Because I said so, Damnit!

Life
What is life except the absence of death? Therefore death is the absence of life. There is also an in-between area that I'm going to call life before death. It's that split second before you die, for some it may last hours, days or even weeks. That moment when you know what is going to happen before it does. You can feel your spirit let go of your body and you are all but lifeless. When you reach this point you know with all certainty that you are going and there is nothing that can stop you. What if, at that moment, when your spirit leaves your body another spirit joins hands with yours and together you ascend to heaven. There is a body left here without a spirit, without a soul. Can a person live like that? They say that some serial killers have no soul. Is this what happened to them years ago?
Death
It's nothing new to me or my family. Why is the possibility of death so hard for me to bare? Why do I feel like I am the one that is dying? That is not right. At two am this morning I felt my soul leave my body. Something was very wrong, something happened. It has yet to return. I am able to move even thru the weakness and I'm able to think, even thru the cloud. I feel different. My emotions are not vibrant like they have always been. I feel things but they are dull. Even my hunger is dull. I could not eat if I wanted to anyway. When I heard the news this morning, I cried. My tears were black, there was no sparkle to them. They stung like sand.
I have been practicing and studying different ways to relax. I know how to effectively relax most of my body. I laid down to relax but nothing would. Almost as if, although I control my body, there is a tension that I cannot control. An ache that is beyond my ability.

This section is my dedication to my friends. Sort of a 'thank you' to all my friends for what you all do for me. So that if anything like this happens to anyone else, they will know how I feel.

LJ - You have taught me some of life's most important lessons. You are true in a world that seems so fake. I honor you, I respect you, I love you. You are more than the silver lining on the cloud, you are the sunshine that makes the clouds disappear. You make my soul sing. As your friend I could never ask anything more of you than you have given, but please, I beg of you, allow me the time to show my appreciation. Wo ai ni.

Grass - You are a friend beyond any other. To help when it's needed and sometimes when it is merely wanted. You are always there for me, I hope you feel that I return that friendship. Find your lust for life, embrace it and never let go. LYLAB

GT5000 - Even as misguided as I believe you are sometimes - your heart is always in the right place. With a heart like yours you must be one of God's angels. LYLAS

Ice - Our relationship is one built on many neggy conversations and counseling sessions. You are my beckon of light. Believe me when I say, you have helped me more than I have you. I just hope that eventually I can be your beckon, instead of the flashlight I seem to be now. LYLAS

The Doc Phildo - I have yet to see a man with your character or moral fiber. Your heart is big enough for everyone, and you use it very wisely. Lust not, my friend, after earthly possessions nor women, for when the time comes for your relationship to blossom it will be in full bloom for the rest of your life and hereafter. Every year you grow, you become more of a man. You are twice the man that I am. I strive to have your morals and I stand to learn so much from your character. Stand by your morals, my brother, be patient and always virtuous and one day, may you receive all that you ask for and more. You are one of God's soldiers, there are so few. Stand your ground MAN! The battle is long and the scars are deep, but in the end YOU will be next to God. LYLAB

S and S W - My source of envy, you two mean as much to me as my own parents. To take me in when I was a scared young man, push me to grow, and allow my faults, you have helped me beyond what you know. It also shows a character set that you have put into your children. I envy what you two have built together, as far as a relationship, a family, and a home. A home that I have always considered part of my own. You have shown me love, when I thought love didn't exist. Your lives will always inspire me to be more than I am, to continue growing, and to never give up hope. In the ongoing war to keep children off drugs, out of our jails and into our churches, you both are honestly Knights of the Round Table. I commend and love you as my own.

Gloria n Dave - In my short time of getting to know you, I can already tell that you have hearts bigger than you let on. Your love for your friends is astounding. I entered your life at a time that is harder than you should ever have to endure, and yet still, you show me more courtesy and kindness than I would ask from anyone. You both have something to be very proud of, each other. I hope this is the beginning to a long friendship, you both are awesome people. Thank you for being there for me when no one else can be.

