Ding Ding Ding

End of round 11.
Emotionally beaten, I took a week to reevaluate my relationship and try to de-stress. We have been on two completely different pages for way too long and it has got to stop. Either we go our separate ways or become unified to the kids. Come together on our parenting and marriage or split forever. Either way is better than the stress-ridden life that I've come to accept as normal. This was never meant to be normal, never meant to become us or take us over. I can't take it anymore. I can't take the headaches. I can't take the tense and sore muscles. I just can't take any more fighting. I really wish there was a quick cure all that I could just inject or rub on the affected areas. It just seems that there's no coming back from this. I probably sound like a broken record on this damn blog. It sure seems that I keep coming back to the same lack of patience and the same anger issues. I can't seem to fix anything, I can't seem to change my feelings or attitudes. Which, of course, just make things worse.
Beginning of round 12.
Still bleeding and beaten but slightly rejuvenated, I've come back from this hiatus and promises to be better have been made. I can only hope, for the sake of my second marriage and the bulk of my sanity, that these promises are kept.
This was the second hardest Christmas that I've ever had. The only one worse came 22 days after my ex-wife took my kids out of my home and began the longest year of my life. It's still difficult to think back to that first Christmas alone. The first time that I ever had to take down a tree without the cheerful noises of my children playing in the background with their recently acquired trinkets of joy. Following that dreadful Christmas there were two more that followed, both with me waking up alone, no children by my bed gently nudging me to consciousness or jumping on my bed screaming about presents and Santa and beaming with excitement. Just me. Alone. This year my sister was kind enough to allow me to stay at her home during this difficult time. Though I woke up to a house full of my sisters wonderful family, it still felt just as cold and empty as being alone. Knowing that I should be happy; I should be filled with joy and love; I should be with MY family; just seemed to make bearing the pain that much worse.
If I've learned anything in the last 16 years, it's this: If you don't completely trust someone, loving them will be impossible. So can you love someone that doesn't trust you? Someone that doesn't believe you when you say, "Kids need consistency." Someone who takes you for granted and doesn't make an effort to show any appreciation or gratitude?
In addition to all of this, I've also been doing a lot of soul searching and figuring out exactly what it is that I've done wrong in all of this mess. There are always two sides to every argument. I'm not innocent here, I know that for certain. For two years after my first divorce I really took some time to analyze all of the little things that went wrong in my marriage that caused it to end in an explosion. I read books and researched, watched videos and slideshows, talked with doctors and married couples. All the information got digested and it took two years for me to really figure out what I should have known all along. Two years of torture and self-help books to turn the finger on myself and not point it at everyone else. Two years to figure out that I gave up too soon, that I didn't fight for what I believed in, that I willingly became a servant to the marriage and never focused on maintaining my own personality and my own opinions. I realize that I'm starting into that same tunnel again, the same destructive path of giving up and taking the easy way out. So, this is it... The gloves are on and I'm really trying to stay in the fight. Round 12. The final round. I'm bleeding and can't really see because the anger has narrowed my vision so that I only see pain and more fighting. Either this fight will be the end of our marriage or the salve that makes it stronger.
Now I can only hope that she can join me on this journey, that we call our marriage, while still maintaining who she is and while fighting for US also. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff that you can forget the bigger picture and what's really important. Don't forget what's important. Don't forget me.

It's been a while since I felt fully engaged in my relationship. I'm not sure where we stand or if we're moving. All I see is stress and anger. At what point though, do you say, "Enough is enough."? When do you decide that you've given it all that you're willing to give and it's just never going to be any better.

A few nights ago I used her vehicle to bring home a treadmill, completely forgot to put the seats back up so when she went to take the kids to school this morning they were still down and I woke this morning to a door slamming, her stomping across the house, our bedroom door flying open and slamming against the wall and her screaming at me that I must have fucked it up because she can't get the seats back up. To which I reply (sleepily) they don't latch down, just lift them up. Then she storms out, slams two doors and takes my car to drop off the kids. When I go to work, my electronics in the car are all on and the battery is barely able to start the damn thing.

I guess the biggest problem is that it has become the norm. All the yelling and door slamming and bickering is becoming more prevalent than the peaceful home that I crave. Maybe it's me and maybe it's not but either way, I can't continue doing this, the stress headaches and constant tension are raising my blood pressure and making my life unbearable. I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to turn. I don't know how to proceed. It just seems like such a waste to flush 7 years with a woman that gets me so perfectly, well, she used to anyway.

