And a Happy New Year

With Christmas come and gone, there is much cleaning and weight losing to do.
I have recently realized what it means to have a "Merry Christmas" This year is the first time in 15+ years that I have even felt like I wanted to have Christmas. I always did the obligatory gifting and made the rounds to say hi, but it has never really been about cheer and greetings. Here's the thing, having someone in my life that means so much to me helps. It helped me see beyond the humdrum day. I didn't think it was possible to create the Christmas feeling. I thought it was something that you either had or didn't have. And I was one of those that didn't have it.
I have also learned that there are times that it pays to bite your tongue and not yell at the children. I have been trying to keep a level head, especially with regards to the boy. Even when I can't see straight and I'm madder than a retard losing at chess, I try to make my statements slow and keep anger out of my voice. It is very difficult for me to pull myself out of the situation and realize that he is only a child and I should be a little more understanding.
So anyway, back to Christmas. I got so many really cool things this year. Tron got me the freakin awesomest thing ever! It's a lightning-electro-lampy type thing that lights up with 'lightning' when it hears noise... Where else to put it but right next to my computer. And occasionally I have to blurt out "AHHH" so it will light up and say Hi to me. I freakin love it! My bro got me Diablo, Diablo II and Diablo II Lord of Destruction. For those of you unfortunate enough to not know what I'm talking about it is only the best game EVER! AND... I got a laser level and shirts and levis and and and... GAWD The list goes on! It was freakin awesome!

Ida who??

I have come to the conclusion that God must have invented you and Mountain Dew on a Monday. You are a Monday thing. Explanation follows:
God had to be sitting around for a couple million years before he decided to create our universe... Right? That would have given him plenty of time to come up with the best of the best. Of course he wanted to start with his best foot, or maybe his rib, forward. All fabulous things were invented on Monday, this also includes the Taj Mahal, mobile computing, mobile phones, moccasins, mocha coffee, and of course fish. By Tuesday, he did what he didn't get done on Monday. We are all guilty of this. So Tuesday was a day for the less fabulous, but still fabulous. I'm sure he created interesting things like fire and ice. Now you and I both know that some of the best work you do is when your tired and your creativity gets sparked. That would have been Tuesday. Also on this day he created things like sandwiches, sushi, soccer, sun bathing, sitting around, and surfing (the net of course). Wednesday was a day for rejuvenate, hence salad, softball, sand, stamps, stumps, starts and stops, and shrimp would have been created on Wednesday. Now Thursday God must have been going, "I just haven't got many ideas left, and supplies are getting low." So Thursday he would have created things like posts, farming equipment, flamingo's, giraffes, giants, goblins, hats, horseshoes, hand-grenades and machetties. Friday was the day he created beer, balding men, bad hair days, bombs and large animals. Come Saturday, as he was sipping a Jack Daniels at the end of a long week, I'm sure he turned to St. Peter and said, "Hey Pete, what do we have left in the garage." To which St. Peter would have replied, "Well, we still have a couple parts from a turtle and some vinyl siding." "Great! Slap it together and we'll call it an armadillo, and we'll put it in Texas!"

Recent studies show a new disease on the rise. There are no symptoms. No remedies and no known cure. It has been known to cause death in the elderly tho. Fortunately it is confined to Idaho.

Lies!

I apologies in advance for being rude and curt, there seems to be no other way to get my point across.
Don't talk to me like nothing happened. I feel like a fucking condiment. Like ketchup, or fry sauce. It seems to be that I'm nice to have around, but you don't take requests from fry sauce, it's not suppose to talk back. That is not the way it's meant to be. But by God when that fry sauce is not where it's suppose to be someone's gonna raise hell. I feel like a matter of convenience. "in a minute honey..." yeah, when you feel like it. I try my best not to ask anything of you that I'm not willing to do myself, sometimes there is something I don't have time for or have done and would like some help with this time. I don't like to be a burden and I feel like that's how I'm treated every time I make a request. I feel like I'm suppose to just shut my mouth, cook and clean, and help with the kids, and be happy all the damn time. I'm not allowed to request a phone call if your going to be late because you don't want to have to think about it. Oh and if I do make a request for a phone call or call you to find out where you are, it's my fucking fault for making you stick up for me in front of your friends and relatives. I never asked for you to stick up for me or defend me. I can do that on my own, and frankly, I don't give a fuck what others think of me. If you do and feel the need to play big brother, don't blame it on me, I didn't ask for it.
I'm just rehashing shit that we've gone over many times. I'm done beating a dead horse. If you feel like you don't have to answer to me, so be it. But don't set an expectation that you are not going to meet. Don't lie to me. Don't. That is the one thing that I will never tolerate. I answer to you because I want to and because I love you. It should not be any different for you. If my requests are too much then fucking tell me. Don't lie to me.
Don't take me for granted. I realize that leaving Dill last night was something that you have done before, and not that big of a deal, but it pisses me off when you just assume that I'm okay with something and don't ask. I am more than willing to help out where and when I can but that willingness will cease if I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
They say that everything stems from something deeper. Something that either has not been dealt with or something that keeps recurring. I think this is the base line and shit is gonna pile on it if a solution is not come to. I can see that shit happening right now.
How do you learn to let go. It would be so much easier for me to not care, eventually I'm sure I will get to that point. I wish I could get there a lot faster than I am. Caring is sometimes the most difficult thing one will endure.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE A SHIT!

Bouncy Balls and Bubble Gum!

If it is truly possible to exist for one person, I have found that person. I know because when she walks in the room, nothing else matters. When I am with her, she is my world. I read last night that love is not a feeling but rather something you do. If you love someone, show them. Do something for them. Hmm... thought provoking, eh?
There she is, asleep in our bed. Wrapped tightly in a blanket to thwart off the morning chill. I glance at her one more time before I have to leave for work, and kiss her gently on the lips. Her body is warm but I know that it won't be long before she is forced awake by the children or the alarm clock. As she sombers sweetly I am reminded why I love her. She is my world. I find myself (not that I was lost or anything) yearning to be closer to her, even when we are in the same room. I can't get enough of her touch. Her kisses breath light into my soul and her scent makes me smile profusely. Even today, more than 7 months with her, thinking about being with her makes me giddy. I love you, Tron!
Lately it seems that I keep retelling the same tale of how we met and fell in love. Every time I tell it I seem to get butterflies in my stomach and my heart races. I wouldn't call it something out of a fairy tale but it was damn close.
I saw the snow falling this morning and thought of you, sitting by my side in front of a fire. It quit snowing and the sun came out and I thought of you enjoying the sunshine. I saw a park bench and daydreamed of you sitting there next to me. I went to get a Mountain Dew, and thought of grabbing a soda for you. You are with me, in every thought, action, and step I take. You make my life more comfortable and I have only the hope that I do the same in return. I love you more than a moose loves dew on crisp grass, more than a gay man loves turtle necks, and more than a retard loves bouncy balls and bubble gum. You are my life, my love, and my partner.

911!

I did, today, something I swore I would NEVER do! I have beseeched the devil to my aid. Oh fuck, I'm such a retard! I cannot even believe that I would stoop to this level for anything! EVER! WTF?! All I can say is that I was really desperate. Really desperate! And it did me NO damn good! I got Shit from it! Absolutely nothing. I guess maybe I should divulge what I did... For lack of other things to try, I installed ... dun dun dun ... Norton! EW! It makes me sick just thinking about it! EW!
I have recently discovered that I really hate myspace. It's servers are slow, if ever to respond and half the time it won't let me loggin.
I heard this shit on the radio and I shall elaborate in parts to accelerate the comedic value of the piece... A stoned white man must have invented bunji jumping. Only a white man can derive pleasure from a sport where you hang idly waiting for someone to retrieve your dumb ass. This is, of course, AFTER you have tied a fucking rope to your foot and jumped off a fuckin bridge! How damn stupid do you have to be? You will never see me do that. If you do see me hanging from a bridge by a rope tied to my ankle, CALL THE POLICE cuz someone is trying to kill me!

strange uneasiness

I have been in a seminar all day today learning about 'good customer service'... WTF? My job has nothing to do with customers... EVER! I don't see them, talk to them, greet them or answer their questions. Why did I just waste 4 hours on learning how to 'appropriately provide customer service'? Makes no damn sense to me.
In other news. I feel terrible. Not like a sickness or disease, well maybe a disease, but not quite. Allow me to explain: I have run into an issue that I cannot figure out, it eludes even me and my infinite wisdom, or lack thereof. I am angry, but I know not why. Well, no I really do know why, but it makes no fkn sense to me at all. I wish I could just let go and let God. Ya know?
I just want to be myself and be in control. I am not, on either count. It's like the final round of the Olympics and you lose by a quarter of a nanosecond to some half-wit brain-dead dumbass, that has buck teeth and hair on the tip of his nose. You just cannot lose to someone like that, it does something to your moral fiber, like sand to mirror... Yeah, you can try to buff out all the scratches but in the end your left with less than perfect and far less than you started with. When something like that happens you really have no choice but to acknowledge your mishap and move on, right? What if you can't move on? What if the mistake was one that you will regret for the rest of your natural life, and maybe even longer?
I have lost my knack for letting go of stuff, I've looked everywhere for it, it's not in the freezer (where I left it last time) and it's not on the coat rack where I usually put it. I don't know where the hell it ran off to this time but I can't find it.
I have a lump in my throat that accompanies a strange uneasiness. The closest thing I can get to describe the feeling is, it's the same thing that happens to you right after you get scared out of your mind... Your heart is unsteady, you can barely swallow or breathe. I have that feeling constantly the last few days/weeks or months, I don't exactly remember. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells for no reason. Like I have to be careful what I say to whom, or they may freak out and hurt me.
I hate being isolated, but I fear what might happen if I'm not. I don't want to be the one to freak out, and I guess that's what scares me most. I have so many people in my life that I value exponentially, and I don't want to do or say anything that may jeopardize any of my current relationships.
In my emotional state I find it more and more difficult not to take it out on the children, and my girlfriend. The ones closest to you seem to be the easiest target for wrath. I hate that too.
I can't think straight right now... And if none of this made any sense, join the club, membership dues are $300 payable to yourself. Havanice day.

