With Christmas come and gone, there is much cleaning and weight losing to do.
I have recently realized what it means to have a "Merry Christmas" This year is the first time in 15+ years that I have even felt like I wanted to have Christmas. I always did the obligatory gifting and made the rounds to say hi, but it has never really been about cheer and greetings. Here's the thing, having someone in my life that means so much to me helps. It helped me see beyond the humdrum day. I didn't think it was possible to create the Christmas feeling. I thought it was something that you either had or didn't have. And I was one of those that didn't have it.
I have also learned that there are times that it pays to bite your tongue and not yell at the children. I have been trying to keep a level head, especially with regards to the boy. Even when I can't see straight and I'm madder than a retard losing at chess, I try to make my statements slow and keep anger out of my voice. It is very difficult for me to pull myself out of the situation and realize that he is only a child and I should be a little more understanding.
So anyway, back to Christmas. I got so many really cool things this year. Tron got me the freakin awesomest thing ever! It's a lightning-electro-lampy type thing that lights up with 'lightning' when it hears noise... Where else to put it but right next to my computer. And occasionally I have to blurt out "AHHH" so it will light up and say Hi to me. I freakin love it! My bro got me Diablo, Diablo II and Diablo II Lord of Destruction. For those of you unfortunate enough to not know what I'm talking about it is only the best game EVER! AND... I got a laser level and shirts and levis and and and... GAWD The list goes on! It was freakin awesome!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Ida who??
I have come to the conclusion that God must have invented you and Mountain Dew on a Monday. You are a Monday thing. Explanation follows:
God had to be sitting around for a couple million years before he decided to create our universe... Right? That would have given him plenty of time to come up with the best of the best. Of course he wanted to start with his best foot, or maybe his rib, forward. All fabulous things were invented on Monday, this also includes the Taj Mahal, mobile computing, mobile phones, moccasins, mocha coffee, and of course fish. By Tuesday, he did what he didn't get done on Monday. We are all guilty of this. So Tuesday was a day for the less fabulous, but still fabulous. I'm sure he created interesting things like fire and ice. Now you and I both know that some of the best work you do is when your tired and your creativity gets sparked. That would have been Tuesday. Also on this day he created things like sandwiches, sushi, soccer, sun bathing, sitting around, and surfing (the net of course). Wednesday was a day for rejuvenate, hence salad, softball, sand, stamps, stumps, starts and stops, and shrimp would have been created on Wednesday. Now Thursday God must have been going, "I just haven't got many ideas left, and supplies are getting low." So Thursday he would have created things like posts, farming equipment, flamingo's, giraffes, giants, goblins, hats, horseshoes, hand-grenades and machetties. Friday was the day he created beer, balding men, bad hair days, bombs and large animals. Come Saturday, as he was sipping a Jack Daniels at the end of a long week, I'm sure he turned to St. Peter and said, "Hey Pete, what do we have left in the garage." To which St. Peter would have replied, "Well, we still have a couple parts from a turtle and some vinyl siding." "Great! Slap it together and we'll call it an armadillo, and we'll put it in Texas!"
Recent studies show a new disease on the rise. There are no symptoms. No remedies and no known cure. It has been known to cause death in the elderly tho. Fortunately it is confined to Idaho.
God had to be sitting around for a couple million years before he decided to create our universe... Right? That would have given him plenty of time to come up with the best of the best. Of course he wanted to start with his best foot, or maybe his rib, forward. All fabulous things were invented on Monday, this also includes the Taj Mahal, mobile computing, mobile phones, moccasins, mocha coffee, and of course fish. By Tuesday, he did what he didn't get done on Monday. We are all guilty of this. So Tuesday was a day for the less fabulous, but still fabulous. I'm sure he created interesting things like fire and ice. Now you and I both know that some of the best work you do is when your tired and your creativity gets sparked. That would have been Tuesday. Also on this day he created things like sandwiches, sushi, soccer, sun bathing, sitting around, and surfing (the net of course). Wednesday was a day for rejuvenate, hence salad, softball, sand, stamps, stumps, starts and stops, and shrimp would have been created on Wednesday. Now Thursday God must have been going, "I just haven't got many ideas left, and supplies are getting low." So Thursday he would have created things like posts, farming equipment, flamingo's, giraffes, giants, goblins, hats, horseshoes, hand-grenades and machetties. Friday was the day he created beer, balding men, bad hair days, bombs and large animals. Come Saturday, as he was sipping a Jack Daniels at the end of a long week, I'm sure he turned to St. Peter and said, "Hey Pete, what do we have left in the garage." To which St. Peter would have replied, "Well, we still have a couple parts from a turtle and some vinyl siding." "Great! Slap it together and we'll call it an armadillo, and we'll put it in Texas!"
