Holy Cow

I think I have done nothing but dink off today. It (although very calm) has been a good day. I spend most of today emailing this other girl (we'll call her Anne{fake name}). Anne cracks me up, she is too funny. I would swear she is a natural blonde, except that she is a brunette. Oh way too funny though. So we talked about anything and nothing. Isn't that the best type of conversation? When anything comes up and turns into something funny. I must have laughed for an hour straight at one point. It was a welcome spice to a calm day.
The weather sucks, it's so windy and "blustery" one cannot stand to be outside for very long. I'm glad that I have an inside job. It's times like today though, that make me want to quit smoking.
Today is Thursday's Friday. A little concept I picked up from an individual named Zerrick, or Moises. Maybe even both. It goes something like this. If you drink or party, begin your routine of said activity Thursday night. Then you only have Friday to be "sick" or hungover. Once you get through Friday then you have Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night to party more. Really makes no sense but I look at it like this. Since I do not have to be at work till 2pm on Friday, if I stay up late Thursday, I can sleep in. Then I stay up late Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (Monday I don't work till 2 also). So it works well for me.
Onto more copious realms of existence. No I ain't gonna kill myself, fuck. Just talking about moving on to bigger and better things... And to see what I can do about this gal in Boise that seems interested/interesting.

Justice of the Peace

Today I am unusually calm. I'm not excited about anything, not really anticipating anything, not mad or sad, just calm.
Holy crap it has been a while since I gave a quote... not that anyone missed it, but here it is.

Todays Quote:

Author: John Stuart Mill

As long as justice and injustice have not terminated their ever renewing fight for ascendancy in the affairs of mankind, human beings must be willing, when need is, to do battle for the one against the other.

Cognitive Analysis

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Upon further analysis of my current situation and impending results, I have come to this conclusion. Well first let me explain the process, I started thinking about what position she is in right now. That position being financially strapped and living at home, in way over her head with this child, and likewise with a newer vehicle that she should not be making room for in her budget. Did that make sense? -K- Furthermore, she has had a child out of wed-lock, been married before (that does not bother me) and dropped a guy for wanting to move on with their relationship after 2 months. Now depending on what he wanted to move on with, this may be a little concerning. She is a sweetheart and I think she must have been humbled by the experiences that she has had so far in her life, she holds her tongue when necessary and is completely open. Many of these factors will play an important role in our relationship and some of them will not.
Then I started to think about my position in life. I am financially fucked, going through a divorce with two lawyer bills, child support, living expenses, and a bankruptcy for a huge amount of credit cards pending in the near future. I too have been humbled by many events in my past.

Conclusion: Neither one of us are financially capable of supporting a prosperous marriage or relationship. I don't really want to be with someone who has had a child out of wed-lock (as seemingly shallow as that is) it is very disheartening to know that although she now says that she does not want to go too fast, it seems that at some point it did not matter, or she was "dating" this guy for a damn long time. It is very important to me to have children within a marriage. Premarital sex is one thing but to not protect yourself while doing so is different. Next topic - Not that I want to "rush into" a relationship, however I certainly do not want it to take several years to build. I think it can be done much sooner than that. As stated previously, I think that any lasting relationship starts with loyalty and friendship, trust and honesty. I feel these are things that can be built, nurtured, and matured in less than one year (provided the circumstances are appropriate). I think what I am getting at is this: I feel like I am heading into this relationship blindfolded, with no information and no conviction from her that this is what she wants to make a go of. She seems very distant and although willing, does not make much time to spend together. She has never initiated a conversation, maybe one, and never suggested we do something together. This may just be part of her style of dating, it certainly is not part of mine.

I need something to occupy my time, so I can spend more time away from the stress of a relationship, concentrating on bettering myself and my situation, let her do the same and see where we are in a couple of months. I really hate that idea. As hard as it is for me to admit, I am lonely. I want someone who wants me back. I need someone to validate my existence and appreciate what I do and who I am. It seems that all I worry about is me. Constantly focused on what I want and what I need, of course my children come first, but then me. I wonder if, for a better person, I should focus on what other people need. Shit, It's 2:30, I gotta get to bed.

Paradise

Well, I think officially, I am calling it quits with this gal, I think she is way to preoccupied. Maybe a friendship is in order. I really don't want it that way. I don't think she is ready for a relationship, that bothers me too. We had lunch today, she was a little distant and not very talkative. She smiled a couple of times and was laughing with me (I love her smile and her laugh is to die for). We talked about networking her computers at home and never really discussed anything of value. It was nice, she would be a much better chat buddy than girlfriend. She would be a great friend and maybe someday it will grow to something larger than that. For now I will pursue other avenues. I crinch at even the thought of it. What am I doing? I am pushing away something I want worse than anything, because she is not ready. Should I wait till maybe she is? I am just a little confused, like a baby in a topless bar. Oh to do, to do....