Behold the Lillies

For any of you who have not seen this picture that I altered using Photoshop... here it is.

The Truth About Santa

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
A Merry Christmas to one and all!!

Alphabet Poem

If I could be a letter, I would like to be a `Q`.
As letters go, it don`t seem `Qs` have all that much to do.
Mostly they get used in words, for doctors and for ducks.
Which may well be the only times that `Qs` get any yucks.
`Qs` are never all alone in anything they do.
Cause any place you find a `Q`, it`s followed by a `U`.
But privacy is something, I have never been too keen on.
I`d rather know, when I feel low, that I got `U` to lean on.

There's that feeling

That feeling wells inside me, like someone cutting my ribs.
I wanna yell and scream, and place my own bids.
It's a frightening thing, being all alone.
With no one to lay comfort, to me, I'm on my own.

Attempts to comfort self usually end in vain.
I am my own worst enemy, and now, I don't seem sane.
I now lay down to sleep, and wrap myself in pillows.
But nothing takes away, my pain and all my sorrows.

I try to push it out, but it seems to grip so tight.
I can't get rid of it, No matter how I fight.
My only way of recourse, Is to play the music loud.
But it doesn't stop the voices that turn into a crowd.

The mirror stares back at me, with a glare I know to well.
I want to wipe the slate, and remove myself from hell.
If true love is out there, Please God, let me find it.
I want to know that feeling, and in my heart, bind it.

Let true love reside there, Forever making peace.
So I may carry on, Once again, at ease.
I want to gently feel, the butterfly kiss.
From the one I love, and will always miss.

For when they're absent, my heart is not alone.
I merely miss them and await their coming home.
Loneliness is a vicious thing, it will tear you apart.
True loves are very different, Cuz they keep you in their heart.

I want that special someone, who will keep me all their own.
So I never have to endure, this painful life alone.
They say all good things, come to those who wait.
I am sick and fuckin tired, of waiting for my fate.

I want to push things along; I want my life to move.
I'm sick of being stuck, in the same ol' fuckin grove.
Please God, hear my plea, I'm done with this stupid crap.
It's time for me to move on, and get out of this fuckin trap.

The Jizr 01/2005

commited...

There are many things that get me goin. Few of those really piss me off. This is one of those things.
We both work all week. I know your tired, I am too. I want a weekend to just relax and be lazy, but when the house looks like it was decorated by a grenade something needs to be done. All I want is HELP cleaning it. I am not asking or telling you to do it yourself. I am requesting help. I'm not the only one that lives here and makes the mess, yet it seems that without becoming an asshole nothing gets done unless I do it myself. Am I asking too much of you? I am trying my hardest to provide a clean comfortable atmosphere and I refuse to do it alone. I am getting tired of being an asshole about things. And very soon I will just start letting it go. Ignoring the mess. Allowing the kids to go crazy, and sinking myself into work or the computer. Ignoring the mess will be easy, I may have to use the headphones to ignore the kids tho. I don't mean to be an asshole about things, I try my hardest to be congenial and polite and say please and thank you. When I do, all I get is "in a minute" or "not right now".
I hate it when you tell me "in a minute" but I hate it worse when it's your children that suffer because you are too tired, or don't feel like it. If you don't respond to my requests, that is fine, I can live with it but your kids can't. They don't understand. They still trust you when you say that you will do something and more often than not it seems that you don't get around to it. This is your end of the deal and your letting it fall thru. Your letting your children down. Love your children enough to stop what your doing and take care of what you told them you would do. Keep up your end of the deal, for them.
My thought is that a relationship (especially when there are children involved) needs to be more than 50/50. It takes both of us giving 100% to make this work. I am frustrated and tired. I need you to help me. Help me keep the kids on a schedule that they can rely on. Help me keep our environment clean. Help me be firm with discipline and bottomless with love. Help me.
I know your first response to this will be that you're sorry. Please don't be. It's not sorrow I want. I want a commitment. I want to know that it will not be like this for the rest of our lives. I want to know that your in this as much as I am.

Let Go and Let God

I was standing outside watching the leaves getting blown around and had an apostrophe.
I feel like that some days, getting pushed and pulled in 4 different directions with no real purpose. In a hell of a hurry to get nowhere, but making excellent progress doing so. Problem is, I seem to end up getting where I'm not going and doing what doesn't need to be done. It's funny, life's little twists and turns. I thought I knew where I was going, turns out, I just want to be going. Doesn't really matter where. I'm content in the drive. Not really, I'm a person that needs to get where I'm going NOW. and NOW... NOW... NOW... I don't know why. The drive sucks and it's one I have made several times. Occasionally I find myself on a road I have not traveled. I have to stop and think about where it is I'm trying to get to. It's usually at this point that I pull out the map and go, "Uhh.. WTF? Oh, it's upside down... There, that's better. Now, where the fuck am I?" There's never one of those convenient dots to say YOU ARE HERE! And that kinda sucks. Then again, the road map of life sometimes sucks... Never really points out a destination, just a bunch of roads you could take, or not. Where do you want to go? How fast do you want to get there? In fact... if you FIND a map of Life... GIVE IT TO ME! I seem to have lent mine to the Pope and haven't gotten it back yet.

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----------------NEXT TOPIC PLEASE------------------
Dear Lord,

I put this in your hands as I feel you are the most capable of handling this situation. I know not what to do, or how to do it. I trust your judgment and leadership. Show me the way by sign or heart, I will listen. I put myself into your all-knowing hands for molding of my character. You have never steered my wrong and I know you never will. I trust you, God. I am letting go, and letting you handle it.

Dear Tron,

I full on trust you. You have never given me reason to do otherwise. You know you have my heart and I know that you will care for it properly. I love you more than anything else. I know what is past is past and the future is us and now. We will be together forever, I have no doubts. You have laid your heart on the line, as have I, and together we can make it thru anything. An awesome quote from a dear friend: "You lift me, I'll lift thee and together we shall ascend." That is how I see our lives, we will lift each other. The pedestal I have you on, you deserve. You are loving and faithful. I know this, and for this reason and more, you deserve that pedestal. If I could build you a larger one, taller and wider than any ever created, I would do so. In my mind you are already on it. I love you. You are an awesome mother to our children and an even better wife to me. I wish for nothing more than to give you the entire world and heavens. My love for you knows no bounds.
Here's to our love, life and the pursuit of happiness, together.

Love, Yoshi

Shoot me now, please.

The innate pleasure of pushing ones body beyond it's normal limits brings new meaning to the term 'shoot me now, please'
10 to 12 hour work days 5 days a week has a way of making you realize how good you had it when you were jobless. But alas, bills don't wait while you find another job. They mock me from my file drawer. Calling me. Harrassing me. Fuckers. I hate you too.

The wife come to visit me at work today, we did lunch. It was fkn awesome! I love her so much! She put on her perfume just for me *grin* The smell of her sweet perfume, wafting around me, makes me miss her even more. I love the way she smells, even without the perfume. She has a certain yumminess. She gives me an animalistic yearning to bite something or scratch something. Makes me wanna scream sometimes. I really wish I could do nothing but be with her all day, everyday. There is nothing that makes a workday go by quicker, or easier than having her beside me. Seeing her at lunch helps, but it's not quite the same.

There is much talk of children, I am at a loss for what to do. I am really trying hard to quit smoking but it seems that the more I try, the more frustrated and angry I become. I hate it. I want to just drop it and start my 'smoke-free' life, but I hate being angry, depressed, bitter, suspicious, nervous, tense, volatile and itchy. I feel like I do nothing but yell and scream. I hate being that way. It brings back many bad memories. I don't wanna remember. I spent too many damn years forgetting it and changing for it to haunt me like it does.

I know that the 50+ hour work weeks will not last long, but it has lasted too long as it is. I am drained, and getting weaker. I am losing sleep and becoming a monster. I don't know a lot about how I feel right now but I do know that I don't like it. Partly the amount of stress I am under right now but also due to a very long working day... every day... all day... when I get home, I wanna sleep. I hate it... so bad.