Recent studies show a new disease on the rise. There are no symptoms. No remedies and no known cure. It has been known to cause death in the elderly tho. Fortunately it is confined to Idaho.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Lies!
I apologies in advance for being rude and curt, there seems to be no other way to get my point across.
Don't talk to me like nothing happened. I feel like a fucking condiment. Like ketchup, or fry sauce. It seems to be that I'm nice to have around, but you don't take requests from fry sauce, it's not suppose to talk back. That is not the way it's meant to be. But by God when that fry sauce is not where it's suppose to be someone's gonna raise hell. I feel like a matter of convenience. "in a minute honey..." yeah, when you feel like it. I try my best not to ask anything of you that I'm not willing to do myself, sometimes there is something I don't have time for or have done and would like some help with this time. I don't like to be a burden and I feel like that's how I'm treated every time I make a request. I feel like I'm suppose to just shut my mouth, cook and clean, and help with the kids, and be happy all the damn time. I'm not allowed to request a phone call if your going to be late because you don't want to have to think about it. Oh and if I do make a request for a phone call or call you to find out where you are, it's my fucking fault for making you stick up for me in front of your friends and relatives. I never asked for you to stick up for me or defend me. I can do that on my own, and frankly, I don't give a fuck what others think of me. If you do and feel the need to play big brother, don't blame it on me, I didn't ask for it.
I'm just rehashing shit that we've gone over many times. I'm done beating a dead horse. If you feel like you don't have to answer to me, so be it. But don't set an expectation that you are not going to meet. Don't lie to me. Don't. That is the one thing that I will never tolerate. I answer to you because I want to and because I love you. It should not be any different for you. If my requests are too much then fucking tell me. Don't lie to me.
Don't take me for granted. I realize that leaving Dill last night was something that you have done before, and not that big of a deal, but it pisses me off when you just assume that I'm okay with something and don't ask. I am more than willing to help out where and when I can but that willingness will cease if I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
They say that everything stems from something deeper. Something that either has not been dealt with or something that keeps recurring. I think this is the base line and shit is gonna pile on it if a solution is not come to. I can see that shit happening right now.
How do you learn to let go. It would be so much easier for me to not care, eventually I'm sure I will get to that point. I wish I could get there a lot faster than I am. Caring is sometimes the most difficult thing one will endure.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT!
Don't talk to me like nothing happened. I feel like a fucking condiment. Like ketchup, or fry sauce. It seems to be that I'm nice to have around, but you don't take requests from fry sauce, it's not suppose to talk back. That is not the way it's meant to be. But by God when that fry sauce is not where it's suppose to be someone's gonna raise hell. I feel like a matter of convenience. "in a minute honey..." yeah, when you feel like it. I try my best not to ask anything of you that I'm not willing to do myself, sometimes there is something I don't have time for or have done and would like some help with this time. I don't like to be a burden and I feel like that's how I'm treated every time I make a request. I feel like I'm suppose to just shut my mouth, cook and clean, and help with the kids, and be happy all the damn time. I'm not allowed to request a phone call if your going to be late because you don't want to have to think about it. Oh and if I do make a request for a phone call or call you to find out where you are, it's my fucking fault for making you stick up for me in front of your friends and relatives. I never asked for you to stick up for me or defend me. I can do that on my own, and frankly, I don't give a fuck what others think of me. If you do and feel the need to play big brother, don't blame it on me, I didn't ask for it.
I'm just rehashing shit that we've gone over many times. I'm done beating a dead horse. If you feel like you don't have to answer to me, so be it. But don't set an expectation that you are not going to meet. Don't lie to me. Don't. That is the one thing that I will never tolerate. I answer to you because I want to and because I love you. It should not be any different for you. If my requests are too much then fucking tell me. Don't lie to me.
Don't take me for granted. I realize that leaving Dill last night was something that you have done before, and not that big of a deal, but it pisses me off when you just assume that I'm okay with something and don't ask. I am more than willing to help out where and when I can but that willingness will cease if I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
They say that everything stems from something deeper. Something that either has not been dealt with or something that keeps recurring. I think this is the base line and shit is gonna pile on it if a solution is not come to. I can see that shit happening right now.
