Happy Jappy! DUDE, WHAT?

Watching the city from high, it is nearly sunset and the city is buzy. I can see people too caught up in their lives to know that someone was watching them. I felt like a stalker of sorts. There is a calming peace that can be found when you put everything out of your mind and listen to the crickets and birds sing their solomn lullaby. A calm that only nature can provide. I must have sat in that same spot for an hour. I watched as the sun faded behind the mountains and the city began to come alive. It was as if I was watching a bat sleep, as soon as the sun faded it came to life. Lights came on one by one then more and at some point it was as if the sun had come back up over the city. It was bright again and buzier than it seemed before. I watched planes land and planes take off. I watched people come and go. I heard a single cricket and watched it as it lulled itself into bliss. I love nature for the peace that can be found within. Total time on hill, 2 hours. I think that was the single longest and shortest time in my entire life. So many things go thru my head in a normal two hour time slot and this seemed to be so many more and yet it was so many less. I guess it was just different maybe not less or more. I wish that I could capture some of the thoughts and bottle them for later recovery. Problem is, I can't really remember most of what went thru my head, and to take a pad just ruins the experience.
I could probably count, on one hand, the number of words that have come out of my mouth since I left the hill. Quiet contemplation. It is peaceful bliss. My ass still hurts from the damn rock I was sitting on and it's been almost an hour since then.
One thought I do remember was that statistically, so many things happened in the two hours that I was up there. X number of people got in a car crash, Y number of people choked on their seatbelt when it happened. Quite amazing to think of all the things that happen, even if you do nothing. The world continues. People will go about the humdrum of daily life, sometimes clueless to the world around them. I get caught up in that sometimes. I have stated many times that I get stuck on the monotony of life but if you really look around life is full of change, things change. Everyday something is different. If you focus on the differences that take place around you everyday how would it be possible to fall into the rut of monotony? I could probably answer that question, but I'll leave well enough alone, and let you contemplate that for a while.
Something about the damn crickets tho.... I cannot seem to get the sound out of my head. It was so melodious and freeing, then when the birds joined, the harmony was incredible. I want that on cd, digitized forever and always. Ready on demand for my listening pleasure. BTW, I do NOT have control issues.
The move to Boise seems to be coming along as best as can be planned. I want this to go as smoothly as possible (duh!), but how? That is the question. I am anxious to start a new job in a city that I love, with the only woman in the world fit to share it with me. Even as she sits behind me, clueless as to what I'm typing, she will know soon enough that I will always love her. How can you tell someone that you want to grow old with her, without sounding like a complete jap, er uh, sap, I mean? I want her to know that I have never, ever had a stirring in my heart like I do now. Seconds tick by, turning into minutes that turn into months and it seems that we have been together forever and yet it seems that only days have crept by. I have heard before that love is timeless and now I agree. When your in love seconds can seem like days and years can seem like an instant. How can I make her understand that this instant and every instant after this, I want her to be mine. I want to share my life with her. How can I let her know that she is irreplacable. At this beginning of our lives together, I feel that things are delicate. Considering the span that I know our relationship will last, the last two months seem so insignificant and yet it is the most important part because it is the foundation of our mutual binding. I firmly believe that the foundation of a relationship is certainly the most important, and I also feel that we have an awesome start to that.
We have driven alot lately and even in the monotony of the road, I glance in her direction and see her sleeping peacefully and cannot help the smile that comes to my face. Sometimes I just stare at her until she looks back at me, just to see the way her lights up when she sees me staring at her. Staring is rude, I know, but I can't help it.
Today's final thought... My life began when my oldest child was born and has ramped to unbelievable heights with the introduction of my love. I can't wait to see where we will go from here. If the excitement doesn't kill me, I may just live to be a happy old jap.

Longing...

Do you know that I long for you? I long for your touch, the gaze of your eyes, the warmth of your hand. I wish you could feel my heart when it tells me that you are the one. The one I've been waiting for, the one I cannot be without. You are the one. When we part you take my heart with you... You always have. I feel complete again when you are near and only then. When my body aches the morning after, the only thing to soothe me, is you. When my mind is racing, you calm me. When I dream, you are there. You are the one. I see forever in your eyes, and look to the past for guidance. You help me see myself in an all-encompassing view. I see myself with you. Forever your friend and lover. I love you.

ps, sorry about the boobie bruise and sore wrist (it really was an accident).

Power of the FUNNY!

