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Upon further analysis of my current situation and impending results, I have come to this conclusion. Well first let me explain the process, I started thinking about what position she is in right now. That position being financially strapped and living at home, in way over her head with this child, and likewise with a newer vehicle that she should not be making room for in her budget. Did that make sense? -K- Furthermore, she has had a child out of wed-lock, been married before (that does not bother me) and dropped a guy for wanting to move on with their relationship after 2 months. Now depending on what he wanted to move on with, this may be a little concerning. She is a sweetheart and I think she must have been humbled by the experiences that she has had so far in her life, she holds her tongue when necessary and is completely open. Many of these factors will play an important role in our relationship and some of them will not.
Then I started to think about my position in life. I am financially fucked, going through a divorce with two lawyer bills, child support, living expenses, and a bankruptcy for a huge amount of credit cards pending in the near future. I too have been humbled by many events in my past.
Conclusion: Neither one of us are financially capable of supporting a prosperous marriage or relationship. I don't really want to be with someone who has had a child out of wed-lock (as seemingly shallow as that is) it is very disheartening to know that although she now says that she does not want to go too fast, it seems that at some point it did not matter, or she was "dating" this guy for a damn long time. It is very important to me to have children within a marriage. Premarital sex is one thing but to not protect yourself while doing so is different. Next topic - Not that I want to "rush into" a relationship, however I certainly do not want it to take several years to build. I think it can be done much sooner than that. As stated previously, I think that any lasting relationship starts with loyalty and friendship, trust and honesty. I feel these are things that can be built, nurtured, and matured in less than one year (provided the circumstances are appropriate). I think what I am getting at is this: I feel like I am heading into this relationship blindfolded, with no information and no conviction from her that this is what she wants to make a go of. She seems very distant and although willing, does not make much time to spend together. She has never initiated a conversation, maybe one, and never suggested we do something together. This may just be part of her style of dating, it certainly is not part of mine.
I need something to occupy my time, so I can spend more time away from the stress of a relationship, concentrating on bettering myself and my situation, let her do the same and see where we are in a couple of months. I really hate that idea. As hard as it is for me to admit, I am lonely. I want someone who wants me back. I need someone to validate my existence and appreciate what I do and who I am. It seems that all I worry about is me. Constantly focused on what I want and what I need, of course my children come first, but then me. I wonder if, for a better person, I should focus on what other people need. Shit, It's 2:30, I gotta get to bed.
Upon further analysis of my current situation and impending results, I have come to this conclusion. Well first let me explain the process, I started thinking about what position she is in right now. That position being financially strapped and living at home, in way over her head with this child, and likewise with a newer vehicle that she should not be making room for in her budget. Did that make sense? -K- Furthermore, she has had a child out of wed-lock, been married before (that does not bother me) and dropped a guy for wanting to move on with their relationship after 2 months. Now depending on what he wanted to move on with, this may be a little concerning. She is a sweetheart and I think she must have been humbled by the experiences that she has had so far in her life, she holds her tongue when necessary and is completely open. Many of these factors will play an important role in our relationship and some of them will not.
Then I started to think about my position in life. I am financially fucked, going through a divorce with two lawyer bills, child support, living expenses, and a bankruptcy for a huge amount of credit cards pending in the near future. I too have been humbled by many events in my past.
Conclusion: Neither one of us are financially capable of supporting a prosperous marriage or relationship. I don't really want to be with someone who has had a child out of wed-lock (as seemingly shallow as that is) it is very disheartening to know that although she now says that she does not want to go too fast, it seems that at some point it did not matter, or she was "dating" this guy for a damn long time. It is very important to me to have children within a marriage. Premarital sex is one thing but to not protect yourself while doing so is different. Next topic - Not that I want to "rush into" a relationship, however I certainly do not want it to take several years to build. I think it can be done much sooner than that. As stated previously, I think that any lasting relationship starts with loyalty and friendship, trust and honesty. I feel these are things that can be built, nurtured, and matured in less than one year (provided the circumstances are appropriate). I think what I am getting at is this: I feel like I am heading into this relationship blindfolded, with no information and no conviction from her that this is what she wants to make a go of. She seems very distant and although willing, does not make much time to spend together. She has never initiated a conversation, maybe one, and never suggested we do something together. This may just be part of her style of dating, it certainly is not part of mine.
I need something to occupy my time, so I can spend more time away from the stress of a relationship, concentrating on bettering myself and my situation, let her do the same and see where we are in a couple of months. I really hate that idea. As hard as it is for me to admit, I am lonely. I want someone who wants me back. I need someone to validate my existence and appreciate what I do and who I am. It seems that all I worry about is me. Constantly focused on what I want and what I need, of course my children come first, but then me. I wonder if, for a better person, I should focus on what other people need. Shit, It's 2:30, I gotta get to bed.
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