How do you learn to let go. It would be so much easier for me to not care, eventually I'm sure I will get to that point. I wish I could get there a lot faster than I am. Caring is sometimes the most difficult thing one will endure.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Bouncy Balls and Bubble Gum!
If it is truly possible to exist for one person, I have found that person. I know because when she walks in the room, nothing else matters. When I am with her, she is my world. I read last night that love is not a feeling but rather something you do. If you love someone, show them. Do something for them. Hmm... thought provoking, eh?
There she is, asleep in our bed. Wrapped tightly in a blanket to thwart off the morning chill. I glance at her one more time before I have to leave for work, and kiss her gently on the lips. Her body is warm but I know that it won't be long before she is forced awake by the children or the alarm clock. As she sombers sweetly I am reminded why I love her. She is my world. I find myself (not that I was lost or anything) yearning to be closer to her, even when we are in the same room. I can't get enough of her touch. Her kisses breath light into my soul and her scent makes me smile profusely. Even today, more than 7 months with her, thinking about being with her makes me giddy. I love you, Tron!
Lately it seems that I keep retelling the same tale of how we met and fell in love. Every time I tell it I seem to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart races. I wouldn't call it something out of a fairy tale but it was damn close.
I saw the snow falling this morning and thought of you, sitting by my side in front of a fire. It quit snowing and the sun came out and I thought of you enjoying the sunshine. I saw a park bench and daydreamed of you sitting there next to me. I went to get a Mountain Dew, and thought of grabbing a soda for you. You are with me, in every thought, action, and step I take. You make my life more comfortable and I have only the hope that I do the same in return. I love you more than a moose loves dew on crisp grass, more than a gay man loves turtle necks, and more than a retard loves bouncy balls and bubble gum. You are my life, my love, and my partner.
There she is, asleep in our bed. Wrapped tightly in a blanket to thwart off the morning chill. I glance at her one more time before I have to leave for work, and kiss her gently on the lips. Her body is warm but I know that it won't be long before she is forced awake by the children or the alarm clock. As she sombers sweetly I am reminded why I love her. She is my world. I find myself (not that I was lost or anything) yearning to be closer to her, even when we are in the same room. I can't get enough of her touch. Her kisses breath light into my soul and her scent makes me smile profusely. Even today, more than 7 months with her, thinking about being with her makes me giddy. I love you, Tron!
Lately it seems that I keep retelling the same tale of how we met and fell in love. Every time I tell it I seem to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart races. I wouldn't call it something out of a fairy tale but it was damn close.
I saw the snow falling this morning and thought of you, sitting by my side in front of a fire. It quit snowing and the sun came out and I thought of you enjoying the sunshine. I saw a park bench and daydreamed of you sitting there next to me. I went to get a Mountain Dew, and thought of grabbing a soda for you. You are with me, in every thought, action, and step I take. You make my life more comfortable and I have only the hope that I do the same in return. I love you more than a moose loves dew on crisp grass, more than a gay man loves turtle necks, and more than a retard loves bouncy balls and bubble gum. You are my life, my love, and my partner.
Monday, December 12, 2005
911!
I did, today, something I swore I would NEVER do! I have beseeched the devil to my aid. Oh fuck, I'm such a retard! I cannot even believe that I would stoop to this level for anything! EVER! WTF?! All I can say is that I was really desperate. Really desperate! And it did me NO damn good! I got Shit from it! Absolutely nothing. I guess maybe I should divulge what I did... For lack of other things to try, I installed ... dun dun dun ... Norton! EW! It makes me sick just thinking about it! EW!
I have recently discovered that I really hate myspace. It's servers are slow, if ever to respond and half the time it won't let me loggin.
I heard this shit on the radio and I shall elaborate in parts to accelerate the comedic value of the piece... A stoned white man must have invented bunji jumping. Only a white man can derive pleasure from a sport where you hang idly waiting for someone to retrieve your dumb ass. This is, of course, AFTER you have tied a fucking rope to your foot and jumped off a fuckin bridge! How damn stupid do you have to be? You will never see me do that. If you do see me hanging from a bridge by a rope tied to my ankle, CALL THE POLICE cuz someone is trying to kill me!
I have recently discovered that I really hate myspace. It's servers are slow, if ever to respond and half the time it won't let me loggin.