WTF

K so she walks by my desk at work to talk with someone else and doesn't even glance my way or say hello, still no email and still no sign of life on the other side. Do I worry now or wait... Hmmm that is the ultimate burning question. I do not want to wait for inevitably it postpones your advance into the future. Time will pass you by and your still stagnantly sitting there doing nothing. I do not wish that to happen. I want to make this relationship work. I want a relationship, and would prefer it be with her. Why is it when someone is interested in me that they do not respond to my inquiries. They send me an email, I send one back and never get a reply. WTF! What is it that I do wrong, or is it something that I'm doing? Maybe it's not really or just that, if not I cannot deduce an alternative. I feel this gnawing ache to email her and ask her what she is thinking and how she would like to proceed. At this point I am so doubtful that she wants to that it scares me a little.

K- so I just talked to another co-worker of mine and she suggested this: write an email apologizing for being a little pushy about lunch yesterday, then DON"T send it but rather call her and apologize in person. The email is just practice to get out what I really want to say, so here goes...
I just wanted to apologize for being too aggressive when asking you to lunch yesterday. I didn't even realize that I was until you said something about it. For that I am also regretful. My last intention in the world is to upset you, as I know you have enough on your plate already. I am deeply sorry if I offended you or upset you in any way. Please accept my apology.

--- well I went ahead and sent that to her. I eagerly await a reply, hoping that I get one that is.

Whoo hooo, got a reply,
you did not offend or upset me :) no worries, k? I'd tell you if I felt pushed or you made me mad or anything.
so that''s good I spose. That makes me a little more curious as to wtf is really goin' on and why she ignored me this morning... hmm

More laterz

Mind Games

Well, I decided to give her some "time alone" and she has not attempted to contact me tonight. She knows my personal email, work email, cell phone number, chat screen name (I was online all night), and she knows where I live. Okay for hellz sake, what does it take. Here's my plan. I'm gonna wait to contact her until she contacts me, if that means I don't talk to her for several days... I guess that's how it is. Sucks but I think that will be the best way to see if she is trying to avoid me. FUCK! Am I being paranoid.... Shit. I am so distraught right now... What was it, "deprived of sound judgment?" damn it, did I say I'm not big into dating?

oh hell

maybe I should just let this whole fucking thing go. I get so frustrated with "dating games." Again, I feel this drastic of a move is very premature (ew, there I go again with that word). If this works out, I would go to the ends of the earth for this woman. She has had a hard enough life and it's high time she got treated like the princess she is. Although there may be someone out there who can do a better job than I, I would love to try my heart out.

I guess all I'm saying is that I really hate mind games. Especially ones I don't understand!

Drama

Okay, lots of drama... Here goes. I asked her over to my place for dinner (I cooked T-bones and baked taters) she respectfully declined stating she had to have her hair done (some highlights or dying or something). Her mother was suppose to do it Sunday night. Her sister apparently ended up doing it. K- sounds legit enough. The next thing that happened was today when I asked to take her to lunch after her scheduled shift at work. I was just gonna take my lunch and go to Arab's with her. She has another legit reason that follows: she needed to fill out some paperwork for state approval for Medicaid or CHIP or something. Although I do not believe there is a deadline for this to be done, she seemed to want to go there really bad. The state office closes at 5 pm, we would have had lunch from 3:30 to about 4:00, was it that she did not have enough time or was it that she didn't want to go with me to lunch?
Summary: This is twice she has declined to be with me. Now, here's where the drama comes in... Do I take a hint from this and quit pursuing her or is it a valid reason and I continue to pursue? Both "excuses" (for lack of a better word) could be valid or could be fabricated... What the hell is a guy to do? Are these mind games or cogent responses.

Beyond that, two things... First, she has stated that she would like to spend more time together. Second, I am entering her life and she is very busy (especially with a one year old to take care of). I completely understand the busy schedule of a single mother. Likewise I also understand that she cannot and will not drop everything to spend time with me. At this point in her life there are so many things more important to her survival than dating.

Side note: she also told me in two separate conversations that she was never married to her babies father and that she had been married before and is now divorced. Thought provoking.

So, my main issues are: does she or does she not want to spend time together? And, do I or do I not continue to pursue a relationship? DRAMA!!!