Double D - For someone that mirrors me more exactly than I do, I thank you for pointing out my flaws and assisting me in my quest to become a better person. Your friendship has meant so much to me! I wish we had more time to keep each other company when the battle with women becomes unbearable. I feel your pain, and know your struggles. Fight on my friend. Only you can wage this war, don't give up. There are many battles ahead and the war continues on, but you will win if you persevere. I'm with you buddy, hang in there.

Drama - Need I say more than the name? I luv u girl! You have come so far in the time that I've known you. You are a good friend to many and an inspiration to all. God is watching over you.

Can I not be me?

She was awake for less than 24 hours. She has sombered back into her coma. I can see the darkness closing in. My vision is becoming that of a tunnel. When I close my eyes, I see her face. When I open my eyes, I see her eyes; that radiant blue glow that used to provide solace to my soul, now causes it more pain than I have ever known. Her eyes are closing, I fear that I may never again feel that bliss and joy that I found in her. There is a connection that is beyond lust, and beyond love, a connection when two souls meet and form a bond closer and tighter than any, this is the type of connection that I shared with her. My soul and spirit have been broken for many months perhaps years, there has been a knawing deadness inside of me for a long time, a deadness that she was able to lift. I had found my luster for life, my passion for being, and a reason to set goals, I was me again. For the first time in years, I was me. I am not me, today. I don't know who I am, but it is not me. I have become a darkness.

God, this post is for you.

You know, better than anyone, that she has made a difference on this earth, we need her here. Please don't take her. GOD, I BEG YOU. Take me instead. Her daughter needs her mommy. Just take me. The pain of death pales in comparison to the pain I have right now. There is so much more good she can do here. Allow her the glory of raising her daughter and being the mother that she wants, and needs to be. Don't take that from her. Don't take her from all the people that love her. It can not be her time yet. Please. I am begging you. What lesson do you want to teach me by allowing me to get so close to her and then tearing her from my grasp. Please give her the breath of life that you have shown so many times. I am asking for a miracle. You know me, God, I don't do that. I do not ask for things that are not important. Her life is important to countless people. And to the most important, her daughter. Do not do this to her. She deserves a mother, and who better to be that person than the one you chose. She is the perfect mother for her only daughter. God, if you won't take me, give me the pain she is going thru right now, allow me to shoulder that, at least. She does not deserve to die, and she certainly does not deserve the pain.

Candle Time.

*In many different traditions lighting candles is a sacred action. It expresses more than words can express. It has to do with gratefulness. From time immemorial, people have lit candles in sacred places. Why should cyberspace not be sacred?
You may want to begin or end your day by the sacred ritual of lighting a candle on this website. Or you may want to light a birthday candle for a friend. One single guideline is all you need: Slow down and do it with full attention. * taken from gratefulness.org.

My candle is lit for a woman that I love, she is struggling with cancer and is in a coma. I light this candle in reflection of who she is & what she has brought into my life.

You may light your own candle at http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/enter.cfm

This came to me by a friend. Thank you Dave.

Things would be different.

My mind aches of nothingness. I have nothing to hold onto. My faith in life is diminishing. My eyes are swollen. My body is too dehydrated to cry anymore. The pain is deeper than I could have ever imagined. It pulls tears from the pit of my stomach and forces them out. My muscles are tense from stress and my head constantly burns. Even though I try to occupy myself, I think about her constantly. My mind refuses to be redirected. Life has become a trough of pain; sprinkled lightly with shards of hope that seem to hurt more than help. Hope will only take you so far, not very far, and in the end you get nowhere. I'm done with hope.
God, this is in your hands, as it has always been. I have always trusted you with my life and now I must trust you with hers. I trust that you know what's best, and that you will help me thru whatever decision you make; even, as bad as it hurts. Please God, you have had her for more than a week, I want her back! If you must take her, please allow me just 60 more years with her, that's all I ask. Please! She means the world to me. Please don't force me to go on without her. I can't bare it. It is slowly tearing the heart out of my body. I feel like a darkness is creeping inside of me. A darkness that I cannot sequester or master. I pray that you will lift the darkness from the one I love and then also from myself. God, you know that I love you and trust you, unconditionally, I merely ask this favor of you because your child is in need. She needs your help. I need your help.
Finally... I have reached a day whereby all those memories mean more to me than anything ~ And still, all this while you are not forgotten, and never will you be. I will always know your smile and anticipate the next time I will see it. I understood, that we have chosen different paths in our lives... Will our paths ever intertwine again? If I were to ask God to give me another chance, to let me go back to the past, can we restart our story... again? If I could just redo the last 6 years, oh how things would be different.