I am glad that the childrens grandpa seems to be recovering from surgery. I hate to entertain the thought of losing him, for the kids sake. They love him very much, and it's no wonder, he is an awesome man. God watch over him, please.

I love that I seem to know as much or more than people who have been doing my job for months compared to my 6 days. My job is seriously easy. There is a lot to remember, but good notes help tons. Appearently remembering things is not my strong suit. Shoot me now, please.

Vertigo

In as much???

In as much as I love all my friends, I do not condone, solicit nor promote the spam market. I do not reply to, answer, or send any emails, bulletins, or posts that tell me I will die, get hurt, have an aneurism, fall down a flight of stairs, wreck my car, beat my dog, slap my cat, bang my head, poke my finger, strain my back, pull my hair, or have bad luck.

I appriciate that you call me your friend, but please, I do not wish to ignore your emails because they are only spam.

Posted in reply to my wiffer-snapper's blog

Honey,
Your post made me wanna cry. I love you.. and I don't know why you think that your love is somehow inferior to mine, but I know you love me. Although you may never understand why I love you so much, I will tell you this. You have shown me more love than I have ever gotten from any one person. You stand by me, even in the worst of times. You never walk behind me (except at walmart sometimes LOL). I love you for everything that you are and what you will be. I love what I don't know about you, what I do know about you, and what I want to know about you. I love you because of who I am when I am with you. I am a man in love, with you. To quote an awesome movie, "You make me wanna be a better man!"

Who the fuck do you think you are?

That, of course, is a rhetorical question.
Some people just don't fucking know their place.... Even when I thought I was CRYSTAL clear that I was done with you, forever. Sometimes you just need to know when to shut the fuck up and stay out of my life. You KNOW who you are. I am done with you. DO NOT contact me. DO NOT post again to my tagboard. I removed your post, as you can plainly see. Do not make me remove another one. I will say this only one time...
I want nothing to do with you, ever.

Security Clearance Required

Why is it that I must sit and do nothing? There is a greater purpose suppose to be happening and I have to sit and do absolutely nothing about it. I'll tell you why, and to be blunt about it, it fucking pisses me off, I chose to obey the one I love. I chose to follow her wishes and say nothing about it. Even tho she has told me several times that she is self-consience about her appearance, and I can see it in the way she responds, she would rather I not concern myself with it. I cannot help it, I am the way I am, and I CHOOSE to worry about other people. Sue me. I'm guilty as charged. It doesn' t change a damn thing tho. I want to worry about others, I choose not to worry about myself, especially when it comes to things like this. I want her to be in a position that she wants to be in. Appearantly tho, it's not for me to worry about. I have serious concerns about it, and I strongly believe that if you truly want to change who you are, what you look like, how you think, or what you will become, you have to be very proactive in making those changes. Why is it that she seems to turn a blind eye? And why must I ask stupid fucking questions like that when I damn well know the answer. Laziness. It is much easier to give up and give in to what your body or mind tells you it wants, than to have the will power to stand up to yourself and force yourself to better habits.
I'm not much one to talk because I know better than anyone that habits are a very hard thing to break. I sometimes have to wonder if there is a stronger 'survival instinct' that makes us think about the bad things we do to our bodies. God knows I have spent years changing belief structures and re-arranging habits to make myself a better person. God also knows that she has done the same. She is a much better person that she was even 2 years ago. She HAS changed and I know that she wanted that change more than anything. I want this change for her more than anything.
I make this promise, if she were to change that habit... and become the person that she is inside, I will quit smoking. I have smoked more than half my life, and I know she has been like this more than half hers as well. It is a huge change for her, and I realize that better than anyone, it would be a huge change for me as well.
I only want for her what she wants for herself, but lacks the fortitude to make happen. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it change without any effort, but it seems my wand is in the shop.
How can you tell someone, "I love you more than anything in the whole wide world, and I want you to be the best and happiest that you can be."? How do you say that without sounding like a fucking retard? Or worse, sounding nagging?
I am preachy by nature, I come by it honestly from generations of preachers (that is, life's preachers, not Gods). My mother is a preacher, my mother's mother is a preacher, the list continues for days. I make concerted efforts not to be that way but sometimes it just happens. Life happens. Give a shit or not, it makes no difference, life moves on like chain mail. There is no stopping life, love, or the pursuit of happiness. Except for laziness. Laziness can stop all things for one person (and those who love that person). Eventually, your life will become a waste, your love will dicipate and your pursuit of happiness becomes bored and loathsome in the journey. It's a self-defeating spiral of epic proportions. But it can change. You can change. I can change. The cycle can be broken. It has been proven.
Why would she ask me not to worry about her. To me loving someone is being concerned for them. An excellent quote I once saw is "Love is an attitude that says, 'I choose to look out for your interest, how may I help you'." Love is worrying about someone. Love is giving them room to make the choice they want to but also allowing them the opportunity to step back and say, "Hey, it may not be worth it." Is the grass really greener on the other side?
Damn it, I can't seem to get away from the questions tonight. So many unanswered thoughts spiral thru my brain. Thoughts that are without purpose unless they are heard. This is my solumn plea, "Choose to look out for your best interest, so I can trust the one I love in the hands of the one I love." What's worry worth if you cannot trust the one you love to do what is best for themselves? Oye, another question. I think at this point all I have is questions that will never be answered, never be given the time of day. I have so many things that I want to get out and it seems that every fucking time I try I get nowhere. I might as well beat my fucking head on a brick fucking wall. FUCK! I am tired of wasting the energy and breath, and damnit my head hurts. I must retire to bed, for on the dawn new trials await.

nuf said

Here I sit on the crest of a new dawn. My mouth waters. My soul yearns for closure of a once brutal existance. A closure that is soon to come. I know that within me lies the strength to overcome adversity and crush objection. Mustering that strength is something I have never been profoundly good at. It is at this commencement that I beseach all that is good in the world to assist me in my endeavors. God knows that I cannot do this alone.
A wise person once told me, "If you don't know what you want, striving for it is not gonna help." That statement rings more true to me now than ever before. I know what I would be happy doing. I am weary of the well traveled path that now lays before me. Will I lack the commitment to finish the grueling four years of school to make my dreams come true?
I have been sent a most worthy companion. And even in this hour, when I miss her the most, I can feel her encouragement and strength. It is her that I wake for, day after day. It is her that I yearn to see when we are apart. And her alone, that I long to hold. Her loving gaze and tight grasp still make my heart race.

Makeup time

This document has a publish date of September 15, 2005, and a creation date of November 6, 2005, as Instrument No. 2005091501, of Official records.

I'm a DADDY!

K... before anyone freaks out, know this: We are NOT pregnant! (yet :)) BUT! Trons boy is starting to call ME Dad! I FREAKING LOVE IT! I have tried and TRIED, and God knows that I have beat my head against a wall endlessly some days, to be a better father to him than he has known prior to me. I firmly believe that being a Daddy is a frame of mind that most men cannot or just don't want to grasp. I love both those kids (almost) as much as my own. ;) They have grown on me and I even miss them when, like tonight, they are in bed and not runnin around. Don't missunderstand me I love my quiet time too. And do I even need to mention that I love their mother too... Yeah... I thought that had been covered.
OMFG! Speaking of which... I got home today at 5pm, I immediately noticed that there was banana bread on the counter and chicken salad in the fridge... it took me a sec to notice that the dishes were mostly done, and when I went to 'drain the main vein' I noticed that the bathroom was cleaned and organized as well. Talk about freak me out. For a sec I thought maybe I went into the neighbors house instead my own and thought, "Why did my garage door opener work, and why are my wife's clothes on the floor of the NEIGHBORS HOUSE?!" Not really, but I was shocked out of my ever-lovin mind! It was awesome! She is at work until fkn 11pm and that really SUCKS! We have opposite shifts for a little while. But we both make good money doing it so it kinda makes it worth it, but not really when you consider that we really don't see each other that much. I really hope for the best regarding both of our jobs, but I know she doesn't like hers too much. I love mine but the people can be a little... uh... er... well, I guess there really isn't a nice way to say this, they can be very mormon. The standard mormon, seemingly hippocritical and irritatingly irrational. To my mormon friends please don't take that wrong, I'm not trying to insult you or say bad things about you, I'm sure you see the same things that I have seen.
Anywho... It is late and I have been trying to get to bed at a decent time. Leaving the house at 7am to be to work a FREAKIN hour later really sucks and I have to be up at 6am. So, I'm off ta bed.
To those who never call me... I'll go ahead and leave names out of this, because YOU know who YOU are... CALL once in a while! DAMN!
Sorry for such a short post but as you can imagine, I am kinda sleepy... write ya all later.

I hate it when this happens.

I just logged on with a million things in my head to blog about and now can't think of a single fkn one! GRR!

Gum

Has it seriously been that long? It seems like yesterday I was at CP and hating the politics. I am at a much better place now and have very little time to do much of anything. I haven't even had time to think. Buzy trying to finish unpacking and thought I should maybe blog. So far I don't mind my job too much, it's a bit boring, but I have NO sales quota's to meet and all I have to do is focus on QA's and helping the customer... That's what I do best, leave me alone, let me out of this FKN training room and shut up!

bye

I See Stupid Parents....

