The Truth About Santa

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
A Merry Christmas to one and all!!

Alphabet Poem

If I could be a letter, I would like to be a `Q`.
As letters go, it don`t seem `Qs` have all that much to do.
Mostly they get used in words, for doctors and for ducks.
Which may well be the only times that `Qs` get any yucks.
`Qs` are never all alone in anything they do.
Cause any place you find a `Q`, it`s followed by a `U`.
But privacy is something, I have never been too keen on.
I`d rather know, when I feel low, that I got `U` to lean on.

There's that feeling

That feeling wells inside me, like someone cutting my ribs.
I wanna yell and scream, and place my own bids.
It's a frightening thing, being all alone.
With no one to lay comfort, to me, I'm on my own.

Attempts to comfort self usually end in vain.
I am my own worst enemy, and now, I don't seem sane.
I now lay down to sleep, and wrap myself in pillows.
But nothing takes away, my pain and all my sorrows.

I try to push it out, but it seems to grip so tight.
I can't get rid of it, No matter how I fight.
My only way of recourse, Is to play the music loud.
But it doesn't stop the voices that turn into a crowd.

The mirror stares back at me, with a glare I know to well.
I want to wipe the slate, and remove myself from hell.
If true love is out there, Please God, let me find it.
I want to know that feeling, and in my heart, bind it.

Let true love reside there, Forever making peace.
So I may carry on, Once again, at ease.
I want to gently feel, the butterfly kiss.
From the one I love, and will always miss.

For when they're absent, my heart is not alone.
I merely miss them and await their coming home.
Loneliness is a vicious thing, it will tear you apart.
True loves are very different, Cuz they keep you in their heart.

I want that special someone, who will keep me all their own.
So I never have to endure, this painful life alone.
They say all good things, come to those who wait.
I am sick and fuckin tired, of waiting for my fate.

I want to push things along; I want my life to move.
I'm sick of being stuck, in the same ol' fuckin grove.
Please God, hear my plea, I'm done with this stupid crap.
It's time for me to move on, and get out of this fuckin trap.

The Jizr 01/2005

commited...

There are many things that get me goin. Few of those really piss me off. This is one of those things.
We both work all week. I know your tired, I am too. I want a weekend to just relax and be lazy, but when the house looks like it was decorated by a grenade something needs to be done. All I want is HELP cleaning it. I am not asking or telling you to do it yourself. I am requesting help. I'm not the only one that lives here and makes the mess, yet it seems that without becoming an asshole nothing gets done unless I do it myself. Am I asking too much of you? I am trying my hardest to provide a clean comfortable atmosphere and I refuse to do it alone. I am getting tired of being an asshole about things. And very soon I will just start letting it go. Ignoring the mess. Allowing the kids to go crazy, and sinking myself into work or the computer. Ignoring the mess will be easy, I may have to use the headphones to ignore the kids tho. I don't mean to be an asshole about things, I try my hardest to be congenial and polite and say please and thank you. When I do, all I get is "in a minute" or "not right now".
I hate it when you tell me "in a minute" but I hate it worse when it's your children that suffer because you are too tired, or don't feel like it. If you don't respond to my requests, that is fine, I can live with it but your kids can't. They don't understand. They still trust you when you say that you will do something and more often than not it seems that you don't get around to it. This is your end of the deal and your letting it fall thru. Your letting your children down. Love your children enough to stop what your doing and take care of what you told them you would do. Keep up your end of the deal, for them.
My thought is that a relationship (especially when there are children involved) needs to be more than 50/50. It takes both of us giving 100% to make this work. I am frustrated and tired. I need you to help me. Help me keep the kids on a schedule that they can rely on. Help me keep our environment clean. Help me be firm with discipline and bottomless with love. Help me.
I know your first response to this will be that you're sorry. Please don't be. It's not sorrow I want. I want a commitment. I want to know that it will not be like this for the rest of our lives. I want to know that your in this as much as I am.