People say that when someone dies, they get one second to review their whole life. But I have 2 seconds, because the other second fully belongs to you. --Wong Hei, A Matter of Customs

The meek shall inherit pain.

My heart aches in ways I have never felt before. The tears don't stop. I am scared. I want to crawl in a hole until this is all over. I pray harder and longer than I have ever prayed in my life. God be with us all.

God, I beg you.

Couter WHAT?

So, I was having a conversation with a white couter-loving friend of mine (who denies she is bi), and she says, and I quote,"I was making shit up in my head and taking it the wrong way." When questioned about her remark she merely stated, "I dno, I was making it up"
I LMMFAO for 20 minutes... When I called to clarify the statement, I laughed for another 40. She still claims she isn't bi, although allegedly she has, full on, made out with a woman on more than one occasion.

Damn, I am THAT good!

I commented on the Tron's blog today, and I thought the comment was SO profound, that I had to also post it on my blog.
You know the Jizr is ALWAYS good for some advice. Here it is. Pursue your dream, and one day, your dream will pursue you. I like to explain it like this, if you follow your heart and go for your dreams, eventually your dreams will jump you like a homeboy on a white boy. That's just the way it is. You chase something until it catches you. You never can really catch your dreams, they catch you, when the timing is right, and you are deserving. But you have to show that you want it. Chase that dream like you will die without it.

This is the purest love.

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.
A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes. He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks. Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road for those of his own who will follow him.)
A father is a person who goes to war sometimes ... and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him).
Fathers grow older faster than normal people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board. And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam outside -- and die inside.
Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.
Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office, workshop, job site, or on the road. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.
Knights in shining armor; fathers in shining trousers. There's little difference as they march away each workday.I don't know where a father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait. He'll be busy there too -- repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, and smoothing the way for the girl he's loved and the children she bore. ~by Paul Harvey~

Things are not what they appear.

Facades... Let me just start with that. It is human nature to put up a front, facade, bluff, disguise, mask, pretense, semblance, or whatever you want to call it. Everyone does it to different varying degrees. The true art of love is to see past the fakeness and into the real person behind it all. When you fall in love with a semblance of someone, you cannot truly love that person, because you only love that particular part of them. Tron, I think this was the downfall of the J relationship. Sometimes we are not given a choice. It is also human nature to protect oneself, from any and all threats that are out there. Hence, the barriers that are put in place when a relationship fails. There are many ways we do this and sometimes even unknowingly.
To love someone unconditionally, you must know them, the true them including any and all facades that they employ. By default we usually act differently in a work atmosphere than when we are with friends at home. That is a facade, one of many that people use. Acting more professional than we are naturally is usually required of us by our employer. Since jobs are a part of life we have began to accept this as normal behavior. What if it's not normal. What if the changes we go thru for employment are a part of what sculpts us all.
I once was told by a very close, trusted friend that if you wish to change your behaviors or thoughts, "Fake it till you make it!" If you wish to be more kind, act more kind until it is so deeply ingrained in you that you do it naturally. If you wish to be more professional, act it until it becomes a part of you. I have passed these words of advice to many who will listen and to fewer who will actually heed those wise words of counsel. But, is that not in fact, operating on a facade? Once you become the facade you are putting up, it is no longer just a facade tho. It becomes part of your root, part of who you are.
People change. This is just one of the ways that it happens. Have you noticed that after you have a job for several years, it becomes part of you. Your behaviors change because of the professionalism you have come to accept as normal. Or, in the case of other professions, the lack of professionalism becomes normal. Either way, you are better off or not, because of what you have experienced and how that has changed your life and outlook. I do not believe that people always change for the better. Another fact of life.
I guess the question is this: Are you willing to 'fake it till you make it'? Do you want to change how you are?