What do you do when the love of your life wants to seclude him/herself to clear some thoughts? My only thought is: if you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours; if not, they never were. It is painstaking to even consider the possibilities.

I am a man that is stuck forever in thought. If I'm not thinking about something, I must be asleep. These constant thoughts are very good for me most of the time, but sometimes it causes doubt and suspicion where it is not warranted. I know how to process thoughts and rationalize doubt but what I'm lacking is the ability to process what other people are thinking or going thru. I told her yesterday that it would pain me more to see her go thru a stressful time alone than it would to assist her thru it if I could. I would much prefer the stress between two shoulders than one. She said she does not want to burden me with her mental stresses... but isn't that what a relationship is about? Sharing your joys and sorrows, stresses and shortcomings. I want to share my life with her, and hope that she will allow me to share hers. We have all seen the "Princess Bride," right? My favorite quote is from that movie, "...one day, to her amazement, she realized every time he said 'as you wish' what he really meant was 'I Love You'"
I have never been in a love where I would EVER consider giving up my cell phone... It is my life and livelyhood. And my choice. The service was going to be gone anyway, but selling the phone would certainly help with the finances right now. We need to go to Boise, AGAIN... the fifth weekend in a row. We need gas money to get there! Oh, the horror!!! I love Boise... More than that I love the opportunities and free DTV service! But the sale of the phone will be a good thing and help to get caught up on some things. It's still so depressing.
I leave you on a lowbrow moment....
I saw him.

I saw the kid with the one bandaged eye and the only other, closed and cringed in pain.

I saw the father holding his hand, looking back toward the doctor, waving saying thanks, walking him through the door.

The kid has his eyes closed, dad.

Bam, right into the door frame.

Said kid, holds his nose instead of his head.
You could see his pain in the look of his eye.

Stupid dad.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Has YOUR BLOG been PIMPT by the JIZR?

Okay... So finally a list I've compiled of Blogs that I have created and given to their respective authors. For your viewing pleasure..... dun dun dun....

http://eclipsedream2001.blogspot.com/
http://kinipeli.blogspot.com/
http://bccw123.blogspot.com/
http://gremlin17sblog.blogspot.com/
http://philey.blogspot.com/

Happy reading to you all... enjoy the details in my creations.

Happy Jappy! DUDE, WHAT?

Watching the city from high, it is nearly sunset and the city is buzy. I can see people too caught up in their lives to know that someone was watching them. I felt like a stalker of sorts. There is a calming peace that can be found when you put everything out of your mind and listen to the crickets and birds sing their solomn lullaby. A calm that only nature can provide. I must have sat in that same spot for an hour. I watched as the sun faded behind the mountains and the city began to come alive. It was as if I was watching a bat sleep, as soon as the sun faded it came to life. Lights came on one by one then more and at some point it was as if the sun had come back up over the city. It was bright again and buzier than it seemed before. I watched planes land and planes take off. I watched people come and go. I heard a single cricket and watched it as it lulled itself into bliss. I love nature for the peace that can be found within. Total time on hill, 2 hours. I think that was the single longest and shortest time in my entire life. So many things go thru my head in a normal two hour time slot and this seemed to be so many more and yet it was so many less. I guess it was just different maybe not less or more. I wish that I could capture some of the thoughts and bottle them for later recovery. Problem is, I can't really remember most of what went thru my head, and to take a pad just ruins the experience.
I could probably count, on one hand, the number of words that have come out of my mouth since I left the hill. Quiet contemplation. It is peaceful bliss. My ass still hurts from the damn rock I was sitting on and it's been almost an hour since then.
One thought I do remember was that statistically, so many things happened in the two hours that I was up there. X number of people got in a car crash, Y number of people choked on their seatbelt when it happened. Quite amazing to think of all the things that happen, even if you do nothing. The world continues. People will go about the humdrum of daily life, sometimes clueless to the world around them. I get caught up in that sometimes. I have stated many times that I get stuck on the monotony of life but if you really look around life is full of change, things change. Everyday something is different. If you focus on the differences that take place around you everyday how would it be possible to fall into the rut of monotony? I could probably answer that question, but I'll leave well enough alone, and let you contemplate that for a while.
Something about the damn crickets tho.... I cannot seem to get the sound out of my head. It was so melodious and freeing, then when the birds joined, the harmony was incredible. I want that on cd, digitized forever and always. Ready on demand for my listening pleasure. BTW, I do NOT have control issues.
The move to Boise seems to be coming along as best as can be planned. I want this to go as smoothly as possible (duh!), but how? That is the question. I am anxious to start a new job in a city that I love, with the only woman in the world fit to share it with me. Even as she sits behind me, clueless as to what I'm typing, she will know soon enough that I will always love her. How can you tell someone that you want to grow old with her, without sounding like a complete jap, er uh, sap, I mean? I want her to know that I have never, ever had a stirring in my heart like I do now. Seconds tick by, turning into minutes that turn into months and it seems that we have been together forever and yet it seems that only days have crept by. I have heard before that love is timeless and now I agree. When your in love seconds can seem like days and years can seem like an instant. How can I make her understand that this instant and every instant after this, I want her to be mine. I want to share my life with her. How can I let her know that she is irreplacable. At this beginning of our lives together, I feel that things are delicate. Considering the span that I know our relationship will last, the last two months seem so insignificant and yet it is the most important part because it is the foundation of our mutual binding. I firmly believe that the foundation of a relationship is certainly the most important, and I also feel that we have an awesome start to that.
We have driven alot lately and even in the monotony of the road, I glance in her direction and see her sleeping peacefully and cannot help the smile that comes to my face. Sometimes I just stare at her until she looks back at me, just to see the way her lights up when she sees me staring at her. Staring is rude, I know, but I can't help it.
Today's final thought... My life began when my oldest child was born and has ramped to unbelievable heights with the introduction of my love. I can't wait to see where we will go from here. If the excitement doesn't kill me, I may just live to be a happy old jap.

Longing...

Do you know that I long for you? I long for your touch, the gaze of your eyes, the warmth of your hand. I wish you could feel my heart when it tells me that you are the one. The one I've been waiting for, the one I cannot be without. You are the one. When we part you take my heart with you... You always have. I feel complete again when you are near and only then. When my body aches the morning after, the only thing to soothe me, is you. When my mind is racing, you calm me. When I dream, you are there. You are the one. I see forever in your eyes, and look to the past for guidance. You help me see myself in an all-encompassing view. I see myself with you. Forever your friend and lover. I love you.

ps, sorry about the boobie bruise and sore wrist (it really was an accident).

Power of the FUNNY!

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," the inferior one, which must be eaten immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
In general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to evolve, adapting to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, one M&M remains, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." (god willing, it survives the postal service)
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
Afterall, there can be only one.
*stolen from some lame fk on lowbrow.

Why?

I do not know why. It is a question that will forever be unanswered. I will say this tho, if you are my friend, you are in a very coveted spot. My friends know that I will do anything in my power to assist them whenever they need it and for any reason. As I have said before just let me know if I need to bring a shovel so I can be prepared. I will do anything for my friends or family. There was a time in my life when things were not as important to me as they are and there were many friends that helped me when I was closer to death than I have ever been. I owe a debt that will never be repaid. It is this debt that makes me the stronger, better person that I have become and I will never forget. I owe more to my friends than I would have ever anticipated. If I turn my back on a friend when they need me, I am no better than the serial killers that rot in our prisons. I cannot afford that amount of selfishness or lack of ambition. It would make a part of me die, a part of me that I have been nurturing and allowing to grow for a year now. I think part of what has made me the person I am today is my assistance to others. I feel it makes me stronger and I learn from the experiences. I become a better person for what I assist others to endure. The hardest thing we do in life is suffer thru loneliness and depression. When possible I wish for them to both go away. If I can assist in that process, I am more than willing.
One of the hardest things for me to learn was the separation between people and actions. I love my children even tho I do not always approve of their actions. It was even more difficult because of our society and the way that they judge people based on someone's actions. I do not condone the judgments because they are usually for good cause and I do believe that if someone does something that is illegal, immoral or fattening, they should have to suffer the consequences. I have a tendancy to demand good behavior from a person to love them and I'm getting over that slowly. I have more love for others and myself than I have ever had. I am fortunate to have such loving people in my life. My only hope is that those people I love feel the support and assistance.
I found an awesome quote to end my post with today...
"We are not put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through."
Source: Anonymous

Ode... once again.

To my dear friend Doc Phildo, I give thee two 'meaningless' peices of advice; Roll with the punches and keep your head up. Change is inevitable, it happens to the best of us and the worst of us. Roll with it and make yourself the rock of ages in a river of constant change. You are a powerhouse! Keep your head above the swirling politics and mind-numbing retardation and I think you will pull thru just fine. Change is the one thing that makes us who we are. Keep in mind that if you had no change, you would still be crying for a boobie or a bottle and shittin in yur pants. Not zesty!
To another dear friend Ice, I give thee any support you need for you are worth it and one day you will see that. Even tho you will probably deny this till you die, I know that you fight with depression and I know that to some extent you think that you are not worth 'it' but I also know that you are! You always have been! Rise up like a phoenix and claim your dues. Your time is at hand.
Wow... enough with the inspirational mumbo jumbo, and onto something else. I have this friend that I sit next to at work... she is awesome but has not gotten any in 3 months and she is talking my ear off and driving me to drinking... SOMEONE JUST FK HER PLZ! LOL

Fight Hate with Kindness.

