Shoot me now, please.

The innate pleasure of pushing ones body beyond it's normal limits brings new meaning to the term 'shoot me now, please'
10 to 12 hour work days 5 days a week has a way of making you realize how good you had it when you were jobless. But alas, bills don't wait while you find another job. They mock me from my file drawer. Calling me. Harrassing me. Fuckers. I hate you too.

The wife come to visit me at work today, we did lunch. It was fkn awesome! I love her so much! She put on her perfume just for me *grin* The smell of her sweet perfume, wafting around me, makes me miss her even more. I love the way she smells, even without the perfume. She has a certain yumminess. She gives me an animalistic yearning to bite something or scratch something. Makes me wanna scream sometimes. I really wish I could do nothing but be with her all day, everyday. There is nothing that makes a workday go by quicker, or easier than having her beside me. Seeing her at lunch helps, but it's not quite the same.

There is much talk of children, I am at a loss for what to do. I am really trying hard to quit smoking but it seems that the more I try, the more frustrated and angry I become. I hate it. I want to just drop it and start my 'smoke-free' life, but I hate being angry, depressed, bitter, suspicious, nervous, tense, volatile and itchy. I feel like I do nothing but yell and scream. I hate being that way. It brings back many bad memories. I don't wanna remember. I spent too many damn years forgetting it and changing for it to haunt me like it does.

I know that the 50+ hour work weeks will not last long, but it has lasted too long as it is. I am drained, and getting weaker. I am losing sleep and becoming a monster. I don't know a lot about how I feel right now but I do know that I don't like it. Partly the amount of stress I am under right now but also due to a very long working day... every day... all day... when I get home, I wanna sleep. I hate it... so bad.

I am glad that the childrens grandpa seems to be recovering from surgery. I hate to entertain the thought of losing him, for the kids sake. They love him very much, and it's no wonder, he is an awesome man. God watch over him, please.

I love that I seem to know as much or more than people who have been doing my job for months compared to my 6 days. My job is seriously easy. There is a lot to remember, but good notes help tons. Appearently remembering things is not my strong suit. Shoot me now, please.