Sometimes it's grounding to visit an old friend. Turns out, it almost always has a way of bringing me back to high school. How much different have we become? How much have we really accomplished? Why does it feel so meaningless? I know... so many questions and so few answers, but I really just want to know what the hell happened. My life seems to be fifteen years behind my peers. This is so humiliating. I feel like such a failure. This, on the back of a great interview for better job. I should be anticipating moving up, but I can't seem to get past the nerves and ridiculous expectations.
...
...
i feel...
useless.
meaningless.
heartless.

a lot more less.

sad.
unimportant.
regretful.


alone in a chaotic mess of people. so alone. so ashamed.

Cyclical Existence

February 27, 2008. It seems that since I quit smoking my temper has become increasingly short-fused. I have tried to relax, take a breather, count to ten... but I just can't fix stupid! I have lost my grip on life. I can't remember the last time cooked because I really wanted to or played a pc game for more than an hour. I feel like all my creativity has been sucked out of me. I want to scream. I want to sleep for 9 days and wake up in a new existence. I don't like what I've become. I still smile, but it seems that they are becoming fewer and farther between. Even when I muster a laugh it seems almost forced, as if I were pushing air into a full tire. I have no passion for anything right now. I'm being stifled and restrained. It's disgusting. I can't imagine myself really REALLY enjoying something. I think I am but then it just becomes another thing. Something else I 'have' to do. Someone else I 'have' to please. Well you know what, sometimes I just need some time for me I just want to enjoy my life... WTF is it for if you aren't enjoying anything? I'm sick and tired of the harping, the whining, the bitching, the nagging, the obligations, and all the fkn you 'have' to's. June 1, 2012. I'm not sure why this didn't get posted over four years ago, but it's weird that I still feel mostly the same... I really need a different path.

Strippers Dance in My Lonely Head

It seems like I realize my selfishness and have a crisis of conscience at the same time fairly regularly, but today, when faced with an expense that will cripple our monthly budget for over two years, its seems the easy thing to do is say no. But what about when that crippling is for braces for a teenage girl and a preteen boy? Then is it worth the sacrifice? I've been blessed with teeth that were straight enough to not need braces and although they are brittle and soft at least they never cost enough that I had to finance the repair for over two years! The drama that I'm having is that part of me is screaming at the other part for being selfish and unwilling to sacrifice for the mental health and dental health of my children. The other part of me is saying how much I love being able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want for dinner, how much I love having internet speeds that never bog down, how much I love driving three hundred miles to see my best friend on a weeks notice and how much I love just paying the bills without robbing Peter to pay Paul. So this really sucks but I think I know what I have to do: It's time to put on my big boy undies and suck it up for the next couple years. Maybe it's time to look for a job that pays more. While I'm here, let me ask you this (if anyone even reads this), why is my patience so little? Why do I have a constant irritation at the kids or wife or co workers? Why do I have to be angry or frustrated all the time? What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I even debate getting braces for my kids? Why would that EVEN COME UP? Wouldn't a regular guy just be like, "Well, it's gonna suck, but go for it." Why am I struggling with this? Why am I debating being single again, just to avoid having the financial burden of children? Why am I already avoiding them after they've just come back from a 5 day vacation away from home? Why is it that one question just leads to another, and another? Why are there no easy answers? I want to take a pill that would make me calm and easy going. Hey, that wasn't a question, was it? Is there such a pill? What would I have to do to acquire this little paradise pill, this wonder drug of all drugs? I fucking hate my life. I hate that I'm selfish. I hate that I don't make enough money to provide a comfortable life for my family. I hate that I feel inadequate, unworthy, useless, insecure and broken. I hate that I feel lonely with a house full of my family. I hate that I just want to leave and never return. I hate that this hate list is so long. I have to go to work now and fake like I'm not useless and inadequate. Wish me luck, the world can be cold and cruel to a person who doesn't believe in themselves.