What does it take to alter the fabric of your reality. For one person it may not be as much as you would think. Consider this, if something that you knew to be true, tested and tried and firmly believed in, were a complete lie, how would you handle it? What if you found out that this thing you completely believed in was made up? Think of a belief that you know to be true, such as a death of a loved one. What if the death was not from natural causes... What if it was a murder, what if it was you that murdered them? Never having recollection of the events but someone showed you video proof that you did in fact, murder your loved one. Think about it. Would that alter your sense of truth?
Our lives are like a quilt, started by our parents and shaped and designed by the ones closest to us. Eventually we become our own unique entity, separate from everyone else in the world, but molded in the same fashion. Shaped by the same things and contorted by what we believe. 'We hold these truths to be self evident.' Isn't that written somewhere important? The truths we hold are rarely self evident and seldomly true. What if you felt a vital thread of your quilt being ripped from it, slowly. Slowly tearing you apart. Call it 'normal wear and tear.' Maybe that was the thread that makes you believe in miracles. Or maybe it was the one held your values close to your quilt.
My quilt seems to be patchwork. Many different pieces, gathered throughout the years, to make me whole. Twice in my life, that I recall, I have had to gather additional pieces and thread and stitch together some vital part of my being. It seems though now that I may have missed a piece that should have been collected years ago. I have never noticed it missing until today. There is something physically wrong with me. Not life threatening, at least I hope not, but my body is starting to show signs that are unmistakable. I have lived my entire 27 years, without so much as a consideration to this and now it has hit me square in the face. I think everyone reaches a point in their life where they feel that nothing can go wrong. I know I have. I lived in that bubble for many years and now I am changing. What would it take to make a man feel like less of a man or a woman to feel like less than a woman? I am not concerned for my physical well-being as much as I am for my mental well-being. I consider myself healthy (for the most part) and trust that my body will take care of what it can. I am concerned that the 'fight or flee' aspect of my brain will choose to flee. I cannot hide from myself. I spent most of my childhood doing that and I will not allow it any longer. My only other option is to face it, deal with it and fight. The question then becomes; how do you fight something that you cannot punch, pound, smack, shoot, slaughter, maim, or at least disgrace by spitting on it? It's like fighting a feeling. How do you fight against anger, resentment, fear, or hate? They say you should fight fire with fire. And what? Make a blazing inferno? You cannot fight fire with fire, nor the opposite. Fighting fire with ice is almost as effective, as ice will not put out a fire until it melts and becomes water. So the answer seems simple... Fight fire with water. Likewise, you should not fight hate with hate nor fight hate with love, but rather fight hate with kindness. So if my problem is fear and the opposite of fear is anticipation, there is a middle ground that I'll pinpoint as analyzing. I should then fight my fear with my analytical tendencies. I have realized that I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of being up high on something that is not safe, like a defective ladder or shaky scaffold. Maybe I just need to analyze this more and draw some conclusions. While I analyze this analyzation I must remind myself, don't be to analytical. I just used the prefix 'anal' three times in the same sentence, BAH!

HUNKER SOLDIER!!

Damn, I get long winded some days.

The last 6 days have been quite trying to ones love and preservation of self. I have been nurturing to my children and my love, but there are somethings that love cannot cure. Such as the infection that has taken over my love's kidneys and bladder. She is now on some very strong antibiotics and continues her regimine of IB but still has very little energy and absolutely no drive (if you know what I'm sayin). It seems not to matter because her being sick has taught me a couple of things. I'm thankful for the lessons as I continue to grow and learn from my master teachers. Fear has got to be the best teacher I have. I know when I am scared of something that there is a lesson in the making. What stresses me most is that the lesson will not be learned to it's extent or as quickly as it should be. I will be the first to admit that I am a fkn moron sometimes! We all know this. It's nothing new and will never be anything new. Speaking of being scared of something; we were sitting in the doctors office today and I realized (once again) life is very precious. It dawned on me today that even as sure as we are of things, anything and everything can change... At any second. Your life can be completely fkd and then fate will twist the knife in the wound and you could be left bruised and bleeding with noone to turn to. Not that I have personally been put in that situation, ever, but it totally could happen. I sometimes have to bring myself back to reality because I seem to get lost in the world that I have created for myself and seem to enjoy quite feverishly. I love her. I seem to love her more with each passing day. I would do anything, short of harming my children (or hers), for her. Speaking of her children the four year old told me he loved me the other night, and it brought tears to my eyes. I have become attached to them to and they are quickly becoming as important to me as my own children are. If there were any better analogy for this I would use it but here goes; I was once told that if you truly love someone, unconditionally, you could see yourself growing old with them (this next part gets a little... um... ew, but read on) and you could see yourself taking care of them thru anything, even incontinence, should it come to that. I think that was the biggest run-on sentance I have ever done. I think it holds weight. I have seen couples in that stage of their lives where one is wiping the others ass because they could not do it themselves. Kinda nasty to think about but I would not want anyone else to wipe my ass should it come to that. To think of it now kinda makes me giggle. Picturing myself hunkered over a toilet in a half squat while she wipes my wrinkled, sagging, hairy ass.

Enough with the fear factor moment... I seem to recall having an awesome time in Le Bios. I met her sister, who I have heard SO much about. She is so much like her sister. OH and I met their children of which my favorite loves John Deere's and large trucks! I tought him a couple things about them and promised him that we would go for a ride on my cousin's REAL John Deere when I get moved down there. Oh and her husband freakin kicks ass too! He's into computers and does programming and such. OMFG! I just wanna download his brain to a harddrive and have it on hand for whatever, I told him that too. He thinks I'm a stalker freak, I'm sure... But I dun care! So yeah it was really kewl to be there again, and now even kewler with the thought of actually being able to move there and be there more permanetly. The children would have a good school to go to and they would already have friends there. We both have family over there and it would be an easy adjustment for almost everyone.

OMG look at the time, gotz ta hunker down soldier. The brown round is lookin for some relief and I need to bunk up. Later Ya'll!

Lets catch up...

