Healed?

So another day down. I have talked before about the monotony of daily life. It seems to hold true for a number of different reasons. Everyday seems to be the same shit over and over again. Then for one reason or another you get exalted to a better realm of existence. A wise man once told me, "If you want to break up the monotony of daily life, all you have to do is start with the things you can change... Put on your socks before your underwear... Put on just your socks and a tshirt and walk around the house. If your wife asks you what your doing, tell her your airing it out." We'll call him Dr. Llama. I damn near died laughing.

Soldier just called me and been tellin me about drama at the homefront. Some shit about a cockroach bill and the landlord is being a jerk and causin drama and they are movin out this weekend. It seems that just when you have a good thing goin, someone has to go and get a stick up they ass and cause more drama. WTF is with that? Things just cannot be left alone, can they? Lives get rearranged, drama ensues, and lovely couples turn into bitter suicidal ex's. All in the same week.

So, I have turmoil, yet again. The decision making of life, love, and the pursuit of good turtle soup have left me with a void. I want to avoid the void, pass the impassable, move the immovable and mention the unmentionable. It is life and constantly changes anyway, even thru the monotony of it. It seems that one day molds into the next / weeks seam with months / months turn into years, and I am left the next year, a little smarter than before, a little more torn, a little weaker, a little more malleable to life, and a little more hardened to the pain and injustice. Will there ever be a point of complete and utter peace in this life? With life becoming more complicated and more dramatic day by day it seems that the answer is 'no'. Yet, at the same token, things will pass, hatred will be softened, the tears mend into scars, and you are left with an old fragile body, covered in scars, emotionally and physically. Can one really heal from the damage that is done? The scar remains. It will always be there. Can you truly heal then? If healing means that you no longer bleed from the wound, then technically you have healed, but to truly recover from said offense I think that it requires more than not bleeding. A full emotional recovery takes a deceptive amount of time. Sometimes it just seems that it is longer than it really is. Time flies, they say, when your having fun. It could be inferred then that healing is not fun, and it's not. It is a long road and full of sharp rocks that will test your durability and strength. Tough it out. Does it get better? It has to. Right? It has to.

Cera, I'll call her.

OMG, I think I am falling in love. Love? It can't be. Thing is, it's not the whole butterfly-in-my-stomache kinda love, it's more advanced than that, I call that lust. I'm past that point and moving all too quickly into the 'omg-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you' phase. This is assuredly love. It scares me. Love is scary. It's unpredicatable. I want it to be more structured, more of an exact science. There should be a methodoligy to it. It's not fair. But then again, what in life is fair? It seems that following normal protocol, I usually get to the butterfly stage and call it off for one reason or another, usually because I found something out about them that freaks me out or makes thier moral character seem inadequate for my (appearantly too high) standards. Cera is different. I have been trying my damnedest to find those character flaws in her. I can't. She is seemingly morally perfect in every way. That is not possible, I swear it's not. It can't be. My expectations are too extraordinary for anyone to adhere to or so I thought. I am being proven wrong.

I have always believed that when 'love' finds you, there is an instinctual Pavlovian response. Pavlov eat your heart out. This is seemingly the case. As more time passes, the more I look forward to seeing her and talking with her. I want to make her laugh just to see that smile and hear the way she giggles.

I have been doing well ignoring this slew of thoughts and feelings, solicited at the hand of friendship and the cunning use of the female voice, but seems I can no longer continue the way I was going. Why? What has changed that now I cannot seem to let it pass any longer? I still have things that I am trying to deal with internally and should not and cannot be thinking about another relationship right now.

The more I tell myself to push it out, the harder it pushes back. I have thought about this since day one. It has been a continual effort to stave off the insuing feelings. I tell myself that I must deal with my loneliness first. I must become comfortable with myself completely before I can unequivocally partake in a healthy, life-long relationship. I believe that with Cera this would be possible, no, probable.

The only illusory image that I get from her is that she believes whole-heartedly that life is or should be fair. We share this trait. I think life should be fair, equitable for all parties involved, and reasonably satisfying for all who dare to confront it. Confront my life tho? Confront the bitterness of being lonely? What reward doth thou hold? Is there not confrontation in the monotony of daily living? Doth one not confronteth thy enemy in thy daily doings? I thinketh so.

K so enough with the Shakesperian/Biblical talk. I just don't want to go into this if I'm not sure, 100% solid on my findings. Right now I am, but like I said, noone has the capacity to truly live up to my moral standards. Cera may just be one in a trillion. I may just have to marry her. God, that is a scary thought, marriage. And yet, I find comfort in the thought that it would be her by my side, till death do us part.

Don't Comment.

