getting almost double what her trade-in was worth, so that kicks ass too! I have learned tho, that society's version of time is not accurate to her version of time. We're gonna call her version "The Clock-o-Tron" and it seems to run about 30 minutes or an hour behind 'real time'. Quite strange. Yes. OMG, how could I almost forget this, we spent a few minutes watching, oh ... shall I say ... non-child-appropriate-material. Um, interesting could be used to describe that. WRONG, could be another word. But maybe we'll just put that under Emotionally-scaring and leave it at that. Yah. That is good.

The rest of this post is for her.

I had all but given up

On finding the one that I could fall into

On the day before you

I was ready to settle for

Less than love and not much more

There was no such thing as a dream come true

Oh, but that was on the day before you
Now you're here and everything's changing

Suddenly life means so much

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow

And find out this promise is true

I will never have to go back to

The day before you
In your eyes I see forever

It makes me wish that my life never knew

The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you

Were shapin' my heart for the day that I found you

You're the reason for all that I've been through

Then I'm thankful for the day before you

-Rascal Flatts - The Day Before You - Lyrics

the decision

A decision is about to be made that will decide her fate. She has a living will that requests no machines, no cpr, no assistance with the exception of an IV. If the hospital recieves this will, they will have no choice but to disconnect her from the machines that are giving her life. The decision to deliver the will, lies in the capable hands of her attorney and friend. I do not envy the choice he must make.

To know that life and death rests in the hands of another person, scares me beyond belief. My body went numb when I heard about this. My thoughts are clouded and I cannot breathe. I dare not consider the outcome, but there is a meeting scheduled between a friend and her attorney, they will discuss the matter at hand and then come to a conclusion. The question for her: To be or not to be. I am terrified.