As you can probably tell, if you've read my entire blog, I am not a person to "date" many people at once. I prefer to take things really slowly with one person and, pending the outcome, not move on until said relationship ends. I am huge on trust and friendship and believe that there is no better way to start a lasting relationship. I would love, more than anything, to be in a steady relationship, no games, making a life for myself and my love. I earnestly believe that she could be the woman, albeit to early to really tell.

I just wish things were a little more clear. I wish I could send her this letter:

Dear XOXOXO,
I feel like we are "playing games", If you really do not wish to be around me please say so, so we can both get on with our lives. If there are no games, and you would like to make a shot at this relationship please let me know when you would like to get together, you know my schedule. I would love to give our relationship the best start possible. If playing games is on the agenda please count me out.
With the utmost respect and love,
XOXOXO

Just sounds too harsh and too early.

One reply from a friend is as follows:
"many a time I have been in that very situation rather recently I might add. I wish I could give you a definitive answer about this but there isn't. As many thing in life you have to shoot from the hip. Now this is going to be totally hypocritical but you are being a little self-conscious and self doubting and women don't find that exactly attractive.
I do understand exactly how you feel because I have been there my advice to you would be first off don't you dare send her that letter and secondly its not how you spend your time apart but how you spend it together. I know I am not telling you anything you already don't know but reinforcement of ones ideals is important in life
peace"

Thank you for that, my almighty friend. I understand what your saying and will do my best at being a little less self-conscience. My only fear is getting 2 months or 2 years into this relationship only to find out, she doesn't want me and I could have ended it now after only a few days. But, there I go again, being very premature in my assumptions.

What a weekend.

Well today I went on a lunch date, although I'm debating if you could even call it that. It was just lunch with a cute girl from work. She has a one year old girl that had her birthday yesterday, and got her ears pierced... She is sooo cute! But anyway so I had Jordan and Ethan (my two oldest) with me today and took them to lunch with us. It was a blast watching them play. Then the WORST thing that could have happened, did. My Ex-wife shows up and is "having lunch" at the same place we went... We'll just put that down under emotionally scaring and leave it at that. I must have apologized two or three times, it was SO wrong!!! GOD. Please never let that happen again.

Back to my "date", I love seeing her, she is always equipped with a great attitude and that beautiful smile! DAMN! I have been acquainted with her since before I graduated high school and was dating one of her friends. I always thought that I would never have a chance with her (she is way too pretty for me). BUT DAMN! She actually agreed to go lunch, and at lunch also agreed to a dinner sometime (yet to be announced). I was/am more excited than I have ever been (at least in the last what, 7 years). I have always tried to date within my averageness, careful not to overstep my lot in life and therefore dated very few people, none as beautiful as she. She lights me up, and gives me that validation that I talked about earlier and crave so much. (can I stop thinking about her or talking about her please, I seem to be obsessed). As near to infatuation as one person can get to another without being infatuated, that's me. Sitting here with very little else on my mind. Yup that's me, deprived of sound judgment. Oh how I love the little butterflies and the anticipation of dating. It has been so long for me, I almost forgot what they felt like. Welcome back butterflies (as crazy as that makes you think I am, bring it on.) Hell I don't know what else to write about... All I can think of is her and I don't think she knows or understands what my full thought processes entail. I would love to (within due time of course) marry this woman and be with her for the rest of my life.... We'll see though, cause until I get to know her a little more, she could just be psyco and I'm missing all of the signs, this goes back to the impared judgment as stated previously. As close as I can get to "love" I think this may be it. Course now that I think about it, I sorta felt that way about my ex-wife also but she really is a psyco. DAMN IT, every corner I turn that bitch keeps crawlin up my shit hole and into my brain. Well, enough for now.

I just recently discovered something very interesting about myself. I am unsure if this discovery is new or I just forgot about it a long, long time ago. Here goes. My entire attitude in life and about life revolves around my feelings for others and the mutual return of said feelings. I validate my life by the people that I know and the people that like me.

I am not crooked, nor am I stalwart. I am somewhere in between, I feel a need to be more valorous in my daily doings, and yet I fight with myself to pay an attorney that is crooked. Even though, according to the law he dutifully earned the money he is owed. I feel betrayed by trusting him. He was my divorce attorney and as such, I expected certain actions and behaviors from him (I think I may have been a little mislead, as I was told, "He is the best there is.") There is a certain lack of personal satisfaction that comes from feeling the need to short him on the bill. Although I do NOT feel that he earned what he charged, especially considering that he did not help me the way that he was suppose to. Isn't it up to your lawyer to tell you things about a contract that you may not know? Isn't it up the him also to make clear any and ALL stipulations in said contract... before signing? He didn't. Needless to say, I almost signed something that wasn't even close to what I wanted, and would have, in the end, ruined me. For this I feel like a crooked person. Even through the life I lead, I cannot justify paying him. This is my concern.