So my ex sent me this IQ test and wanted me to take it, so I did, and foundthe results mildly amusing. So now I post them. My IQ (according to thistest) is 127. Average, they say, is 85 to 115 and genius is 130 and above.ME? Borderline genius? That would explain my theory of people being morons.I consider myself average, and anyone with a lesser IQ must (according tologic) be stupid. Then they said the following:
Your Intellectual Type is Precision Processor. This means you'reexceptionally good at discovering quick solutions to problems, especiallyones that involve math or logic. You're also resourceful and able to thinkon your feet.
If that is true, it would also stand to reason that I have better means ofsolving problems quickly than the average person. Right? Don't bothercommenting, I already know the answer, because I am a genius.

I wanna be the minority!

There's that feeling...

That feeling wells inside me, Like someone cutting my ribs.
I wanna yell and scream, And place my own bids.
It's a frightening thing, Being all alone.
With noone to lay comfort, To me, I'm on my own.

Attempts to comfort self, Usually end in vain.
I am my own worst enemy, And now, I don't seem sane.
I now lay down to sleep, And wrap myself in pillows.
But nothing takes away, My pain and all my sorrows.

I try to push it out, But it seems to grip so tight.
I can't get rid of it, No matter how I fight.
My only way of recourse, Is to play the music loud.
But it doesn't stop the voices, That turn into a crowd.

The mirror stares back at me, With a glare I know to well.
I want to wipe the slate, And remove myself from hell.
If true love is out there, Please God, let me find it.
I want to know that feeling, And in my heart, bind it.

Let true love reside there, Forever making peace.
So I may carry on, Once again, at ease.
I want to gently feel, The butterfly kiss.
From the one I love, And will always miss.

For when they're absent, My heart is not alone.
I merely miss them and, Await their coming home.
Loneliness is a vicious thing, It will tear you apart.
True love's are very different, Cuz they keep you in their heart.

I want that special someone, Who will keep me all their own.
So I never have to endure, This painful life alone.
They say all good things, Come to those who wait.
I am sick and fuckin tired, Of waiting for my fate.

I want to push things along, I want my life to move.
I'm sick of being stuck, In the same ol' fuckin grove.
Please God, hear my plea, I'm done with this stupid crap.
It's time for me to move on, And get out of this fuckin trap.

-The Jizr 2005

Cold and Lonely

Dayz Go By...

I can feel them flyin', like my hand out the window in the wind.

So, I don't quite know how to take the response I got regarding the letter I wrote to the ex. She snickered at one part and didn't say anything regarding the rest of it. I feel a bit of relief just because it was some things that I just needed to get out. Weather or not those things fell on deaf ears and a blind eyes, I got it out and I feel better. I do wish tho, that I could have gotten something, anything more. I must also say that it is very strange working with her. We seem to be developing a very strange appearance of a friendship. We went to lunch yesterday and I must say that I enjoyed myself. Mostly because I was with the kids, but our conversation seemed to be very light and humorous. We were also emailing each other today while at work, that too, was very light and somewhat humorous. It is very strange. It's almost like an acquaintance, no more than that because, I usually don't email my acquaintances, but not quite friends. I don't know what to think... or how to respond. How can she be so nice and smiley, and turn around a stab me in the back by trying to keep the child support amount at 80% of my paycheck? I don't understand how you could smile and hug a friend and then with the knife in your right hand, stab them in the back, and THEN step back and ask them how their day is going. How can women be so vindictive. You must understand I am trying not to get a bad attitude from all of this but it is becoming more difficult. At work, I nod and ignore her most of the time, I do not wish to be "friends" with her. If I had my way, I would just as soon never talk to her again. I have an ex-gf that I see occasionally and don't mind terribly. I say hi, and how are you, and I am very polite as is she. But we broke up on much different ground, and neither of us was trying to stab the other. It is much different. The animosity accumulating between my ex-wife and I is becoming too much for me to bear, and although I realize I still love her, I think I love to hate her as well. Many days I would just as soon shove a knife up her (censored) and break the blade off just to grab a bigger one and do it again and again. I am full of hatred and a calming sense of realization. I do not anticipate getting over this soon but I would like to just live as if I were deaf dumb and blind, or maybe just dumb, cuz then I wouldn't freakin know the difference anymore... eh, screw me, I don't care cuz I don't know what your doin!
There seems to be a dull roar at work. A lot of mumbling and ramblings that you really can't understand and don't care about anyway. I am becoming enervated due to the dull agony caused by monotonousness and apathy, accompanied equitably by retardation and ignorance. I do not know the lengths that some morons go to, to become the absolute retards that they are, but it is unnerving. What scares me worse is that it is those retards that prepare my food at any number of local restaurants and clean the building that I work in. Many of those retards are people that I work with. I don't associate with those people because as my mother puts it, I am an intellectual snob. Hmm weird. ME? Snob? But alas yes, I have come to terms with it and I'm okay being a snob on occasion.