A little study that I ran into I must share with my readers.
The leg of a baby elephant is tied with a rope to a wooden post planted in the ground. The rope confines the baby elephant to an area determined by the length of the rope. Initially the baby elephant tries to break the rope, but the rope is too strong. The baby elephant "learns" that it can't break the rope. When the elephant grows up into a ten-ton colossus, it could easily break the same rope. But because it "learned" that it couldn't break the rope when it was a baby, it believes that it still can't break the rope, so it doesn't even try. So the largest elephant can be confined by the puniest little rope.
The same holds true for horses. Once a horses 'spirit' has been broken it will allow a saddle, bridle, spurs and the use of any other pain-causing device we can dream up to keep in manageable. Horses are naturally wild and free. As are we, naturally. Our spirit gets broken early, just like the horse. We are trained that we must obey our parents, schools, jobs, government, ect. What does that tell you about being human? Can we return to being 'free' after being setup for restrictions and limitations? Can you take a domesticated horse and turn it wild? I have not found a study that states one way or the other, but I'm fairly certain it would not end well. We have confinements setup by our parents, schools, jobs, government, ect. Some of these restrictions/guidelines are indeed, to help or protect us. Does it mean that they are always right for every individual? Good question, huh?! I certainly would not (as I've stated previously) recommend that you intentionally break any or all of these, but I would recommend that you analyze for yourself why you are adhering to these guidelines. Is it because it has been programmed in you to adhere? Do you have a choice?

Once last little thing... If you notice the quotes on the left side of my page, you will also notice that they change very frequently. Todays quote was awesome!

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. - Richard Bach

B E W A R E ! ! !

I read an awesome short story, I have to share it with you! Lets just say, be careful what you wish for, click here for the short story written by s_i_n_a_l_i_t_t_l_e

How much do YOU love the Jizr?

How does one create interest when none exists. Monotony is a problem that I fight daily. It makes me want to scream and cry. I need spice. I used to have that, maybe that was the reason I was married for as long as I was. Being married to her, broke the monotony of the day. Granted, it was a bad change for a standard day, but it was change. In analyzing my marriage, I am continuously faced with different ideas and ways of looking at things. I read in a book that you can determine the submissive and dominant roles in a relationship by studying the sexual patterns of the couple. If that is the case, I can definitely see how I played in as a passive role in our entire marriage. A role that will not be repeated. The book also states that you should identify what behaviors led to those roles and avoid them. In exchange, use a more neutral more equal role and discuss decisions that effect the both of you. That is the ideal way it should be from what I understand. How plausible is it to have a relationship that is completely equitable tho. Is it? I have no answer for that, but I can say that it would be possible and depending on how the two people work together it may in fact be very plausible. Will it happen? Good question.
I wish I had a fly on the wall my entire 5 years of marriage to tell me all the little things that I did wrong. I want to fix them all. I want to become a better person and I think the best way to start that is to start with the things I have done wrong... In order to know those things, I have to think about them. No one seems to be able to tell me, or they don't want to. I think of myself as a person that is (for the most part) easy to talk to. I don't think of it as confrontational if someone comes up to me and points out a fault in my character. It would actually be very helpful. People sometimes tell me I am an asshole, but never give me specifics. It's hard to work on something when it is true for a certain circumstance and not for another. Let me know what you think, K!
I would also like to take a moment to bring up a more serious topic. For those of you that are strongly opposed to confrontation, please ignore or don't read what is about to be said. With that, I will continue. In an effort to better myself, I have come to a point where I cannot analyze my own thought patters and behaviors any longer, so I would like everyone who reads this to (even anonymously) send me an email with what flaws you see in my moral fiber or character. I may not change them immediately or ever, but I would like to know how I am viewed by others, and more importantly, what flaws you can point out. No one is perfect, so I expect to hear from everyone! There is a link to email me at the bottom of each post, emails can be completely anonymous. For my sanity, please send one.