I heard this shit on the radio and I shall elaborate in parts to accelerate the comedic value of the piece... A stoned white man must have invented bunji jumping. Only a white man can derive pleasure from a sport where you hang idly waiting for someone to retrieve your dumb ass. This is, of course, AFTER you have tied a fucking rope to your foot and jumped off a fuckin bridge! How damn stupid do you have to be? You will never see me do that. If you do see me hanging from a bridge by a rope tied to my ankle, CALL THE POLICE cuz someone is trying to kill me!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
strange uneasiness
I have been in a seminar all day today learning about 'good customer service'... WTF? My job has nothing to do with customers... EVER! I don't see them, talk to them, greet them or answer their questions. Why did I just waste 4 hours on learning how to 'appropriately provide customer service'? Makes no damn sense to me.
In other news. I feel terrible. Not like a sickness or disease, well maybe a disease, but not quite. Allow me to explain: I have run into an issue that I cannot figure out, it eludes even me and my infinite wisdom, or lack thereof. I am angry, but I know not why. Well, no I really do know why, but it makes no fkn sense to me at all. I wish I could just let go and let God. Ya know?
I just want to be myself and be in control. I am not, on either count. It's like the final round of the Olympics and you lose by a quarter of a nanosecond to some half-wit brain-dead dumbass, that has buck teeth and hair on the tip of his nose. You just cannot lose to someone like that, it does something to your moral fiber, like sand to mirror... Yeah, you can try to buff out all the scratches but in the end your left with less than perfect and far less than you started with. When something like that happens you really have no choice but to acknowledge your mishap and move on, right? What if you can't move on? What if the mistake was one that you will regret for the rest of your natural life, and maybe even longer?
I have lost my knack for letting go of stuff, I've looked everywhere for it, it's not in the freezer (where I left it last time) and it's not on the coat rack where I usually put it. I don't know where the hell it ran off to this time but I can't find it.
I have a lump in my throat that accompanies a strange uneasiness. The closest thing I can get to describe the feeling is, it's the same thing that happens to you right after you get scared out of your mind... Your heart is unsteady, you can barely swallow or breathe. I have that feeling constantly the last few days/weeks or months, I don't exactly remember. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells for no reason. Like I have to be careful what I say to whom, or they may freak out and hurt me.
I hate being isolated, but I fear what might happen if I'm not. I don't want to be the one to freak out, and I guess that's what scares me most. I have so many people in my life that I value exponentially, and I don't want to do or say anything that may jeopardize any of my current relationships.
In my emotional state I find it more and more difficult not to take it out on the children, and my girlfriend. The ones closest to you seem to be the easiest target for wrath. I hate that too.
I can't think straight right now... And if none of this made any sense, join the club, membership dues are $300 payable to yourself. Havanice day.
In other news. I feel terrible. Not like a sickness or disease, well maybe a disease, but not quite. Allow me to explain: I have run into an issue that I cannot figure out, it eludes even me and my infinite wisdom, or lack thereof. I am angry, but I know not why. Well, no I really do know why, but it makes no fkn sense to me at all. I wish I could just let go and let God. Ya know?
I just want to be myself and be in control. I am not, on either count. It's like the final round of the Olympics and you lose by a quarter of a nanosecond to some half-wit brain-dead dumbass, that has buck teeth and hair on the tip of his nose. You just cannot lose to someone like that, it does something to your moral fiber, like sand to mirror... Yeah, you can try to buff out all the scratches but in the end your left with less than perfect and far less than you started with. When something like that happens you really have no choice but to acknowledge your mishap and move on, right? What if you can't move on? What if the mistake was one that you will regret for the rest of your natural life, and maybe even longer?
I have lost my knack for letting go of stuff, I've looked everywhere for it, it's not in the freezer (where I left it last time) and it's not on the coat rack where I usually put it. I don't know where the hell it ran off to this time but I can't find it.
I have a lump in my throat that accompanies a strange uneasiness. The closest thing I can get to describe the feeling is, it's the same thing that happens to you right after you get scared out of your mind... Your heart is unsteady, you can barely swallow or breathe. I have that feeling constantly the last few days/weeks or months, I don't exactly remember. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells for no reason. Like I have to be careful what I say to whom, or they may freak out and hurt me.
I hate being isolated, but I fear what might happen if I'm not. I don't want to be the one to freak out, and I guess that's what scares me most. I have so many people in my life that I value exponentially, and I don't want to do or say anything that may jeopardize any of my current relationships.
In my emotional state I find it more and more difficult not to take it out on the children, and my girlfriend. The ones closest to you seem to be the easiest target for wrath. I hate that too.
I can't think straight right now... And if none of this made any sense, join the club, membership dues are $300 payable to yourself. Havanice day.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Behold the Lillies
For any of you who have not seen this picture that I altered using Photoshop... here it is.