Oh, hell... shoot me now.

Dear Whale,

There are so many things that I wish I could express to you the way that they are in my head, but I know that my communication skills sometimes leave a lot to be desired. There are a few things that I would like to tell you and hopefully you will see my communication as a way for me to deal with our divorce. I certainly do not intend to 'attack' or berate you in anyway. This letter is also not intended to point fingers or place blame. With that, maybe I should just get on with it...
I was watching one of my favorite movies, The Day After Tomorrow. There is a scene in the movie where the divorced parents are concerned for their son's safety. The father agrees to go after the son. The parents embrace each other in a hug for several seconds and he departs. I now know why this particular part of the movie always makes me cry, I miss you, terribly. I am reminded of it every time I crawl into bed alone, or watch a movie alone, or play a game on the computer for 4 hours straight and don't hear, "Get off that damn thing!" More than anything I miss the idealism that I held for our marriage and for 'us'. I honestly thought that nothing would ever come between us. And yet, to look at us now, there are so many things that have. I feel sad for 'us'. I miss the peace that comes from knowing that I had married the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
I wish I could look into your eyes and know the truth about what you wanted for us, and the truth about what you really wanted with me. There is a part of me that still wants you, us, and our family back together, to keep you as my wife for the rest of my life. I have thought considerably about asking you to come back, to try one more time, to see if we could make something more of our relationship. I guess that is the closest I can come to asking you. I would ask for the image and the idealism of the marriage we shared. I feel it is unrealistic of me to assume that you shared the same idealism that I did regarding our marriage. It was not something that we ever talked about. For that I am truly sorry. I will always grieve the loss of what I had envisioned for us. I still don't know yet, the reason you chose me.
Time has generously dulled my hurt, anger, disappointment, and animosity toward you personally. I now mourn the loss of the idealism that I thought we shared, 'till death do you part'. It is partly true though, because as we divorced, a part of me died. I will never understand why because, secretly, I wanted our marriage to be over from the first time you threatened to leave when we had only been married 8 months. But, there was a part of me that insisted that we would be together forever. I truly thought that. The thought of you leaving terrified me. I am a firm believer that you should only marry once. I think I get that from my parents who have always seemed to work things out and change with each other, rather than against each other. It seems the more we changed as individuals, the further apart we grew. I have come to terms with a lot over the last few years: the broken promises and broken marriage, the yelling and fighting, the lack of effort I felt was being exerted. I have been analyzing our marriage to find the dominant/submissive roles that we played and to help myself come to terms with how we interacted with each other. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since we separated; it was the extremes of depression and euphoria, tears of joy then pain. I had considered counseling and suicide, drugs and alcohol, and a million other random thoughts that went thru my brain each day. In nearing the end of my trip to Disney Land, it seems to be a matter of, not life and death, but progress. Progress towards goals is what makes everything worth while. I have done more reading of self help books that I care to admit, and recently I have been focusing on making me a better person, in hopes that one day I can be a contributor to a near-perfect marriage.
I realize in this letter I have said nothing of our children; I love them very, very much, as I also love you, and always will. Regardless of what happens between us.

Jizr

Albert?

Sometimes I really have to wonder if procrastination is a good thing, because, they say that Time is Money, and Money is the root of all evil. Therefore if you waste time, you are becoming further from the evil and closer to God. I procrastinate because it's part of my religion.
So, I played pool with Jane, it was awesome, we played 6 games and talked ALOT! I also found out that she has a competant knowledge of computers. It was refreshing to converse with a whoman regarding the technilogical industry. The more time I spend with her, the more time I want to spend with her. It's very strange to me. I have so much that I want to do when I'm alone and I love my alone time. It gives me time to read and make webpages and play games on the computer and such. I have a really hard time deciding which I value more. I want both damnit! I want someone that will be there when I want and leave me alone when I don't want to be bothered. Is that too much to ask? That is why I need a woman over 30. Let her do her own thing and "we" do our thing, and give me time to be alone. The only problem that I see is gonna be the balance of both. I realize of course that it will be a give/give situation and I will not always get the time I want or think that I deserve, but it is a matter of sharing my time with 'her' and allowing her to feel like she is not being abandoned. I am good at that. I can spend time with her and keep a balance of computer time. Perhaps 1 or 2 hours with her and 3 or 4 hours on the computer each night. Yeah, I will still end up doing shopping with her and cooking and household cleaning and stuff, but there is a balance, and I just have to find a whoman that will balance that with me instead of against me.
Yeah, enough of that.... I have a new theory that Albert Einstein put best when he said, "There are two things that are infinite; the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not certain about the universe." How true it is. Appearantly psycotic minds think alike.

to hell with bugs anyway!