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," the inferior one, which must be eaten immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
In general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to evolve, adapting to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, one M&M remains, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." (god willing, it survives the postal service)
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
Afterall, there can be only one.
*stolen from some lame fk on lowbrow.

Why?

I do not know why. It is a question that will forever be unanswered. I will say this tho, if you are my friend, you are in a very coveted spot. My friends know that I will do anything in my power to assist them whenever they need it and for any reason. As I have said before just let me know if I need to bring a shovel so I can be prepared. I will do anything for my friends or family. There was a time in my life when things were not as important to me as they are and there were many friends that helped me when I was closer to death than I have ever been. I owe a debt that will never be repaid. It is this debt that makes me the stronger, better person that I have become and I will never forget. I owe more to my friends than I would have ever anticipated. If I turn my back on a friend when they need me, I am no better than the serial killers that rot in our prisons. I cannot afford that amount of selfishness or lack of ambition. It would make a part of me die, a part of me that I have been nurturing and allowing to grow for a year now. I think part of what has made me the person I am today is my assistance to others. I feel it makes me stronger and I learn from the experiences. I become a better person for what I assist others to endure. The hardest thing we do in life is suffer thru loneliness and depression. When possible I wish for them to both go away. If I can assist in that process, I am more than willing.
One of the hardest things for me to learn was the separation between people and actions. I love my children even tho I do not always approve of their actions. It was even more difficult because of our society and the way that they judge people based on someone's actions. I do not condone the judgments because they are usually for good cause and I do believe that if someone does something that is illegal, immoral or fattening, they should have to suffer the consequences. I have a tendancy to demand good behavior from a person to love them and I'm getting over that slowly. I have more love for others and myself than I have ever had. I am fortunate to have such loving people in my life. My only hope is that those people I love feel the support and assistance.
I found an awesome quote to end my post with today...
"We are not put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through."
Source: Anonymous

Ode... once again.

To my dear friend Doc Phildo, I give thee two 'meaningless' peices of advice; Roll with the punches and keep your head up. Change is inevitable, it happens to the best of us and the worst of us. Roll with it and make yourself the rock of ages in a river of constant change. You are a powerhouse! Keep your head above the swirling politics and mind-numbing retardation and I think you will pull thru just fine. Change is the one thing that makes us who we are. Keep in mind that if you had no change, you would still be crying for a boobie or a bottle and shittin in yur pants. Not zesty!
To another dear friend Ice, I give thee any support you need for you are worth it and one day you will see that. Even tho you will probably deny this till you die, I know that you fight with depression and I know that to some extent you think that you are not worth 'it' but I also know that you are! You always have been! Rise up like a phoenix and claim your dues. Your time is at hand.
Wow... enough with the inspirational mumbo jumbo, and onto something else. I have this friend that I sit next to at work... she is awesome but has not gotten any in 3 months and she is talking my ear off and driving me to drinking... SOMEONE JUST FK HER PLZ! LOL

Fight Hate with Kindness.

What does it take to alter the fabric of your reality. For one person it may not be as much as you would think. Consider this, if something that you knew to be true, tested and tried and firmly believed in, were a complete lie, how would you handle it? What if you found out that this thing you completely believed in was made up? Think of a belief that you know to be true, such as a death of a loved one. What if the death was not from natural causes... What if it was a murder, what if it was you that murdered them? Never having recollection of the events but someone showed you video proof that you did in fact, murder your loved one. Think about it. Would that alter your sense of truth?
Our lives are like a quilt, started by our parents and shaped and designed by the ones closest to us. Eventually we become our own unique entity, separate from everyone else in the world, but molded in the same fashion. Shaped by the same things and contorted by what we believe. 'We hold these truths to be self evident.' Isn't that written somewhere important? The truths we hold are rarely self evident and seldomly true. What if you felt a vital thread of your quilt being ripped from it, slowly. Slowly tearing you apart. Call it 'normal wear and tear.' Maybe that was the thread that makes you believe in miracles. Or maybe it was the one held your values close to your quilt.
My quilt seems to be patchwork. Many different pieces, gathered throughout the years, to make me whole. Twice in my life, that I recall, I have had to gather additional pieces and thread and stitch together some vital part of my being. It seems though now that I may have missed a piece that should have been collected years ago. I have never noticed it missing until today. There is something physically wrong with me. Not life threatening, at least I hope not, but my body is starting to show signs that are unmistakable. I have lived my entire 27 years, without so much as a consideration to this and now it has hit me square in the face. I think everyone reaches a point in their life where they feel that nothing can go wrong. I know I have. I lived in that bubble for many years and now I am changing. What would it take to make a man feel like less of a man or a woman to feel like less than a woman? I am not concerned for my physical well-being as much as I am for my mental well-being. I consider myself healthy (for the most part) and trust that my body will take care of what it can. I am concerned that the 'fight or flee' aspect of my brain will choose to flee. I cannot hide from myself. I spent most of my childhood doing that and I will not allow it any longer. My only other option is to face it, deal with it and fight. The question then becomes; how do you fight something that you cannot punch, pound, smack, shoot, slaughter, maim, or at least disgrace by spitting on it? It's like fighting a feeling. How do you fight against anger, resentment, fear, or hate? They say you should fight fire with fire. And what? Make a blazing inferno? You cannot fight fire with fire, nor the opposite. Fighting fire with ice is almost as effective, as ice will not put out a fire until it melts and becomes water. So the answer seems simple... Fight fire with water. Likewise, you should not fight hate with hate nor fight hate with love, but rather fight hate with kindness. So if my problem is fear and the opposite of fear is anticipation, there is a middle ground that I'll pinpoint as analyzing. I should then fight my fear with my analytical tendencies. I have realized that I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of being up high on something that is not safe, like a defective ladder or shaky scaffold. Maybe I just need to analyze this more and draw some conclusions. While I analyze this analyzation I must remind myself, don't be to analytical. I just used the prefix 'anal' three times in the same sentence, BAH!