Let Go and Let God

I was standing outside watching the leaves getting blown around and had an apostrophe.
I feel like that some days, getting pushed and pulled in 4 different directions with no real purpose. In a hell of a hurry to get nowhere, but making excellent progress doing so. Problem is, I seem to end up getting where I'm not going and doing what doesn't need to be done. It's funny, life's little twists and turns. I thought I knew where I was going, turns out, I just want to be going. Doesn't really matter where. I'm content in the drive. Not really, I'm a person that needs to get where I'm going NOW. and NOW... NOW... NOW... I don't know why. The drive sucks and it's one I have made several times. Occasionally I find myself on a road I have not traveled. I have to stop and think about where it is I'm trying to get to. It's usually at this point that I pull out the map and go, "Uhh.. WTF? Oh, it's upside down... There, that's better. Now, where the fuck am I?" There's never one of those convenient dots to say YOU ARE HERE! And that kinda sucks. Then again, the road map of life sometimes sucks... Never really points out a destination, just a bunch of roads you could take, or not. Where do you want to go? How fast do you want to get there? In fact... if you FIND a map of Life... GIVE IT TO ME! I seem to have lent mine to the Pope and haven't gotten it back yet.

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Dear Lord,

I put this in your hands as I feel you are the most capable of handling this situation. I know not what to do, or how to do it. I trust your judgment and leadership. Show me the way by sign or heart, I will listen. I put myself into your all-knowing hands for molding of my character. You have never steered my wrong and I know you never will. I trust you, God. I am letting go, and letting you handle it.

Dear Tron,

I full on trust you. You have never given me reason to do otherwise. You know you have my heart and I know that you will care for it properly. I love you more than anything else. I know what is past is past and the future is us and now. We will be together forever, I have no doubts. You have laid your heart on the line, as have I, and together we can make it thru anything. An awesome quote from a dear friend: "You lift me, I'll lift thee and together we shall ascend." That is how I see our lives, we will lift each other. The pedestal I have you on, you deserve. You are loving and faithful. I know this, and for this reason and more, you deserve that pedestal. If I could build you a larger one, taller and wider than any ever created, I would do so. In my mind you are already on it. I love you. You are an awesome mother to our children and an even better wife to me. I wish for nothing more than to give you the entire world and heavens. My love for you knows no bounds.
Here's to our love, life and the pursuit of happiness, together.

Love, Yoshi

Shoot me now, please.

The innate pleasure of pushing ones body beyond it's normal limits brings new meaning to the term 'shoot me now, please'
10 to 12 hour work days 5 days a week has a way of making you realize how good you had it when you were jobless. But alas, bills don't wait while you find another job. They mock me from my file drawer. Calling me. Harrassing me. Fuckers. I hate you too.

The wife come to visit me at work today, we did lunch. It was fkn awesome! I love her so much! She put on her perfume just for me *grin* The smell of her sweet perfume, wafting around me, makes me miss her even more. I love the way she smells, even without the perfume. She has a certain yumminess. She gives me an animalistic yearning to bite something or scratch something. Makes me wanna scream sometimes. I really wish I could do nothing but be with her all day, everyday. There is nothing that makes a workday go by quicker, or easier than having her beside me. Seeing her at lunch helps, but it's not quite the same.

There is much talk of children, I am at a loss for what to do. I am really trying hard to quit smoking but it seems that the more I try, the more frustrated and angry I become. I hate it. I want to just drop it and start my 'smoke-free' life, but I hate being angry, depressed, bitter, suspicious, nervous, tense, volatile and itchy. I feel like I do nothing but yell and scream. I hate being that way. It brings back many bad memories. I don't wanna remember. I spent too many damn years forgetting it and changing for it to haunt me like it does.

I know that the 50+ hour work weeks will not last long, but it has lasted too long as it is. I am drained, and getting weaker. I am losing sleep and becoming a monster. I don't know a lot about how I feel right now but I do know that I don't like it. Partly the amount of stress I am under right now but also due to a very long working day... every day... all day... when I get home, I wanna sleep. I hate it... so bad.

I am glad that the childrens grandpa seems to be recovering from surgery. I hate to entertain the thought of losing him, for the kids sake. They love him very much, and it's no wonder, he is an awesome man. God watch over him, please.

I love that I seem to know as much or more than people who have been doing my job for months compared to my 6 days. My job is seriously easy. There is a lot to remember, but good notes help tons. Appearently remembering things is not my strong suit. Shoot me now, please.

Vertigo

In as much???

In as much as I love all my friends, I do not condone, solicit nor promote the spam market. I do not reply to, answer, or send any emails, bulletins, or posts that tell me I will die, get hurt, have an aneurism, fall down a flight of stairs, wreck my car, beat my dog, slap my cat, bang my head, poke my finger, strain my back, pull my hair, or have bad luck.

I appriciate that you call me your friend, but please, I do not wish to ignore your emails because they are only spam.