Nigri, Jessica - Cosplay/Anime/Beautiful Woman

There are times when I really step back and look at things from the outside. Times when it helps to physically relocate yourself to another place. Those times, like today, I find it helpful to also know what you are looking at. Although this years Nihon Matsuri in Salt Lake City, Utah was a bit of a disappointment and dinner at Cannella's afterwards was even worse, the weekend was not a loss. The road trip turned out to be the best part of this entire weekend. Well, that along with seeing my family. Why I have to drive 3 hours to visit my family that lives in the same town as me, I will never understand, but it was still nice to see everyone. The festival was as expected... I was able to have some good food and I'm really starting to like the cosplay and anime scene. There were lots of vendors although, I must have been in a mood because none of what they were selling interested me. Sad. I know. I really wanted to want some of the items, but just couldn't talk myself into actually buying anything. Not even for the kids, which I usually don't have a problem with. I guess I was just being too picky because of the prices. I really wanted the Nihon Matsuri 2012 tshirt, but it was $15 and I was only willing to pay $8 or $10 for it. I mean, lets be honest, while wearing it I'm advertising FOR THEM! FREE, I might add. Which means they should be GIVING them away, but no. They want me to pay for the shirt with they're logo on it. That's why I wouldn't pay $15 for it. In the end, I'm glad I didn't get one, I deserve a pat on the back for standing up for my twisted passive aggressive mind. Last year's Nihon Matsuri was full of anime characters just like this year. The difference... I was actually seeking them out this year. After seeing Jessica Nigri doing cosplay, I was hooked! And I don't mean like "Oh look, how cute"... I mean like stalker type tendencies. I went home and spent the next several hours looking up YouTube videos and Googling pictures. I'm a grown damn man! WTH is the intrigue of anime and why is it calling to me, even now? GAH... who am I to fight what nature has put in front of me? I must go, I must give in to the urge, I must get back to YouTubing cosplay and anime.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it just hits you... Yesterday was the most perfect day. Woke up early, had some fresh pineapple for breakfast, watched my nephew win a soccer game, came home and lounged for a while before heading to lunch at one of my sisters favorite restaurants only to find out that they are closed for a few weeks to remodel. That should have ruined the mood but we put our heads together and tried to figure out something else that was just as good but we decided to try a new restaurant instead and quickly found ourselves at Zeppole Baking Company. When we got to the counter to order, I was more than a little disappointed that I couldn't just tell them what to make for me, all the sammies were pre-made and they were not about to start changing one for me. So after I dealt with being forced into a pre-made sammie, I chose my soup and took my seat along with everyone else. Once I spread the pesto-mayo and took my first bite, I was hooked! As I continued to devour the delicious soup and sandwich I became more surprised by the minute, this sandwich was changing the world as I knew it! The home cooked artisan type bread with a fire brick oven baked taste was just too much for my simple palette and it succumbed to the yumminess. There have been a few times in my life when a food changed my outlook... but this was overwhelmingly delicious! If you ever get a chance to go to Zeppole Baking Company, at least the one in Boise, ID, I totally and unequivocally recommend, nay, encourage, nay, DEMAND that you to go! It could very well be the sammie that propels your very existence to new culinary heights! Continuing on... After we left the restaurant, we went to the outlet mall kitchen store and got some amazing deals on some great kitchen stuff! Got home and hung out for a little while before starting dinner which was ahi tuna, kane salad, rice and grilled egg plant and zucchini with a japanese marinade and a little mango salsa to top it off. Yeah, another epic meal! After dinner was cleaned up we spend an hour or so in the hot tub, went shopping for a couple hours and turned in, totally exhausted! What a fantastic day it was! I hope to remember it for a VERY long time! *I owe everything in this post to a great sister and my wonderful wife! I seriously love you both!

It's killing me.

How many times can you repeat the same behavior before you realize that it’s killing you? Like a food allergy there are always consequences. You may not swell or have your throat close off… well then again, that could be a very real possibility. This one thing is hurting you more than you even see, and yet you continue to go blindly forward as if to say, “I am the Titanic! I am unsinkable!” You cannot possibly believe that. You are digging a grave and before you know it you’ll be putting nails in your own coffin. I wish I could slap you and make you realize that you are not invincible. You have to take care of your body or it will give up. I’m not ready to lose you. Your children are not ready to lose you. What happens when the children you’ve cared for and nurtured suddenly have to take care of you? You can’t be okay with that… but that’s exactly where you’re heading. Pretty soon you will be diagnosed… then it’s only a matter of time. That is, if you don’t already have a life threatening illness that you don’t even know about. Wake up, damn it! Smell the red satin that lines your coffin and dig yourself out of the pit you’re in before it’s too late. I fear it may already be too late. But I love you and that’s why it hurts. That’s why it’s so frustrating. That’s why it’s killing me. Because you choose to ignore the signs. You choose to ignore the warnings. You choose to ignore my pleas. And that makes me feel sad. Not only for you, but for your children that you will leave behind, for your family that loves you. Do you not see that you are killing yourself and all the while twisting the knife that you’ll eventually leave in those who love you?