The Jizr appreciates your time and efforts in helping me become more successful!

Onto better things... Things don't have to be extraordinary to be beautiful. The ordinary could be just as beautiful.

It's a Thursday night, it's snowing and very cold. There is no reason to be outdoors tonight but there they stand, wrapped around each other like vines crawling toward the sun. Today is different than most. She got first place in her competition and they are celebrating at her favorite outdoor cafe. They wait in line for their order. It seems like hours. Her head is burried deep in his chest, his arms are wrapped tightly around her in an effort to keep out the cold. His feeble attempt warms her heart but not her skin. She casts a glance up at him. Feeling her body shift he looks down to her. She cracks a grin, as if to say, "I love you." He leans over and gently kisses her. Her lips are very cold, as are his. The order is done, they wrap like tinfoil around their drinks. The move on, continuing the embrace even as they walk thru the cold. She steps on his feet and they both laugh about her clumsiness that has become a joke between them. You can tell that she feels safe, wrapped around him.
To them, the cold does not exist, love keeps them warm. Even as they begin to get wet from the snow in their boots, their hearts are on fire. Love is a very powerful thing. It moves the unmovable, breaks the unbreakable, and heals even the worst of wounds. Love seems to be addicting, those who have it, want more. Those who don't have it, will do anything to get it. Sounds to me like it should be illegal. ;)

dEsTiNy?

I have a few words for my good friend, destiny. Eat your heart out! What has destiny led me to? Try this on for size: 10 awesome friends, 9 empty Mountain Dew cans, 8 half full packs of Marlboros, 7 ex-girlfriends, 6 beautiful sisters, 5 gold rings, 4 strapping brothers, 3 wonderful children, 2 adoring fans, and a royal pain in the ass of an ex-wife. HUH! How bout that for a little jingle?! Bling Bling! Ain't got nuthin on ME!

Help Me, PLEASE!

I have yet to speak to any nay-sayers regarding my relocation. As some of you know I have recently been confronted with a seemingly difficult decision. Whether or not I move 300 miles away from my children, in hopes of a brighter future, better job opportunities and endless Mountain Dew. Life brings such difficulty forth when you are caught in a struggle between doing what is right and doing what is right for you. I (brief pause for dramatic affect), wonder if this is what I am meant to do. Is it possible that there is a higher power controlling things? How does one believe in fate when the series of events that have transpired leave you wanting? I must admit that I have never been left needing, at least not for long. Life seems to provide for those who persevere and struggle on. What has life got in store for me? The comment from last night on my blog has given me new things to think about... I am really liking this beautiful talented young lady, and yet in the midst of all the chaos, turmoil, unsteadiness and longing, she provides for me the intestinal fortitude that is required to muster a smile. She pulls laughs from the pit of my gut, and lifts me up. So the question remains, do I uproot my red oak in search for better soil. Should I cut the existing roots, for the chance to grow new ones, better ones, stronger ones? The likelihood of regretting the relocation is slim. Larger is the margin of regret for the stagnation that I have grown to love. I will also admit that I am scared. Scared of what may happen, scared of what I would be leaving behind. Is it really human nature to leave your roots when they have become so firmly planted in the soil of your home? Is it human nature? I should do this because it will provide a better future for my children, better job opportunities for me, means better conditions for my children. It also means a happier, healthier life for me, which in turn, means I would be happier around my children, thereby giving them more happiness as well.

Here is my concern. It is human nature to want that which you do not or can not have. Will this leave me searching for something I may never get anyway? Will it be completely fruitless. Will I learn to call that place home? I tried already once and due to a large foreseen circumstance, ended up in the very spot I was running from. That shan't happen again. How does one do that? Move from one location to somewhere 300 miles away. I am a very close knit type of person. My friends and family are very important to me, it just so happens that I have both friends and family at both locations.