Hope you have time for a post drug up from the depths of father time's cavern of great procrastination because this is one of those posts.
Lets get started, shall we? :)
We're going back many, many years ago to a time when life was simpler, hair was bigger, and cars were louder. Back to a time when frogs were cool, moms were mean, and your father beat you when you were bad. A time when time-outs were.... Time-outs? yeah right! Back to a time when car seats were made to sit on, not get into, seatbelts were optional, not required by law. You know the time I speak of, now it's time for the setting... Picture, if you will, 1985. I was in second grade being taught by a teacher that I can't remember in a classroom that I wouldn't recognize but I can tell you that the timeframe was a good one, I have no bad memories from that time period. The next year, however; many bad memories. The one memory that sticks out the most... My third grade teacher was a real ass. I was in a fairly rough group of kids and it was a good idea at the time to spit on our teachers car. Bad news came when the teacher looked out the window and only saw ME spit on his car. He made me stay after school to wash his car off. This was after it has set in the sun all freakin day and crusted on there. It was so nasty, but I will say that I have never spit on a car since then (at least not intentionally). Enough about third grade tho, lets move on.
Fourth grade. My teacher was Mrs Owen, she kicked ass. My fav part of that year was that she had a lid to an old popcorn popper. All of our names went into the lid and then she would pass it around and we'd pick out a name of who would read next. I do not rightly know why this was so intriguing to me, but it was. I loved reading time, which is very strange because, for the most part, I don't read for pleasure. Didn't have much else that happened that year that I remember so we'll move on to fifth grade. What a year. No not really, this was the year I got into D&D and actually read a book cover to cover, a very good feat for a child who doesn't read. To date that is only the third book I have ever finished. The second book was Life 101 by Peter McWilliams (an awesome book) and the third was Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford (a very good book as well). It takes a serious movement for me to read a book and actually finish it. I get bored easily.
Fifth grade... a boring year, I learned to play tether ball and swing a bat. Big whoop. That was also the year I went to school with a huge bump on my head from my father's knuckle. It hurt, bad. I swore I wasn't coming back home after that... as it were, I was on the bus after school and ended up back at home. Fate hated me. For the longest time I was certain that I would have that damn bump forever. It seemed to be there for months! It sucked.
Sixth Grade. That was an interesting year. I got into band, playing the clarinet and saxophone. I didn't like band much, except for the recitals that we did, and that was just because I could show off a little. It wasn't until the next year that I liked band then hated it again when I got into highschool. Sixth grade was very interesting tho because that was about the time that I decided that life was gonna suck forever, period.
Seventh grade was pretty much the same stupid crap, school was okay, my circle of friends had completely changed from the prior year and I knew almost no one. There were of course the 2 or 3 close friends that I had that seemed to stick with me but most of my friends were long gone. I sometimes wondered what happened but then I just gave up. That was the first of many things that I gave up on but we'll save that for another post.
Eighth Grade. A mutany of gargantuan proportions. Life was very twisted that year. Things happened, people died, those who should have died, didn't. I became posessed to write poems and contemplate what happens after death (I still have not come to a conclusion about that). To this point in my life I had lost a brother and a sister, a grandmother and a grandfather, and several pets. My life seemed to revolve around death. I became fascinated by it and often contemplated what it would be like. Dying I'm still sure would hurt, but being dead I'm sure is not that painful. Most of my poetry from that time period revolved around death or pain or some such crap. Not zesty! Lets continue, shall we? YES
Freshman Yeah... Yeah, not even talking about that.
Sophomore year... What a time that was. I don't remember exactly when it was the my voice was changing but I do remember that it was this year sometime and I was in a barbershop quartet. There were four of us (hence the 'quartet') and all of us were out the same age. It was at this time that I developed my love of music. It didn't seem to matter what type of music it was, I loved it all. I was raised listening to country. I started listening to Metallica, Megadeath and the like. Later I got into Alternative music and power metal. I even got my hands on a bootleg copy of Sawetell, that was awesome! I wanted to go to concerts so bad but could never justify spending that kinda money on a ticket for a show that was way too loud and too long for standing. Well, that and the drive to get somewhere they had it at, which btw was only THREE HUNDRED FREAKIN MILES!! But eh, what is a guy to do. Also while I was a sophomore I also learned powerful techniques with the ladies, such as, wooing them into my bed with the cunning use of oral gas, and bribing them to do things for me with my dashing charm. It was a treachery. Oh to look back at the stupid shit that I used to do. Some of which I still do, blast it all, it seems to work the same too... I can't figure that out. LOL
Junior Year. what a waste of my time. I could bench press more than my weigh in lead and eat about as much. Life was good, I had a job that paid well (well for my age and skill levels) and enjoyed spending the money I was 'raking' in! Most of it went to pointless dates and dead end 'opportunities' to make money. I am such a moron sometimes. This was the year that I totalled my mothers car, sorry mom. That was an experience that I learned a great deal from... In fact most of my junior year I learned alot from. I learned that you can never trust a woman, no matter what kind of nail polish she has on or what kind of perfume she wears. Behold the antiquities of youth.
Senior Year. Need I say more. I missed more of my last semester than I attended. It was bad, too much work and not enough school. I was sure enjoying that money tho, *snickers*. The VP of my school thought it a good idea to call my mother and question her about the days I had missed, because I had too many absences to graduate. She told him that it was okay and to let me graduate and she would punish me afterwards. My own mother allowed me to graduate even tho I technically should not have. THANKS MOM! I would have hated doing senior year again. My life was finally turning around, or so I thought. This was also the first time in my life that I got a happy meal from McDonalds. My gf at the time took me to get one on my eighteenth birthday. wasn't that sweet? *gag* So yeah... I cried. I'm such a ninny like that. Graduation came and went and there I was working my jap ass off to make some money. I was po and knew it! I was living with two of my best friends in a basement apartment that was infested with nastyness and mexicans. That was the only time in my life that I have ever had something of value stolen from me and it happened to be my ENTIRE collection of CD's and my cd player. It was stolen from my car and the total came to over $400. It was not good, I was so pissed. I had worked hard to get the money for that collection. The one memory that sticks out the most from that apartment was the day that Rite-Aide had a sale on Mtn Dew, Grass and I got enough to completely fill the back of his S10 blazer. Once we got it all inside it was stacked next to the fridge from floor to ceiling, two rows deep and stacked the entire width and depth of the top of the fridge to the ceiling as well, and it was a short fridge! That lasted us almost 3 months. Between the two of us, we went thru almost a 24 pack per day. That was an enormous amount of Mtn Dew. I miss that stack. :)
OMFG! Breif intermission while I brag for just a moment... I totally just talked to THE Computer GOD! The very one! HOLY SHIT! I almost creamed myself! I will say that his voice sounds different than when he's on TV. But he totally said, "Thanks *my name here*" I asked him about his blog. DUDE IS AWESOME! I am so high right now! WOOT!
So, anyway, where was I. Ah yes, so after my excuzion from high school I decided that it would be a good idea to become a CNA (certified nurse aide). I truly enjoyed that experience and like many other experiences it was an awesome learning tool for me. I learned the value of family and relatives as well as the value of a hard days work. CNA work is grunt work so I got out of that and started into CMA (certified medication assistant, or something similar). That was so much easier and it took me from working in nursing homes to assisted living centers. That was nice because it got me out of the adult diaper changing industry and short term care. I was about to switch to home health because I thought that might be even better but then I got an offer to do EEG (electroencephlagram) monitoring. Pay was better and the job was the easiest thing I've ever done but the hours sucked. I was doing 7pm to 7am 12 hr shifts, four on four off. That was okay for a while then one night when my boss decided to pay me a little visit, I happened to have Metallica playing and I was jumping around the room like an ass. She fired me the next day, bitch. I then went to work for a call center that I, unfortunately still work for. I have had jobs also in the duration of time since I first started here, two with HP, DirecTV, Convergys and DRS, Inc. It has been a huge learning experience and I was on TV twice. So not too bad i spose. Enough about work stuff and school stuff for now... that pretty much brings you current.

I've had an APOSTROPHE!

You know when you are sitting idly on some Tuesday night, and you have a thought that hits you like base-ball bat to a 7-11 clerk at one am while he's being robbed. I had one of those thoughts, it was more a movement really, a life shuttering emotional thingy. Unbelievable! My apostrophe has been a long time-a-comin. I have often wondered what my life would be like as an old man. I used to be afraid of getting old, becoming too old to do the things I enjoy doing now. I have now realized that there are many things that you can do when you get old that you cannot do now. IE sit around for days at a time, while you watch your grandkids play, then send them home with your child. Life seems to be much more experienced as one ripens. By this I mean that as you get older, things that you have never noticed before start to become events that are worth stopping your day for. Anyway, back to my apostrophe, I hunger to ripen to a good old age, accompanied by the one I love. With her by my side, I fear nothing. My hate turns to dislike, and my emotions are much more stable and yet, at the same time, they are heightened beyond my wildest dreams. Congnitive analysis tells me that I am in love. I feel like I'm in love, and for the first time in my life, I trust in it completely. I trust her completely. I am not concerned with the monotony of normality. It is beginning to intrigue me, much the same way a small kitten looks at a dog for the first time. Somewhat confused, but very excited. And, the way I see it, I have already grown a strong liking for the way things are progressing, and eventually I can see the kitten and the dog being the best of friends.

THANK YOU!

I have heard that things happen for a reason... I have contemplated this so many times that I have begun to develop my own versions of fate and faith. At this point I firmly believe that when you are at rock bottom, fate, faith or fact will step in and guide you to the resolution that you need. Not necessarily the resolution you want, but the one you need.
If I could talk to God right now, I would thank him for allowing me to be with the most wonderful person in the entire world. The person that compliments my being and sparks light where there has only been darkness. I would thank him for showing me that there is more to this life than hateful, vengeful people, and thank him for leading me to one such person. I would thank him for allowing me to love her and for allowing me to feel her love for me. I would thank him for my senses because I can see the love in her eyes and feel the love from her heart. I would thank him for my sense of touch that allows me to feel her closeness and hold her when she needs. I would thank him for my mind that allows me to process the love we share. I would thank him for the opportunity to be with someone that I can help that also helps me. I would thank him for her beautiful children and for mine, and for the way they seem to get along so well together. I would thank him for allowing my love to expand to include her children as well as her, and for the continuing expansion of that love. I would thank him for putting us thru what he has because in the end I know that we will be better, stronger, happier people than we could have been without his help. I would thank Him. I would thank her. Tron, you are my life, I love you! (insert kissy face here)

Spanish Kisses...

And you thought I was sick?

Well, I am... sick that is. I am sick. I don't get sick that often, in fact, I don't remember ever going to a doctor because I was sick. I went once for stitches and once for a tetanus shot when I stepped on a huge spike, but never for an illness. I want to maintain that track record. I hate doctors with a passion felt only by the pope toward the debo. It seems tho, as I get older, the worse my memory becomes. I used to be able to remember stuff that happened last week... now, unless it's a significant alteration to the norm, I can't remember crap. It just aint happnin. Prolly never will again.
The gf has a clip she is dying for me to hear/see, she claims this to be one of the funniest things she's ever seen. I can't wait! Mostly I just wanna see her reaction when she watches it again, but I'm sure it will be entertaining. I love her more than broccoli! She found it at 'ill will press' there is a link on my page for that website. I have heard that it is really an awesome site, but I never found anything of comical value there. So I quit looking at it. I almost even took the link off my page, but so many people think its funny that I just left it there. Eh... It's just a link.
We talked briefly about moving to boise and me going to school before she does. That would be really strange. It's hard for me to imagine that someone would put me before themselves. Or even consider it. I have been dreaming about going back to school for some time now and never really had the opportunity to. Moving to Boise now would be freakin awesome! I love Boise and have friends there. I miss them terribly! I hate this little decrepit town. I didn't wanna move back here to begin with. GET ME OUTTA HERE!
today's blog is full of random thoughts... for my next thought, we gonna discuss popcorn. Have you ever noticed how the smell of popcorn seems to give you a craving for it? I don't like popcorn usually. I tolerate it during movies but for the most part, I would rather have something else, anything else. Except water. I hate water worse than popcorn. That's bad. Oh! But I love corn. Corn kicks ass! You can eat it with anything too. And beef, cuz it's what's for dinner! I think I just like food, period. Yup, that's affirmative. The Jizr likes food.
Anyway, enough with the rambling today... I think I'm done.