Back to my personal validation, I feel that people like me because I am "me". I am a fun person to be around, yet seem to be having more and more "bad days" since the aforementioned divorce proceedings began. Something about divorce that turns people, once loving and kind to distant, strange people that most have no desire to be around. For those of you that stuck with me and are sticking with me, it means more to me than anything. Words will never even begin to describe my gratitude. I owe it solely to these people who help me out, my new clutch on life. I am beginning (yesterday in fact) to understand what it is that people see in me and will devote my life to improving those things. I will focus on the best vitamin for making friends - - - B1.

My Affirmation
Be the best friend that I can be!
Be supportive of those in need!
Help where help is needed!
With my new clutch on life I will be a better person!

Hatred Quote

Todays Quote:

Author: The Dhammapada, Verse 197

Let us live in joy, never hating those who hate us. Let us
live in freedom, without hatred even among those who hate.

[I think this is trying to tell us that hating only breads hatred, and hatred breads eternal. Lets stop hatred today!]

Oy Vea

another day down.... i've decided i am gonna start putting a quote in here or a joke every day... we'll see how well that goes.

First Quote:

Author: Unknown

It's not what you know, that will get you by in life; it's who you know.

[I love this quote because it is sooooo true... the longer I live the more i find out i don't know everything, and need others to substatiate my personal beliefs, feelings and thoughts]

Another Awesome quote:

Author: Adam Michnik

Start doing the things you think should be done, and start being what you think society should become.
Do you believe in free speech? Then speak freely.
Do you love the truth? Then tell it.
Do you believe in an open society? Then act in the open.
Do you believe in a decent and humane society? Then behave decently and humanely.

[This quote is cool because it portrays an idealizm that many people love and would love to be, but are not.]

Wow

Okay so I found this really good quote, so today I add 2
Second Quote:

Author: The Dhammapada, Verse 173

When his good deeds overcome his bad, a man gives light
To the world like the moon breaking free from behind
the clouds.

[this is a good quote.... Very thought provoking... I like that!]

Ew, Fighting... EW!

Well, today my roommates got into it before I left for work.. ya know, I just love when it's not me that someone is mad at. Course, often enough I get my share... Damn.

Work is kewl. Lots of dinkin off to be done by all, I have many things that I wish to do in life and this job is very copesetic to them all! Yeah!

I will have to figure out a way to link to my pictures of my children... oh so kewl!! My boys are wonderful, and my daughter is very sweet. My oldest is 5, middle is almost 2 and youngest is 7 months. Pictures to come.

I am so sick and tired of not having as much money as is necessary to live the life I've imagined for myself... this comes part from lazyness part from lack of opportunity (or is opportunity just hard work in disguise) (or is hard work just opportunity disguised?) hmmm thought provoking. Interesting.

So anyway.

oh back to my computer, i am going to have it "appraised" so as to give me a price that it is worth now... keeping in mind it cost me about $650 to build. hmm this will also be interesting...

more to come....

I want some thoughts on what to "blog" about, got any good ones? Thanks...

In the meantime, I will make this my thoughts page for whatever.... Here I go:

Work today was very slow, kinda melancholy, and a little draggy. I have very little on my "to-do" list and even less deadlines to meet. To be a little more specific, I have NO deadlines.... It sucks. I have no sense of accomplishment and even worse, tons of down-town (I hate down-town, too boring).

Life is okay, bills are paid... Divorce is coming along... And my children love me.

I drive a piece of crap car and love it... it is a car that I can mud around in, take over jumps and genuinely dink off with. I paid $400 for it and have no regrets yet.

I am into computers and tweaking. I built computers for my close friends and family and with I could get a job related to that. My current computer specs are as follows (and I am so proud, built this system for around $650):

AMD Athlon XP 2600+ (Volcano 8)
19" Flat CRT Monitor
GeForce FX 5600 256MB 8X AGP
768 MB DDR PC2100
WinTV-FM Tuner Card (with remote)
180GB Hard Drive
5 fan HD cooler
DVD+/-RW RAM CDRW Drive
DVD Rom
Vantec 84.1CFM case fan
Wireless Keyboard & Mouse
Dobly Digital 5.1 Surround

Oh man I love that computer! More on that laterz.