What am I doing? It seems the more I talk about this it sounds like I'm trying to talk myself out of it. NO! I want to go, I am trying to see if this is the best decision for me and all who are concerned. If I move, there are many things to take care of before said event takes place. I have about 4 weeks. Within that month I must conclude my indecisiveness and either pack. Believe me when I say that last sentence was left like that on purpose. I do not solidify my findings until I have at least two more weeks to be indecisive.

Clear The Fire

I cannot believe that I have let my blog go so long without an update. So much has happened, I'm at a loss for a beginning. As you all well know, I have fallen in like with a woman from another realm. A realm we'll call, "Canada." I swear on all I believe she must be imaginary. The more we talk, the more enthralled I become. It's almost a trance, no... a mindless meandering, yes... wandering aimlessly until I found a rejuvenating well of life. It's odd really, the foresight that friends can have. Thank you Kini for the chance to reunite with an old friend. Ode to old friends! I was about to go to bed, it was 3:20am, I was sitting at my table having a leisurely smoke, when I sparked. It almost hurt. But out of that spark came the poem I post today. It is an ode to other realms.

Clear The Fire

I opened my eyes and there you were,
Now I gaze and see your face.
I opened my heart and you've shown the way,
Life is sweeter with a slower pace.

You speak of living in the moment,
What better moment than now?
Please close your eyes and escape with me,
To the dream I've found, somehow.

Majestic mountains with peaks of white,
Graze comfortably in the clouds.
I'll lift you up so we can look down,
And clear, for a moment, the crowds.

Just you and I above the noise,
And the mustn'ts and shouldn'ts of life.
If only for a moment, come with me,
And forget your worries and strife.

How perfectly you entered my life,
When I most needed a friend.
I am eternally grateful for you,
And the tears that you mend.

My wish for you, my dear, dear friend,
Is everlasting clout,
You are much stronger than anyone,
To that, there is not doubt.

I merely wish to have an escape,
That is there when you desire,
Just open your mind and come with me,
And for a moment, clear the fire.

Jizr - 3/2005

I think people, too often put all their problems on one large fire. That is okay for a short term bon-fire, but eventually, you run out of hot dogs and marshmellows. If you continue to pile everything onto one fire life becomes unmanagable, like the bon-fire. It is much easier to manage two or three small fires than one large one, right? Thus, deducing that one should also have separate bins to put one's worries and troubles into. Easy to say.
I think that's enough with the mushy stuff for this morning. G'nite ya'll!

Dragged up from the Underworld

I used to wonder how my life would be without being married. I was in a comfortable, yet uncomfortable, groove in my marriage. It was acceptable that life was just that way, and I was willing to accept it. I love my children dearly and for them I would have stayed. I don't think she realized she was messing with a good thing... She was a stay at home mom of 2. Everything she needed or wanted was provided for her. Yeah, we argued, but who doesn't. I'm not so sure that she wasn't cheating on me, but I know I wasn't cheating on her. I couldn't have, it is one of those things wrapped so tightly in my moral fiber that it would have spun me into a depression like no other. It is completely against all that I believe, although sometimes I wonder if my children are mine. I love them all regardless, but that doubt looms over me, like a rain cloud over Eeyore. Do you know what it's like to live with that looming doubt? To constantly wonder what is really goin on? I guess it really doesn't matter now. It would change something in me, if I knew, and I'm not so sure that I even want to know. No, in fact, I don't want to know. That would kill me. I would feel distanced from my children who have grown to love me as their father. I will not let them down. *sighs of relief* That feels good just to have resolved that little issue.

Confessions of a Moron

My horoscope for today said this:

"Thinking about far-off places and distant friends? Well, why just think about them? Whether you play host or decide to go for a visit, it's time to close the distance between you and where you want to be."

