Inherent evility

There is something inherently evil about the way humans treat each other, most of the time. This is the topic of today's blog. Inherent evility. Is evility a word? No, it's not... I just looked it up. But, heinous is a word and that's even better. Inherent heinousness. Most of the time people are 'civil' if I dare call it that. During a relaxing drive thru Aberdeen I noticed again, that the small town atmosphere is much more kind than most places. We were sitting in a small diner (one of three that are in that puny town) and reminiscing of times past. While we were driving it came up yet again when someone waived to us. Not that I am apposed to being waived at, it's just that depending on the person you waive at, and how you waive, you could very well get your ass kicked. That is not good. Why? I like to believe that people are basically good, with good intentions and a natural thought toward helping one another. But, the older I get, the more I am tempted to change that belief structure to something a little more bitter. I fight with that (among other things) and somehow I'm sure there are many people who feel the same. I wish I could have the outlook that life gets better, people change, all things come to those who wait, people are inherently good.
As much as I talk about changing my outlook on life and making myself a better person, it would stand to reason that something would have changed by now. I do feel different than I did even 2 months ago, but it seems like the harder I try the worse shit gets. At this point, I would rather be drug behind a car by my testicles than endure the monotony of another day. At least that would be a change! Experiencing things that I have never experienced before.
I almost considered deactivating my cell phone. It is my one link to every person in the outside world. That is, outside my own meandering experiences. People know how to get a hold of me, I'm online almost every waking second of every day. I wake up, turn my computer on, I go to work on a computer, and log into two IM's and have email at both locations. The only time that I am not online is when I'm playing pool. My phone is the only thing that I have ALL THE TIME (except last night when I left my phone in the van that we went to Aberdeen in). It is the one way that people can contact me almost anytime of any given day. I almost don't want it anymore. OMG How bad does shit have to be for ME to consider dumping my livelihood? My one point of solid continuity between logging out at work and logging in at home or vice versa. It just seems that I have come to a point where I just don't care anymore. I want to be rid of the stress and depression and agony of the I'm-always-fine syndrome. I have been to this point before and it was thru countless hours of reading and solidarity that got me thru this shit last time.
Depression runs in cycles. Much like any mental illness. This part of the cycle is the worst for me. I just need to figure out how to break this cycle. I guess I could take the chain off. That broke by bicycle. Would that work? *sigh* I wish it was that easy.
I am cold. I have been for several days, I cannot seem to get warm. I go to sleep cold, wake up cold, even in the shower with hot water running over me, I am cold. Medically one would assume that it is due to lack of blood flow to my outer extremities. One must then presume that it is caused from lack of exertion and activity, but even with the hustle of cleaning or moving around, I am cold. I know not why. Maybe it has more to do with a mental cold rather than physical cold. This is gonna get pretty far fetched but bear with me. If it is because I am lonely (the mental chill) then nothing but non-loneliness will warm me. Having friends just does not cut it for me. I love my friends dearly, and would give my left nut if any needed it, but it just does not cure the bitter chill of loneliness.
Can you hear the sound of hysteria, the subliminal mind fuck, America? Welcome to a new kind of tension, all across the alien nation. Everything isn't meant to be okay. Television dreams of tomorrow. We're not the ones who are meant to follow...that's enough to argue.