In all this confusion and pain and realization that I do not hate her, I also found out that, it's not her that I love, it is the concept of her. The dream that I wanted her to be and fulfill for me. I fell in love with the attention and companionship. Thanks to a dear, DEAR friend I have come to grips with what I am looking for, and it is NOT HER! This is a welcome sigh of relief because I was about to do some rash shit that I would have probably regretted. There is, however, a reason that I did not and that is because I knew that my emotions were playing a large part of that and I DO NOT submit to my emotions without logic. Well, okay, you and I both know that is a lie because I do more often than I care to admit but I am diligently trying to overcome that shortcoming. I want to become a better me and try to work on what I want and what I need. At this point that is unclear and I do not know what direction to take to pursue what it is I am looking for but I will soon know. When that happens I am sure that I will feel better about many things. I have so many regrets about my marriage and realize that I am a retard. I wish that I had a more objective outlook. I want that for myself. Call it selfish but I think it is HIGH time that I think about what is best for me, not necessarily what I 'want' but what is best. For me and for all concerned. I must also say thank you to all of the people who give me advice, an objective opinion, or even tell me that I am a fucking retard. I appreciate all of it. It helps me realize more and more about myself and helps me open my eyes to what I am not seeing.
I have suspicions that a good friend of mine and his fiance have gone separate ways. This breaks my heart. I KNOW that he is an awesome person and ANY woman would be SOOOO lucky to have him. The thing is that he is so much like his parents that he would be an awesome partner for almost anyone. I say that because his parents are the icon of the perfect marriage. I know that every marriage has it's flaws but the two of them seem to know how to work thru it and how to become a stronger couple. They are the best parents and even better adopted grandparents and parents! :) I love them both dearly! I know that he has taken alot from the way his parents are and made it his own. I see a very giving, and equitable partner for (like I said) any woman. Maybe she is not good enough for him! Yes, that is it.
What's with the long fuckin posts lately. DAMN. I have so much thinking going on and I am also thankful for anyone who reads this and comments to me, because, there again, I get another opinion that is not my own, another view or way to look at things. In this time of personal turmoil and triumph I am willing to (try) to keep an open mind and welcome any new views.
In closing I would just like to say that I DO NOT want her back, what I want is the dream of having her become the woman I know she is capable of. I want the best for her and my children. I do love her, but like I said before it is because she is the mother of my children and the woman I 'chose' to marry. I love her for the idealism that she could be a good wife. Fact: she is not a good wife, and barely a good mother.
I have suspicions that a good friend of mine and his fiance have gone separate ways. This breaks my heart. I KNOW that he is an awesome person and ANY woman would be SOOOO lucky to have him. The thing is that he is so much like his parents that he would be an awesome partner for almost anyone. I say that because his parents are the icon of the perfect marriage. I know that every marriage has it's flaws but the two of them seem to know how to work thru it and how to become a stronger couple. They are the best parents and even better adopted grandparents and parents! :) I love them both dearly! I know that he has taken alot from the way his parents are and made it his own. I see a very giving, and equitable partner for (like I said) any woman. Maybe she is not good enough for him! Yes, that is it.
What's with the long fuckin posts lately. DAMN. I have so much thinking going on and I am also thankful for anyone who reads this and comments to me, because, there again, I get another opinion that is not my own, another view or way to look at things. In this time of personal turmoil and triumph I am willing to (try) to keep an open mind and welcome any new views.
In closing I would just like to say that I DO NOT want her back, what I want is the dream of having her become the woman I know she is capable of. I want the best for her and my children. I do love her, but like I said before it is because she is the mother of my children and the woman I 'chose' to marry. I love her for the idealism that she could be a good wife. Fact: she is not a good wife, and barely a good mother.
2 comments:
Im glad you got this figured out!! NO WHALES!
Good to hear you worked your thoughts and feelings out. Good to know you didn't jump too fast into anything. Also glad to hear you have many people you can talk to and trust. Good luck with everything else.
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