Totally, could not be more true, I am yearning for a far-off place because of a distant friend. I don't want to just think about her anymore. Playing host is something I am not very good at, but for her, I would go to the end of the earth (which apparently is in Canada). Can it really be time to close the distance?
I often fight with myself about finding the right one. If in fact it is possible, is it plausible? What are the statistics? Anyone know? I have yet to hear of any. I was told once that people believe something because of two reasons; they fear it to be true, or they want it to be true. I want to believe in the perfect partner for everyone, but then my analytical bug kicks in with a rebuttal. Even as much as I try to push it away and make it shut up, it's there and always will be.
I have to wonder if there are too many different type of people in this world to have a chance at meeting that perfect someone. I have thought before that I had found the 'one.' Turns out she is a raging slut. I just can't deal with that. I will forgive almost anything but being a slut. I didn't push that 'relationship' any farther once I found that out. I have never been one to push a relationship faster or farther than it is going naturally. My ex-wife for instance.... We were friends for several years, dated for a year, lived with each other for almost a year, and then got married. I am just the type that like things to progress nice and slow, for emotional security, I guess. I really have to wonder tho, if I like things to progress slowly because I am worried about something else. Maybe I do it because I'm concerned that moving too fast will always end in tragedy. I have seen enough examples of that to take heed to the warning. I may be dumb, but I am not stupid.
With that, I have one more confession to make and that is as follows: I do not know what love is. I believe that it is one of those feelings you must have before you can understand it completely. I read a poem once that stuck with me and it goes something like this...

Love is a feeling you feel, when you feel you are feeling a feeling that you've never felt before.

If that's the case, I think I am doomed to spend an eternity searching for love. I pray that in the end, love finds me.
In case love reads this, I live in I D A H O ! !

Mindless Meandering

So, Life goes on and whether you are gripping the bumper and hanging on or driving the car, there is progression and regression. I like to refer to this as the car swerving down the road, sometimes you are cruising at 120 mph and other times you seem to have stopped for a short potty break. Sometimes you even have to go back a little because you left your wallet at the last rest stop. I think the problem arises when you have stopped for gas, and forget to go again. Sitting idly for days, weeks, months, or even years for sum. :) Therein lies the problem, life is meant for progression, constant learning of new things and constant motion. You can sit still, but it is not recommended. Recommended... hmmm... thinking of that word, really means very little, to recommend is to advise or counsel. Unless that advice comes from a close/trusted source, it means jack. It means as much as pissing into a paper cup with no bottom, your only gonna piss on yourself. And THAT is not good by any standards. Life does go on though, with or without you. If you piss on yourself or not, life moves on.

What A Mess

Games are games are games. Why? What do people get from it? What do you get from it? Please enlighten me. I will admit, that even with an IQ above 'normal' there are things I just do not get. Such as the mind games. When is enough, enough? I think part of common sence is learning when to leave well enough alone. You do not need bigger boobs. Fourteen pairs of shoes is plenty. Eighty-two blouses/shirts/or whatever you call them is more than enough, and enough is enough. Just quit! Is there a problem with that? Leave it alone.
I do have to say also that I can be an ass. You are correct, we already knew this. I take my close friendships very seriously. During a conversation with a friend I realized that I would do almost anything for almost any of my friends. If any of my friends asked me to help them hide a body, I would show up with a shovel in 2.2 minutes. No Doubt! To all my friends, I'm here for you, you need only ask. The Jizr owns two shovels.

WTF FOO?!

Why is it that when something seems surreal so FUCKING perfect, it always seems to get ripped away from you? And might I add, not by choice, at least no choice of mine. I thought I was your friend? How could you? You don't pull this SHIT with friends! YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT! If you wanna play your stupid little games, do it with someone else! I'm done with you! Stay the FUCK out of my shit and do me one last favor, Stay the fuck out of her shit too.
I just really don't understand what makes some people do the stupid shit they do. There is no logical explanation! NONE!

Remembering

To anyone who has had an abortion, or is strongly pro-abortion, please DO NOT READ THIS POST. I beg you. This post is a poem that I started in 1994 and never could finish. It was always too difficult of a subject for me. It wasn't until recently that I was able to read the beginning of this poem without crying profusely. This is something that I feel very passionately about and therefore took me eleven years to finish.

I call this poem "Remembering". I wrote this poem from the perspective of a child going thru an abortion. It is dedicated to all those unborn children who were given no choice, no chance, who's lives were taken needlessly and powerlessly. You are in my thoughts and prayers. May God be with you all.