The Jizr knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

I never liked milk anyway!

Choke that SumBich

Andy Rooney says

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle Of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, (or in your case, play on the computer) she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in whom She is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say; "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Heart Pounding.

I have a poem that I'm posting from a friends blog. This poem is awesome, such talent and use of words, it almost made me cry. You can just feel the pounding of the authors heart and the longing for something more. I wish I could write this good.


Just Be There

How can I make it stop?
Why won't it go away?
I know you don't understand,
So there's nothing you can say.

Talk til you're blue in the face.
It won't do you any good.
You don't know how I feel.
There's no way that you could.

Don't tell me that you know,
Or that you want to understand.
Don't try to comfort me.
Don't try to hold my hand.

Don't yell and scream at me,
But please don't walk away.
I want to know you're here for me,
And I need to know you'll stay.

The thoughts in my head
I can't fight on my own.
I need to feel your presence
So I know I'm not alone.

I won't reach out to you,
I may just sit and stare.
But just knowing you're around
Lets me know that someone cares.

DB - 2005

Lack of Ambition?

Do you ever get the idea by looking at someone that you can kinda tell where they work? I do. I hate it. It is one more of those judgmental things that I do and can't stand. I think it is wrong to judge a person at all, even by how they dress or talk or look. Judging should be left to the courts and the almighty. There is a person sitting behind me that now works here, DUH. And by the look of her, I was thinking, The Bon or Dillards, and come to find out... Her previous job was at JC Penney. Holy Crap! I really need to quit this shit. It may not be harmful but it is certainly degrading (most of the time). I should just leave it with, she looks elegant. But NO! I have to say to myself, she looks elegant, like the employees of ... Why must I do this? Does it make me shallow?
AND OMG! I got a call today from Jane (as referenced in an earlier post available at "that link" on the left). When the phone rang, I was expecting a call from my friend Tongitong Song and when I looked at the caller ID, all I could say was "holy shit" then I opened my phone and that was all that came out, "holy shit" and she started to laugh. It has been so long since I have heard that laugh and the smile in her voice. Oh I've been longing for that for so long. I want her. Now to find out why.... Because it is important to me now, to analyze everything. Do I want her solely for companionship or friendship or because I'm lonely. This is what I have to find out. We will see how pool goes on Tuesday and I'll blog with any news between now and then also. I just want to be able to spot the needs before hand as well as the roles played and try to make my next relationship equitable and fair for both parties and for the greater good of all concerned. It is time that I start looking at life with a more open outlook and see the bigger picture. I have spent far to long focusing on myself and what I want and "need" from life and relationships. I keep missing things, huge voluptuous signs, the almighty telling me that I'm fuckin off and need to get my shit together. When will I learn? That was completely rhetorical question, do NOT answer that. So, I want to learn more and do more and in order to do that, I must open my eyes and see more. Tunnel vision sucks ass! It's like a viral infection. MEDICAL ALERT: Symptoms can include; ignorance, swelling of ones head, and lack of blood flow to the eyes resulting in oversights of things you are looking directly at or things that are blunt obvious. It has also been known to cause mass ignorance and natural stupidity. People who have tunnel vision have also reported severe depression and loss of taste for mountain dew. Many cases of separation or divorce and lack of interest in life has also been attributed to tunnel vision. If you notice any of these symptoms DO NOT call a doctor, they cannot help you, instead seek immediate chiropractic care and a good massage. Please also be aware of the sister to tunnel vision called el-ton vision. There have been reports of rapid weight gain and lack of ambition. Severe drops in sexual appeal and the need for a butler have also been related to this atrocious disease. Research shows that you can greatly reduce your chances of contracting tunnel vision by avoiding diet coke and contact with people who may be infected with diet coke. There are also many herbal remedies and medications, none have been approved by the FDA for consumption. If you already have tunnel vision you might as well go get a massage cuz ain't nothing helping you until you relax and start looking at things VERY differently. It's all in your head or heads if your schitzo too.

Ready for Another Quote?

Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford is an awesome book for anyone going thru (or considering) a divorce or the breakup of a relationship. Click on the title to purchase this book for less than $10. It is WELL worth the money. And I give you one more quote from this book.