HUNKER SOLDIER!!

Damn, I get long winded some days.

The last 6 days have been quite trying to ones love and preservation of self. I have been nurturing to my children and my love, but there are somethings that love cannot cure. Such as the infection that has taken over my love's kidneys and bladder. She is now on some very strong antibiotics and continues her regimine of IB but still has very little energy and absolutely no drive (if you know what I'm sayin). It seems not to matter because her being sick has taught me a couple of things. I'm thankful for the lessons as I continue to grow and learn from my master teachers. Fear has got to be the best teacher I have. I know when I am scared of something that there is a lesson in the making. What stresses me most is that the lesson will not be learned to it's extent or as quickly as it should be. I will be the first to admit that I am a fkn moron sometimes! We all know this. It's nothing new and will never be anything new. Speaking of being scared of something; we were sitting in the doctors office today and I realized (once again) life is very precious. It dawned on me today that even as sure as we are of things, anything and everything can change... At any second. Your life can be completely fkd and then fate will twist the knife in the wound and you could be left bruised and bleeding with noone to turn to. Not that I have personally been put in that situation, ever, but it totally could happen. I sometimes have to bring myself back to reality because I seem to get lost in the world that I have created for myself and seem to enjoy quite feverishly. I love her. I seem to love her more with each passing day. I would do anything, short of harming my children (or hers), for her. Speaking of her children the four year old told me he loved me the other night, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have become attached to them to and they are quickly becoming as important to me as my own children are. If there were any better analogy for this I would use it but here goes; I was once told that if you truly love someone, unconditionally, you could see yourself growing old with them (this next part gets a little... um... ew, but read on) and you could see yourself taking care of them thru anything, even incontinence, should it come to that. I think that was the biggest run-on sentance I have ever done. I think it holds weight. I have seen couples in that stage of their lives where one is wiping the others ass because they could not do it themselves. Kinda nasty to think about but I would not want anyone else to wipe my ass should it come to that. To think of it now kinda makes me giggle. Picturing myself hunkered over a toilet in a half squat while she wipes my wrinkled, sagging, hairy ass.

Enough with the fear factor moment... I seem to recall having an awesome time in Le Bios. I met her sister, who I have heard SO much about. She is so much like her sister. OH and I met their children of which my favorite loves John Deere's and large trucks! I tought him a couple things about them and promised him that we would go for a ride on my cousin's REAL John Deere when I get moved down there. Oh and her husband freakin kicks ass too! He's into computers and does programming and such. OMFG! I just wanna download his brain to a harddrive and have it on hand for whatever, I told him that too. He thinks I'm a stalker freak, I'm sure... But I dun care! So yeah it was really kewl to be there again, and now even kewler with the thought of actually being able to move there and be there more permanetly. The children would have a good school to go to and they would already have friends there. We both have family over there and it would be an easy adjustment for almost everyone.

OMG look at the time, gotz ta hunker down soldier. The brown round is lookin for some relief and I need to bunk up. Later Ya'll!