Get lost in the music.

Another day is almost come and gone. I am a year older, as of yesterday. Funny thing is that I hate saying that I'm 27. It's sounds so much closer to 30 than 26 did. So from now on I'm 26 plus one. How ya like them apples?! Trample off eh! I don't wanna get any older. My b-day was fairly uneventful, kinda nice, it wasn't hectic and crazy. It was very nice having someone to share my day with tho. It just so happened that she is now sitting clear across the building from me at work, so I don't see her very often. That really sucks. Her first day across the building was yesterday, and my b-day. Grr! But I'm glad she doesn't work somewhere else. It is so nice to have her here when I wanna smoke and snuggle a bit... Problem is that when we're outside, I don't wanna go back to work. That could get me into trouble. GR!
I have had a sore throat recently, a friend from work gave me some homemade cure-all tea that taste like ass rolled in a tortilla and dipped in shit. It was nasty! I hate tea anyway but now I really hate tea! I need more profin for my headache.
There is much to be said for the celebration of mediocrity. We will find any excuse to have a beer, eat some cake, party with friends, or just do absolutely nothing. It seems to be the course of humanity. More convienience and less work. More daycare's and less single income families. When your needs exceed your income, it's time to reanalyze what is really important to you. Are you being fair to yourself to expect more than what you are bringing in? Can you really anticipate your own needs and take care of number one? Do you know what you want? Do you know what you need? DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE? Time to find out.

God Bless America!

So we went to lunch yesterday, the first time we have eaten away from home in quite some time, and to my surprise the restaurant we chose had 3 cocks on the wall. They were just hangin there, all kinds of out in the open n shit. Talk about ruin lunch. LOL I hate staring at chickens while I'm tryin to eat red meat.
We have been staying at her parents house the last few nights to look after the place and take care of the dogs n such. Her father is a tinkerer. I freakin love that. I love to stare around at the awesomeness that surrounds the place. That man is freakin awesome! He can weld like a pro and has a creative streak a mile wide! I think him and I will get along just fine. :)
I seem to be slowly losing some weight. 18 pounds so far. Really the only thing that changed was, well, moving in w my gf and I don't spend near the amount of time on the computer as I used to. I would like to spend a little more time on the computer but I would rather spend that time with her and the children. The other thing that changed was this: I used to eat until I was full, now I eat till I'm not hungry. Sometimes, I will say, I can't stop eating but most of the time I do pretty ok, I guess.
I'm sure you read in her blog the whole singing thing, right? So now that song is her son's fav song to listen to while we drive. Don't get me wrong, I freakin love that song, but ok... Enough is enough. 3 times in a 20 min drive is going a little overboard. For now it's quite alright, but this has got to slow down or I'm gonna lose my MIND! LOL.
For those of you that are weak of mind or fraile of heart and don't like the mushy stuff, ya best stop readin now. Yesterday she was wearin this low cut button up shirt, GRRR... It seriously took the restraint of a thousand monks not to jump her. It was so tempting me. Then she looks at me with that 'come and get me' smile, I damn near threw her on her desk and... Well, I need not elaborate. You get the point. She is turning me into a crazed maniac. I got a severe case of tickleishness the other night, it was so bad that even the blankets were making me giggle. I have never been tickleish, EVER... And now all a sudden, BAM! And I'm a fkn maniacle laughing machine! It's very strange.
We were talking today at lunch about various things, I came to a conclusion tho... It seems, no matter what she is doing, I wanna just grab her and make her hold me. I never want to let her go. You know when you see the photo's in the portrait studio and the family pictures always look like the perfect family... That is the best way I can describe how I see us. It seems so perfect and things seem to fit so well. I am in awe. How can it seem that fate hates me for so long then, in what seems like a loophole in the system, I'm handed this beautiful woman to share my life with. I whored myself out to lady luck and she came thru for me. This only happens in the USA. God bless america!

Ode To My Pillar

How can it be that love is such a motivating force? Is it really that important to the substantiation of human existance? I am beginning to believe that love will conquer all. When I feel weak, she is my iron rod. When I need time, she is my clock. When I need, she is there. I've lost my heart to a woman that is truly worthy of it's safe keeping. The reasons for my love are obvious; however, the reason for her love of me are seemingly hidden. Not saying that I'm a yellow sloth cow but the amount of love she has for me is inconceivable for my feeble mind. I know not what drives the passion, but I am grateful for it! I have never known what it is like to be lost in love, until now. To even look into her eyes lights my soul and broadens my view. Every morning when I wake up, I yearn to see her, hold her, be with her. She seems to be my pillar of strength.

I gotta pee!

Have you ever noticed that you are completely relaxed only a couple times in a day. Sometimes not even that much. But I just noticed that one of those times for me is when I pee. It's the strangest thing. Usually nothing on my mind, complete relaxation. It's kinda kewl, I wish I could pee 100 times a day if it would be that same feeling. LOL. I crave relaxation. I think that is the bulk of why I have done so much research into techniques and such. I wish I could find the perfect relaxation technique. That would be freakin kewl. But till then, I guess I'll just have to deal with what I know so far.

I have found another means of relaxation, we'll call it relax-o-tron. This technique for relaxation can be exhausting but mostly it's very effective. I seem to be more at ease with everything. I used to think that things will just work out, either by themselves or with some intervention. That theory changed about a year ago, and is just now, slowly returning. Life seems to be much easier. Problems are solved with less complication and more resolve. I seem to have a spice for life that I have been trying to get for what seems like EVER! I love going home after work, I love being around and even tho this really cuts into my sitting around time, I am more content than I have ever been. Love is a powerful thing. I don't believe that it could physically move a mountain, but it does so much for people.

As most of you know I have become a disestablishmentarian in the last 9 or so years. It is good for my heart to know that she is also, at least regarding the reverse-psychosis that plagues this town. It is so nice to feel like you want to becoem a better person rather than feeling like you HAVE to. Have to's can kiss my ass!

Work is becoming easier to endure. She makes it more pleasant. A beam of light to a dungeon with plastic head-phone-shaped shackles and an invisible forcefield that contains all beings to the vacinity. My light house on a dark stormy sea. Show me the way, and allow me to walk it on my own terms. That is all I ask.

WTFH?!

Well as a turn of recent events, my boss now thinks that I lied to him. I totally did not! EVER! He seems to think that the circumstances are odd... Yes, I will admit that the events seem a bit out of the ordinary. Anyone that knows me, knows that my life is anything but ordinary. But I never lied to him! I can see where he would get that idea but yeah, I totally told the truth! That's a humdinger right there!
Many people seem to be confused with regards to my love life... let me just clear a couple things up here. LJ decided that it was a good idea not to talk to me anymore, no explaination. Appearantly I didn't deserve that much. Secondly, I am dating a wonderful woman that I work with. We have been friends for freakin ever. I have moved in with her.
Enough with the impersonal update shit. Time for some mush!
There is a love stronger than any other, a love that you have for your children. Completely unconditional. That kind of love is powerful beyond human cognition. You would do anything, including life risking tasks, to save your child from impending doom. This is the level of love that I am talking about, and although I would not say that my love for her is at that stage yet, it is a very close second. And she thinks she needs me? I beg to differ.

Whatev.

Sometimes I wonder what life really has to offer... The answer to that question is Love. Love of humanity love for someone else and love of self. Sometimes I wonder if there is something I am missing. I have found love. Not that I lost it, because there was always the love for my children. I thought that I had known love before but there was so much to love that I never even considered; a connection beyond the physical intimacy of a relationship. I sometimes have to think that love is more than the visible things. But there is a love that can be seen in the eyes of your lover; a love so profound that I cannot even begin to explain it. You know that sparkle that people often claim someone has when they're in love, it's kinda like that sparkle when you can look into someones eye's and just know that, to them, you are the best thing in the entire world. It's almost a sense of worship, I feel like Budda when I look into her eyes. I feel like a God of sorts. All powerful and all knowing. I am not, but the feeling is incredible. What's even more strange is that I see her in the same light. She is amazing and very independant yet at the same time gives me the feeling that she needs me, like I need her. Every time I look at her she is more sexy and provoking than the day before, and when she gives me a passing glance it sends fire thru my body and sparks my mind, thoughts I had given up on, hope is returning, that I had also given up on.

Enough with that tho, just an update I have decided to move in with her so we are now living together. I love it!

