OMG, I think I am falling in love. Love? It can't be. Thing is, it's not the whole butterfly-in-my-stomache kinda love, it's more advanced than that, I call that lust. I'm past that point and moving all too quickly into the 'omg-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you' phase. This is assuredly love. It scares me. Love is scary. It's unpredicatable. I want it to be more structured, more of an exact science. There should be a methodoligy to it. It's not fair. But then again, what in life is fair? It seems that following normal protocol, I usually get to the butterfly stage and call it off for one reason or another, usually because I found something out about them that freaks me out or makes thier moral character seem inadequate for my (appearantly too high) standards. Cera is different. I have been trying my damnedest to find those character flaws in her. I can't. She is seemingly morally perfect in every way. That is not possible, I swear it's not. It can't be. My expectations are too extraordinary for anyone to adhere to or so I thought. I am being proven wrong.
I have always believed that when 'love' finds you, there is an instinctual Pavlovian response. Pavlov eat your heart out. This is seemingly the case. As more time passes, the more I look forward to seeing her and talking with her. I want to make her laugh just to see that smile and hear the way she giggles.
I have been doing well ignoring this slew of thoughts and feelings, solicited at the hand of friendship and the cunning use of the female voice, but seems I can no longer continue the way I was going. Why? What has changed that now I cannot seem to let it pass any longer? I still have things that I am trying to deal with internally and should not and cannot be thinking about another relationship right now.
The more I tell myself to push it out, the harder it pushes back. I have thought about this since day one. It has been a continual effort to stave off the insuing feelings. I tell myself that I must deal with my loneliness first. I must become comfortable with myself completely before I can unequivocally partake in a healthy, life-long relationship. I believe that with Cera this would be possible, no, probable.
The only illusory image that I get from her is that she believes whole-heartedly that life is or should be fair. We share this trait. I think life should be fair, equitable for all parties involved, and reasonably satisfying for all who dare to confront it. Confront my life tho? Confront the bitterness of being lonely? What reward doth thou hold? Is there not confrontation in the monotony of daily living? Doth one not confronteth thy enemy in thy daily doings? I thinketh so.
K so enough with the Shakesperian/Biblical talk. I just don't want to go into this if I'm not sure, 100% solid on my findings. Right now I am, but like I said, noone has the capacity to truly live up to my moral standards. Cera may just be one in a trillion. I may just have to marry her. God, that is a scary thought, marriage. And yet, I find comfort in the thought that it would be her by my side, till death do us part.
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