Autumn has turned into winter. He goes for a walk. People stare at him on the street. The glare from the snow hurts his eyes.
"I thought I knew (her) better than anyone else in the world," he says. "She loved to read. I thought if she couldn't read, she would die, the cells in her body would disintegrate. I once took her to a bar mitzvah and she was reading a book while we waited for our coats.
"Now she's married with a baby. All she can do is write her mystery stories and take care of her family. She has no time to read. Yet she seems pretty happy.
"This is devastating to me. I lived with her for twelve years and I had the arrogance to think that I knew her better than anyone else in the world. Now it turns out I didn't really know her at all.
"What that means is that maybe if I had known her as she really was, we could have made it."
The ghosts of the past prick up their ears. If I had known her as she really was, we could have made it. It's a haunting admission. It's also the key to getting a good psychological divorce. Garry sees his own responsibility for the breakup. It's not a question of right or wrong, good or bad, fair or unfair. Morality is not at stake. It's more a question of knowledge-knowledge of each other and knowledge of self.

IF I had known her as she really was... we wouldn't have gotten married. The man from this part of the story has a problem over-analyzing the small things in life and assigning a type of character to small inconsitencies, even tho he knows that they do not make up the 'whole' person. As much as I try, I still fight with myself not to make this mistake. I have a tendancy to judge people based on the little things they do or don't do. I surmize that by spitting a wad of gum onto the sidewalk, this person must be a waste of skin because I hate stepping on gum and getting it all over everything. People that bite their fingernails are automatically aprehensive about something in thier life, or nervous beyond control. If someone pauses while they are giving a lecture or speech, they instantly become a retard. Now you see what I'm talking about and to some degree, everyone does this. I think I have taken it a little too far. This is yet another thing that I am working to change. It has been added to my mental rolladex and filed under 'get around to me'. So, when I'm ready, it'll be there with everything else.
It is now time for the sun to start its ascent into our hemisphere and I must retire to bed to dream of whispering willows and warm summer nights. Oh how I long for a hammock to lounge in while I get served an ice cold Captain Jizr.

To all, I bid to good night, good morning, good mourning, good day, and such - Jizr

I'm Thinking.

Sometimes in life it seems that we forget who we are. Or more importantly, what we want. How long has it been since you had a goal, that you really strived for? Something that completely consumed you, made you want it more than anything else. That one thing that you could/can't seem to ever get over. For those of us that are single that goal usually seems to be love, companionship, someone to help with the burdens of life or maybe just be there to lend their support. I am speaking about goals for the present. What do you want to accomplish today? Did you? Post a comment, I'm takin a poll!
Someone told me that I should start a "dear abby" column for single women in the area. Huh? But it does seem odd that I am the "friend" to every single woman who is not looking for a partner or companion, just a friend, a listening ear, someone to bounce life's problems off of. And clearly, I seem to fit the bill. Why me? I don't know, other than I don't like to interrupt someone while they are talking. I do it occasionally when I feel I have something more pressing to say than what they are saying, but I try not to. If I were to start my own column, I would call it, "Dear Jizr" and have people tell me their sob stories and problems and I would reply to them. I would probably also post these ramblings on my web site for all to view and of course make it "anonymous". Thing is, I get no money for it, no gratification, no goals being satisfied from the column. That seems a little retarded to me. I don't want more friends, I have enough. And a problem with people I just met being all like, "blah blah blah, and let me tell you this" uh, excuse me, I just said "hi, how are you" I kinda expected to hear "fine" and then expected you to shut the hell up. I don't care that your car insurance just went up $8 per month, I don't give a shit that you broke a nail today, I don't freakin care that your dog almost got hit by a car! I don't mean to sound rude and heartless, but I just get to a point where I want some time ALONE! Don't talk to me when I'm smoking 100 yards from the nearest person. Take a freakin hint! Don't walk over here and get up in my shit, cuz your a retard. I cannot help you. Natural Stupidity is NON-CURABLE! You have a terminal illness. Learn to deal with it. Accept it without pushing it onto others, it's not their problem or mine. I have a real problem being sympathetic or empathetic with retards who bring this shit on themselves. Lack of planning or preparation on your part should not and WILL NOT require an emergency on mine. If you need that type of help, I can list 18 counselors in this area and 32 more within a 50 mile radius. Go to them with your self inflicted sob shit, your not my friend and I am no longer claiming you as an acquaintance. Move on and leave me alone now, by buy. What's worse is when I'm standing there with my arms crossed, leaning up against a wall and staring at the ground, OBVIOUSLY in thought, and some freakin retard has the nerve to be like, "You know what I hate... blah blah blah..." Shut the fuck up! I don't care, I am too caught up in my own shit to worry about you and what you hate. You know what I hate... MORONS like you asking stupid questions and telling me what you hate! I wonder if maybe I need to take classes in social cues, so that I can put off a better hint that I'm THINKING, GO AWAY! GRRR!

How hard can it be?

"Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching and love like you have never been hurt." --- Satchel Paige --- See what I mean? I wish it were that easy! It sounds simple enough, but it's much more difficult than that, as I'm sure you all know already. To the men dancing at the company party Saturday, you are living proof that it is possible, however, to dance like nobody is watching. I found this awesome page online and think it is something we all need reminded of twice in a while. It was written by a gal named Tania Tyler.

What a great philosophy to travel through life's journey with! It was interesting to receive this quote in an email this week as I have told many people "you just need to dance as though no one is watching." This statement can be taken literally - go out dancing and just let your spirit soar, enjoy yourself, have fun - or, figuratively - dance through life and just let your spirit soar, enjoy yourself, have fun ... does it really matter what other's think? I'm not talking about throwing away all responsibilities (we do live in a real world), but rather about taking time to be or explore who we are. Work on finding a balance. Be true to yourself, don't live your life to please others. Live to please yourself and others will be pleased. Emotions are infectious; why not spread happiness, joy and love?
Take the time to watch a seagull in flight. Some days, depending on the weather, they appear to just float, soar and really enjoy themselves. Watch again on a windy day, they have to work a little harder to get where they're going. Notice how when the weather gets stormy, they land and just hang out for a while. Here's a quote from "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" by Richard Bach: "Seagulls, as you know, never falter, never stall. To stall in the air is for them disgrace and it is dishonor. But Jonathan Livingston Seagull, unashamed, stretching his wings again in the trembling hard curve - slowing, slowing, and stalling once more - was no ordinary bird." Next time you get to a stormy day, read this book again as an adult. Everyday brings something new; learn to notice something new each day. Life will always be filled with challenges, make the best of them. Enjoy life, be happy. Go with the flow.
As we learn to "work like you don't need money", our jobs become less of a burden or struggle. Isn't life more pleasurable when you are doing something you enjoy rather than something you "have to"? Look upon work as something rewarding. Money isn't everything. Take pride in your tasks, be the best you can at what you do. Smile more. Try this for a couple of days; watch your job transform into something more enjoyable. Chances are, more money will also come your way. Just imagine the difference in tips for a waiter/waitress who smiles and makes their job more enjoyable compared to the person that really doesn't want to be there. Or the possible job promotions when you put your best foot forward.
Now, the tough part - "love like you've never been hurt". Everyone is unique, every relationship is unique. Give that person every opportunity; don't compare them or limit the relationship because of fears from the past. Learn from the past. Release yourself from the past. Live the present moment. Don't look back and don't look forward. What you have is right now. It's guaranteed that if you expect to be hurt, you'll find it. Openness, understanding and honesty are important aspects to any relationship; they reduce expectations and allow us to "see it as it is". People change, they grow. Love involves allowing the other to grow, to be who they are - to accept the possibility that you don't walk the same path anymore. Love may not last forever but if you enjoy every minute you have of it and can look back without regrets ... we are all here to live life to it's fullest, to learn from it's lessons. Everyone has something to share, be it good or bad. It is up to us to determine how fully we experience living.
...By living our lives more in tune with our natural spirit, we add more balance into our lives, our bodies are more at ease - not dis-ease. Stress levels reduce. With a reduction of stress, blood pressures reduce, sleep routines become more restful, digestion problems subside, tension headaches disappear; anxiety, nervousness, and depression reduce ... the possibilities are endless. Take the time to enjoy life.
Time waits for no one...

AD & D

Insurance for Accidental Death and Dismemberment? K, but seriously, if you need that kind of insurance where you work, get the fuck out while your still alive! They have that here, where I work, for our employees. It's a fucking call center! Now, I'm not one to freak out, but if they offer that HERE, should I be concerned? My left eye is twitching now, and it concerns me that I may accidentally kill and dismember someone because of it. On the bright side tho, they would have insurance to cover them.
We had our company party last weekend. Talk about comedy! I witnessed the VP up in front of the ENTIRE company with two other men, doing a girly dance and shaken dat ass. It was funny. AND, I can't believe the amounts of food. I have only ever seen that much food ONCE before in my LIFE and it was on the whales plate at thanksgiving 2 years ago. While at the party also, I got nessled in between two HUGE titties. I made a noise kinda like a belch or blerch or sometimes its just a squeal. Sounds like a dying cat. Or mule. Or tranvestite, or when you rub your titties together really REALLY fast... kinda makes that noise. But yeah, it was kinda kewl. And appearantly I said something to Tron that pissed her off... and now, I'm a jackass... What's that all about?

I hate POS Servers.

The server that hosts my web sites, is a peice of shit. This is twice, in just as many days, that it has gone down. I HATE THIS SHIT!

This is Crazy Time.