She thinks she needs me. - Andy Griggs
She thinks I walk on water, She thinks I hung the moon
She tells me every morning, "They just don't make men like you"
She thinks I got it together, Swears I'm tough as nails
But I don't have the heart to tell her, She don't know me that well
She don't know how much I need her, She don't know I'd fall apart
Without her kiss, without her touch, Without her faithful loving arms
She don't know it's all about her, She don't know I can't live without her
She's my world, she's my everything, She thinks she needs me
Sometimes she cries on my shoulder, When she's lyin' next to me
She don't know that when I hold her, She's really holding me, holding me

Three Bad Things...

I lay awake in bed tonight, staring into the face of the one I love as she sleeps. Words cannot define how I feel right now. Well maybe they can, because I feel pretty tired. And 'tired' is a word. LOL. But I'm talking about the feeling of walking into your house and sitting on the couch, sighing with relief that you are 'home'. Home, there's a word that I haven't been able to mean since my children were ripped from my clutches. Even thru being out later than I anticipated two days in a row, she still smiles at me when I return home. Can home be more than where you hang your hat? I think so. I hang my hat on Riviera. That is not home.

I was talking with Ice today and told her that I didn't want to get home any later than 10pm. My girlfriend was there, laying on my chest while I was talking. I corrected myself and said, I don't want to be back at my gf's place any later than 10. To which my fair maiden said to me, this can be your home if you want... That statement is starting to sink in, so I started thinking about another thing. Anytime I have began a relationship in the past, I make note of three bad things that they do or don't do that really REALLY annoy me. So, I was a man on a mission, finding those three things. So here are the three things I came up with: I find it utterly irritating when she. Yeah right. There is absolutely nothing that irritates, aggravates, provokes, or annoys me. I love her. In love, I have said before that, there has to be a complete acceptance of the person, right? I accept her for everything that she is, and even those things that she is not. This Jap is in lurfe with a white girl.

***CODE RED Mushy Alert - SOLDIER! Man your battle station!!***

Even now as I watch her sleep I want to wake her up and tell her I love her, kiss her once on her cheek and twice on her sweet lips, hold her until dawn and then thru till dusk. I love everything about her. Especially, the way smiles at me, at the strangest times with no explanation other than, you're amazing. I love the way she sways when we embrace. I love that she's shorter than I am! I love that our relationship is open enough to allow room for even the darkest of secrets; I love that I can trust her with mine, and that she feels she can trust me with hers. I love that she so firmly knows who she is, and yet is confident enough that she can share her weaknesses with me. I love that there are no awkward silences, only comfortable ones. I love that we have been friends for years before beginning a relationship. I love that twinkle she has in her eyes every time she says "I love you". I love the way she says my name (I always have) but now there's a dash of lust in her voice that just makes me wanna jump her bones. I love that every time I look at her, I get this stupid grin on my face and every time I get that grin, she smiles and timidly asks, 'what?' I love that I do the same thing! Enough with the lovey-dovey stuff, LOL. I am not mushy.

I do have a question tho... How can I be so amazing? I am me. Half jap, half not. I do the same thing that I do with my kids and the ex thought I was some kinda jackass. I am still me. I have not changed that much. I have changed a little but it wasn't that long ago that all my friends told me I was an asshole. Now, they are changing their stories. Kini told me today that I am NOT an asshole, she said that I'm a pretty nice guy with asshole tendencies. WTF? LOL. I am me, whoever or whatever I be.

I have taken it upon myself (because I have so much time off work right now) to better organize the childrens rooms. She has two awesome children, a little misguided at times but they kick ass! Their rooms were in need of some help. She has a 4 yr old that we'll call Son of Milf, and a 6 yr old that we'll call Daughter of Milf. So I spent the better part of a day cleaning, sorting, organizing, and straightening Son of Milf's room. You should have seen him when he got home, he was so excited! It was freakin awesome! I have yet to finish Daughter of Milf's room, but hopefully, come dawn, I can get back to that.

It is time that I join my love. Hasta Pasta, or whatever that's suppose to be. I'm tired. goo-knight.

I'm sleepin in my shirt tonight!

LOL, So there is no reason to recap the nights events... if you keep up with the links on my page you will already know what happened. I will say that it was very strange not to have the all too familiar feeling that I must get back to my computer or suffer irreparable damage. Very strange. I will also say that I too enjoyed my quality time with her. It has been many many moons since I last held the hand of a woman. It is one of those very simple pleasures that I had not given thought to until it happened. Just like sitting on the couch with my arm around her, it was all too comfortable. What else I think is strange... She has this way, that is seemingly coy, yet very innocent, that just makes me wanna touch her. ALL THE DAMN TIME! I am about to take handcuffs with me when I go over there so I can restrain myself... uh... on second thought that may be a bad idea, cuz they may end up on the wrong hands! LOL. yeah... No handcuffs.

I now know that she is not perfect, which is a good thing because now I can believe that she is real. I am really not bothered by her 'imperfection' and took the news much better than I would have anticipated. I think there is a mutual trust that has or is developing between us. I trust her and trust that her past will not be repeated. I'm really okay with her. Even thru her mistakes.

I noticed one other thing tonight that never really grabbed my attention. She has hazel eyes. No, really, I noticed that before but what I didn't notice was that when the lights are dim and she has that beautiful smile on her face, her eyes dance. It's magical. There was twice when I'm pretty sure I sounded like a dumbass, because I totally was too busy staring at her that I didn't even hear what she was saying... I'm such a moron sometimes... And I'm sure I said something that was totally fkn retarded and did NOT follow the conversation, but she didn't seem to notice. Or maybe she did and was being very polite. I dunno. But I felt pretty damn dumb.

Can I just also say that her cooking reminds me of mom w's cooking. OH! *slurp* YUMMY! YUM-AY! So, I get home.. hehehe I can't even type this without laughing... so I get home and I just sit in my chair for two hours. hahaha. and I'm just breathing deep and keeping my eyes closed.... hehehe, cuz I totally smell like her. I am such a tard. This aroma will have to wear off before I will shower, I swear it! Oh, and this shirt... yeah, it is SOOO coming to bed with me tonight. OMG! I totally sound like a stalker. OY! So uh yeah... it's 6am, and I must go to bed. by buy bye.

Want to need or Need to want?

To LJ, my soul yearns for your health to be infinately better than it is now. My prayers for you are neverending. To all those following her progress, she is home (where she dearly wants to be). Her progress is slow but fairly steady. I believe that she is showing signs of improvement. Not long ago I would have said it would be a miracle for her to be where she is now. And it truly seems that a miracle has indeed happened. In a time when hope has become my worst enemy, it pains me to rely solely on it. Doubt is what I fight with now. The shrowd of darkness seems to be lifting. I have become numb, to some degree, yet tears mark my face when there is progress or congress. As you can see, my humor is slowly coming back to me. It has been gone for a while now and I welcome it's safe return. I count my blessings daily, lest thee forget what thou hast given unto me. God, I am thankful for your blessings. It is my prayer that the rain stay at bay as we cast our glances to the rainbow above.

If it is possible to love two people completely and differently, I think I may have accomplished this. What's the difference, you ask... Let me explain; to me there are two distinct types of love, there is a want to be loved (such as a spouse), and a need to be loved (such as a family member). At its core, this is the best way to explain it. With one it's a matter of a friendship blossoming into a beautiful rose. The compassion that we hold for each other is profound and calming, powerful and strengthening, wonderful and amazing. The other is more like a rose blossoming into a rose. It's what you would expect to happen but not nearly as magical as the first. It's the love that I equate to family.

When there is a want to be loved, there is a type of communication that is indefinable with words, it allows you to give of yourself without requiring anything in return. The fact that the same affection is returned furthers the blossoming and makes the union that much stronger.

When there is a need to be loved, it is something that you have to do. Human nature states that if we have to do something, rebel. At all cost, rebel against it. It's natural. The love of family is a must, although it is very difficult sometimes and impossible other times. My love for LJ is this type, I would do anything for her, because I love her... Because my soul tells me I have to. There is a connection there that I cannot explain, but I trust my soul.

They say that if you love someone you should set them free, if they come back they're yours, if they don't they never were. Following this thought I would also like to add that if you love someone, allow them an out. If they take it, well you know. I have divulged to her a secret of mine, so heinous, it would make God shun me. I did so because it was my way of giving her an 'out' and also informing her of something that I am deathly ashamed of. She is the fourth person that knows about this, and hopefully the last I have to tell. She deserves to know. She knows so much about me, I felt it was time for her to know the rest. Especially, if we move forward and pursue more of a relationship. Which, by the way, looks to be irrefutable right now. YEAH! She has a right to know every part of me. To date, I think she does.

I must bid thee all good night, sweet dreams and such, but... before I do just a couple more thoughts.

I had a very difficult struggle in my marriage because I felt like it was my job, my duty, my responsibility to please her and make her happy every second of every day, and I failed, miserably. It is not my job. The way I see it, it is my job to comfort in times of sorrow, mend the wounds I can, and be there with you, to assist you in your 'happily ever after' as you assist me in mine.

Love is a powerful thing, we all know it's power or know of it's power. It can 'move mountains' and leap tall buildings in a single bound (or was that Superman). Look, either way, love is a strong force. And I think I have yet to grasp the full potential of love, but I promise you this, I got that sum'bitch by the tail and I am NOT lettin' go!

May love bless your day and sprinkle smiles graciously upon you.