Why? Does it have to be in my nature to be like this? I don't wanna. I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't seem to find the remote. I came to the realization that I am still "in love" with my ex... Or that I still love her. That is very difficult for me to accept because I do not want to be. I want to hate her and I want to be over her, but in the same thought I want her back. I wrote her a letter that I have not posted to my blog. I am debating doing so, but it is difficult to accept that, in said letter, I gag while trying to swallow my pride. More importantly I cannot see the dependence that I put upon her or that she put upon me. And this bothers me because if I cannot see something that was there, how do I know weather or not I want it back? There was always a mutual respect and communication when it came to every major decision in our relationship, including financial matters, child rearing, sex, jobs, schooling, ect.. Almost everything was discussed, I say almost because I am sure that there were things that we did not discuss although I cannot think of any right now. I think back to our marriage and I can see the relationship slowly degrading but I cannot attribute it to anything. All I can think is that somewhere along the line I gave up. I quit trying to please her. I quit giving a shit about almost everything. I was a very different person at work or while with friends than I was at home. I do not know why, it just seemed to happen. I want to say that it was because at home I was trying not to swear, and trying to please by cooking and cleaning and being there to support the family but I know there is something else, some other reason that I was SO different when outside the home. I will find out and if I don't I will think about it until the day I die because that is how I am.
In this book I am reading about divorce it says that usually when a divorce happens it is because the couple has been in a "deadlock" phase of the marriage. Deadlock being a point in the marriage where you are bound by something other than choice and usually have reached a point that you are "butting heads" with your spouse. It is at this point that a "successful" marriage will do some role shifting and one party will 'fill' the others shoes and vice versa. Basically saying that in one example we'll use Bob and Jane. Bob is abusive therefore he is the dominant party. Jane is abused and has taken the role of the submissive one. At some point Jane decides that she has had enough. She becomes takes the dominant role by telling Bob to stop, or seek counseling or whatever. Bob impulsively does not like this because it is forcing him into the submissive role when he as been the dominant one for so long. They butt heads, and she ends up filing for divorce because he refuses counseling or treatment and will not change. When the roles begin to switch, it either happens or it ends in divorce. The thing is that I don't remember our "roles" actually switching or even trying to switch... It seems like when I gave up on trying, the relationship was over. Not saying that she didn't give up too, just saying that I got to a point where I didn't care what happened, almost a numb feeling and just wanted to move on. I had no goals nor aspirations for my life. I am acquiring those almost daily now and want so much for myself. It seems that I also want those things for her as well and possibly for the both of us, as in together, but it seems difficult to make that decision.
Do I want her back? I dunno...
Do I want to hate her still? I dunno that either.
Do I want to marry again? Hell yes.
To her? I DUNNO! Damnit!
In this book I am reading about divorce it says that usually when a divorce happens it is because the couple has been in a "deadlock" phase of the marriage. Deadlock being a point in the marriage where you are bound by something other than choice and usually have reached a point that you are "butting heads" with your spouse. It is at this point that a "successful" marriage will do some role shifting and one party will 'fill' the others shoes and vice versa. Basically saying that in one example we'll use Bob and Jane. Bob is abusive therefore he is the dominant party. Jane is abused and has taken the role of the submissive one. At some point Jane decides that she has had enough. She becomes takes the dominant role by telling Bob to stop, or seek counseling or whatever. Bob impulsively does not like this because it is forcing him into the submissive role when he as been the dominant one for so long. They butt heads, and she ends up filing for divorce because he refuses counseling or treatment and will not change. When the roles begin to switch, it either happens or it ends in divorce. The thing is that I don't remember our "roles" actually switching or even trying to switch... It seems like when I gave up on trying, the relationship was over. Not saying that she didn't give up too, just saying that I got to a point where I didn't care what happened, almost a numb feeling and just wanted to move on. I had no goals nor aspirations for my life. I am acquiring those almost daily now and want so much for myself. It seems that I also want those things for her as well and possibly for the both of us, as in together, but it seems difficult to make that decision.
Do I want her back? I dunno...
Do I want to hate her still? I dunno that either.
Do I want to marry again? Hell yes.
To her? I DUNNO! Damnit!
No comments:
Post a Comment