I am reading a book called Crazy Time. It is helping me figure even more things out and helping me to identify who I am and what I'm doing. I want to quote a line from this book that I think is just freakin funny...
"This is Crazy Time. It starts when you separate and usually lasts about two years. It's a time when your emotions take on a life of their own and you swing back and forth between wild euphoria and violent anger, ambivalence and deep depression, extreme timidity and rash actions. You are not yourself. Who are you? At times you don't want to know. You think about going on a sex binge and fucking anything that moves. Or you lie very still in bed, your muscles tense, your breathing shallow, your imaginings as dark and lonely as the night."
It goes on to say...
"Then at the height of Crazy Time, you may get a reprieve. You fall in love -- a coup de foudre -- and the block of lead in your chest miraculously melts; you can't believe it, you laugh, you dance. You know it's too soon, too much like jumping into a lifeboat that you knoow leaks and has no oars. But you smile, feeling so good after feeling so bad for so long. Therapists call this the searce for the romantic solution. But it's usually not a solution. You crash. Puff, the magic dragon of love, is gone. Now you're really scared."
I reached that point and prefer not to go back. It sucks. Moving on...
"There seems to be no end to this wild swinging back and forth. You can't believe how bad your life is, how terrible you feel, how overwhelming daily tasks become, how frightened you are: about money, your health, your sanity. You can't believe that life is worse now than when you broke up. You thought you were at the end of your rope then."
I like to think that I am, at least, nearing the end of my crazy time. I am learning alot about myself. Thoughts and feelings that I have suppressed for a very long time. It is a very freeing feeling. As I take these steps forward, I keep one eye on my past to ensure that I do not make the same mistakes again.

IT'S NOT HER!

In all this confusion and pain and realization that I do not hate her, I also found out that, it's not her that I love, it is the concept of her. The dream that I wanted her to be and fulfill for me. I fell in love with the attention and companionship. Thanks to a dear, DEAR friend I have come to grips with what I am looking for, and it is NOT HER! This is a welcome sigh of relief because I was about to do some rash shit that I would have probably regretted. There is, however, a reason that I did not and that is because I knew that my emotions were playing a large part of that and I DO NOT submit to my emotions without logic. Well, okay, you and I both know that is a lie because I do more often than I care to admit but I am diligently trying to overcome that shortcoming. I want to become a better me and try to work on what I want and what I need. At this point that is unclear and I do not know what direction to take to pursue what it is I am looking for but I will soon know. When that happens I am sure that I will feel better about many things. I have so many regrets about my marriage and realize that I am a retard. I wish that I had a more objective outlook. I want that for myself. Call it selfish but I think it is HIGH time that I think about what is best for me, not necessarily what I 'want' but what is best. For me and for all concerned. I must also say thank you to all of the people who give me advice, an objective opinion, or even tell me that I am a fucking retard. I appreciate all of it. It helps me realize more and more about myself and helps me open my eyes to what I am not seeing.
I have suspicions that a good friend of mine and his fiance have gone separate ways. This breaks my heart. I KNOW that he is an awesome person and ANY woman would be SOOOO lucky to have him. The thing is that he is so much like his parents that he would be an awesome partner for almost anyone. I say that because his parents are the icon of the perfect marriage. I know that every marriage has it's flaws but the two of them seem to know how to work thru it and how to become a stronger couple. They are the best parents and even better adopted grandparents and parents! :) I love them both dearly! I know that he has taken alot from the way his parents are and made it his own. I see a very giving, and equitable partner for (like I said) any woman. Maybe she is not good enough for him! Yes, that is it.
What's with the long fuckin posts lately. DAMN. I have so much thinking going on and I am also thankful for anyone who reads this and comments to me, because, there again, I get another opinion that is not my own, another view or way to look at things. In this time of personal turmoil and triumph I am willing to (try) to keep an open mind and welcome any new views.
In closing I would just like to say that I DO NOT want her back, what I want is the dream of having her become the woman I know she is capable of. I want the best for her and my children. I do love her, but like I said before it is because she is the mother of my children and the woman I 'chose' to marry. I love her for the idealism that she could be a good wife. Fact: she is not a good wife, and barely a good mother.

Must I be so Analytical?

Why? Does it have to be in my nature to be like this? I don't wanna. I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't seem to find the remote. I came to the realization that I am still "in love" with my ex... Or that I still love her. That is very difficult for me to accept because I do not want to be. I want to hate her and I want to be over her, but in the same thought I want her back. I wrote her a letter that I have not posted to my blog. I am debating doing so, but it is difficult to accept that, in said letter, I gag while trying to swallow my pride. More importantly I cannot see the dependence that I put upon her or that she put upon me. And this bothers me because if I cannot see something that was there, how do I know weather or not I want it back? There was always a mutual respect and communication when it came to every major decision in our relationship, including financial matters, child rearing, sex, jobs, schooling, ect.. Almost everything was discussed, I say almost because I am sure that there were things that we did not discuss although I cannot think of any right now. I think back to our marriage and I can see the relationship slowly degrading but I cannot attribute it to anything. All I can think is that somewhere along the line I gave up. I quit trying to please her. I quit giving a shit about almost everything. I was a very different person at work or while with friends than I was at home. I do not know why, it just seemed to happen. I want to say that it was because at home I was trying not to swear, and trying to please by cooking and cleaning and being there to support the family but I know there is something else, some other reason that I was SO different when outside the home. I will find out and if I don't I will think about it until the day I die because that is how I am.
In this book I am reading about divorce it says that usually when a divorce happens it is because the couple has been in a "deadlock" phase of the marriage. Deadlock being a point in the marriage where you are bound by something other than choice and usually have reached a point that you are "butting heads" with your spouse. It is at this point that a "successful" marriage will do some role shifting and one party will 'fill' the others shoes and vice versa. Basically saying that in one example we'll use Bob and Jane. Bob is abusive therefore he is the dominant party. Jane is abused and has taken the role of the submissive one. At some point Jane decides that she has had enough. She becomes takes the dominant role by telling Bob to stop, or seek counseling or whatever. Bob impulsively does not like this because it is forcing him into the submissive role when he as been the dominant one for so long. They butt heads, and she ends up filing for divorce because he refuses counseling or treatment and will not change. When the roles begin to switch, it either happens or it ends in divorce. The thing is that I don't remember our "roles" actually switching or even trying to switch... It seems like when I gave up on trying, the relationship was over. Not saying that she didn't give up too, just saying that I got to a point where I didn't care what happened, almost a numb feeling and just wanted to move on. I had no goals nor aspirations for my life. I am acquiring those almost daily now and want so much for myself. It seems that I also want those things for her as well and possibly for the both of us, as in together, but it seems difficult to make that decision.
Do I want her back? I dunno...
Do I want to hate her still? I dunno that either.
Do I want to marry again? Hell yes.
To her? I DUNNO! Damnit!

Wow... another first.

The JIZR is back.
My last post before I "left" is as follows...
If you were asked to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of a chemical, how serious would your consideration be? A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High decided to put this exact theory to the test. He located the chemical for his petition, "dihydrogen monoxide," and carried on. By the way, he also won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair for this petition and experiment.

Plenty of good reasons to sign the petition demanding control of this chemical, since:

1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. 43 said yes, 6 were undecided, and only 1 knew that the chemical was "dihydrogen monoxide" also known as water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
I think he poses a good case... and it just goes to show how gullible people really are! ICE, this ones for you!

Monday, January 3. Email this post.   

I had pleasant dreams and slept very well last night, THANKS to ICE! Who, by the way, was makin out with another woman, Multiple times. OMG talk about HOT! I am so proud of you! That by the way is NOT cheating... It's only cheating if your spouse does not approve. And believe ME the spouse approved of THIS! But, that does bring up an interesting point... and I want an answer to this question from everyone who reads this. My question is this: What would cause someone to cheat on their partner?
Please, Post a comment or click here to email me. I seriously would like an answer from everyone.
I have never cheated (nor will I EVER) on a gf or my spouse, and cannot see any valid reason to do so. Trust me, I was tempted many times, it happens when you go home and want to vomit everytime you look at what is laying next to you, or when it's sprawled across a three person couch and there is no room for you to sit down. TRUST ME, I was tempted. I recently discovered that someone cheated on someone else who cheated on them too. I must assume (although I don't know) that the relationship had deteriorated enough to 'warrant' the neglect of commitment. If that's the case, why not break up, separate, divorce, or whatever the FUCK you have to do to get OUT of the situation that your in and THEN, and ONLY THEN, go fuck someone else. Until then, it is my opinion, that you are in a 'contract' that shall not be broken. The amount of trust and respect that one loses, when cheating is brought into the picture, is not worth the small gratification of sex right now. Or is it? I have yet to talk to anyone who has cheated and still thinks it's worth it. I do however, believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. And I say that because there are many boundaries in life that should never be crossed. One of those is cheating, once that boundary is crossed it usually becomes ignored or shadowed in self gratification and therefore it is easier to cross again. Much like murder, once you have killed one person, why not just one more? I'll tell you why, because no matter what you think about it, if you do it, you are a peice of shit and you will never be able to rebuild that firm boundary that once stood there. You will forever be a peice of shit. Much the same with cheating, maybe not that intensity, but you see where I'm coming from.
So please, answer the question. (except for Double D, thanks)



- The opinion of The JSM @ 1/3/2005 06:25:17 AM (0) Opinions - Voice Yours!

The Great and Powerful JSM has spoken. Heed thy word!